I rarely ever know what I write about, except for the emotion behind the post or poem…which changes and ranges across the whole spectrum.
Sometimes, it works.
Sometimes, it doesn’t.
On some days, my emotions are as clear as day (not england weather day, but on the kind of days we dream off). On some other days, much like today, I get too many within me to be able to make a distinction as to what is going on.
Probably the closest to the most accurate thing that could describe this, was a slight joke made on by a close pal of mine, who stated I was likely to be in a (his words) ‘pre-mid-life crisis’ which was kind of funny, you know, thinking that one is having a prelude or rather a trial session of what some mid-life crisis might seem like.
I countered, He lol-ed…
Looking back now, perhaps he was right and I am experiencing a warped version of fate’s idea of a pre-mid-life crisis.
*shrugs and sighs*
With each word I put down, I suddenly notice there are a lot more things that I could say that would actually support his theory but I have this mental block that comes up, barring me from sharing deep personal thoughts with most people. It’s what’s stopping me now to be honest with you.
I’m not particularly happy with my situation. I’m not saying that being unemployed (for a period of time) is not normal, but being unemployed while everyone else seems to be ‘leaving’ the stage in which you’re in… That kind of situation is frustrating, and sometimes hurtful.
And then pressure a la family to compound on top of that, because somehow, they expect (especially african parents) you to be able to instantly get a job cos I got a degree. Don’t get me wrong, its not that they don’t know its hard out there…but they’d figure it should be ‘easier’ but it isn’t.
And that’s just one part.
Part 2 consists of dreams and plans laid into place, with step 1 existing without a failsafe. Suddenly, all those years of dreaming are beginning to fall away like dead skin cells.
Friends are achieving dreams, and I’m here without a clue as to what’s going on in mine.
I’m scared…that in the end, when all’s said and done, and I’m out of this nonsensical rut I’m currently in… That I’ll end up in a random job that I might not even like. With my dreams just being that; dreams.
Mind You :- it doesn’t mean one gives up.