Minutes away from the end of the year and I’m forced to reconcile with the fact that this year has been somewhat of a funny dud. It has been much better than 2012… heck, I think my last Friday was better than that whole year but that’s a different angle.
2014 has been a good year from a generalised perspective but it contained periods of absolute frustration. Such as now. I’m not going to delve into that. No point.
Nevertheless, this year did bring a lot of things to head. A lot of questions I had to ask myself and satisfy myself with an abundant lack of answers. There were, of course, ideas of what the answers might be but I believe I have been in denial.
On an interesting note, I did the Hollywood friend cycle this year… you know, the
Friend – Fr-enemy – Enemy – Ene-riend – Friend.
It was a weird experience, especially seeing as it happened over a course of 2-3 weeks.
I think I finally understand certain things about certain people and why they behave the way they are. And it has made me quite apathetic to a lot of things.
This year was the first year in my life where I stopped caring. I can now switch off and switch on. It used to hurt but now it’s a dull throb.
I guess in that aspect I can say I learnt a lot about myself too. Most of it was just a sad understanding of life and how much I need to do and grow. I did find out I have an issue with attachment… especially with the realisation that my older sister is now married and she has her own family. And that the days when we used to be three are now gone. We are two, and the second is about to take that journey too.
And then it will just be me. And that pains me… not because I’m not happy with the way their lives are progressing but because we are growing and the days when things were simpler will be gone soon enough.
And how the days of confiding with them might be at an end.
Especially when I found out they don’t know ‘me’ anymore.
I questioned myself whether I had changed into someone else in privacy or whether they just didn’t want to see me change and chose to look away. I don’t know. Just another question without an answer.
Upon reflection, they feel far away from me. And it’s feel like I can’t catch up.
I started work this year too. And found out how uncomfortable it could get just as quick when politics came into play and I’m suddenly thrust into the foray against someone who wasn’t just a colleague but also a friend. With everyone saying I leave said friend to the sharks and quietly hide to avoid detection.
That was hard for me.
I got friendzoned this year. Lol. That was something. But I guess it was deserved. She’s amazing and I probably didn’t deserve her in any case. So that was… an experience.
I began a story this year. I love the premise but work has shown me priority is something I need to work on. 12 chapters in and I feel myself slipping away again. It frustrates me how often I have to self motivate… but I have to because no one else will. So I keep trying. I might finish it in 2015.
I have a better emotion management which makes me happy, to be completely honest. It was about time that happened. So yeah, good stuff. I am not who I used to be in 2013. Still debatable as to whether it’s a good change or a bad change.
God and I have not spoken properly this year. We left messages for each other instead… in some very interesting ways. I think a prayer, he’d leave a nugget of understanding as a reply. I imagine an outcome, he’d give me a foretelling. That kind of thing. But I need to talk to him. That much I know.
2014 has be something indeed. Next year will be different. As always. It has left me without a new year’s resolution but I have an idea of things to put into motion. I can feel my guts telling me truths I don’t wanna hear but are absolutely crucial.
I’m not sure if it’s gonna be a great year or a meh year but I think I’m better prepared for anything that might pop-up this coming year.
Either way, see you in the next.