Life, Prose, Random, Thoughts

Picture Perfect?

The sun hangs low above in the skies across England, even though the warmth it dishes out is minimal. Minimal, in regards to the North as the cold air of the yester-nights rain hangs overhead.

It’s chilly.

Coats and Jackets brush by each other as employees bustle about, lost in their own respective worlds. Everyone gets to Work to work, but really, hoping for something else. Something different.

By the time the warmth descends, it is lunch time. The working force pushing themselves away from their desks and out back in the open, enroute the canteen and the bars selling more warmth in the form of food. The mind is joyous even as the tummy rejoices.

Its brief, moments like this. When the sun hangs at the right angle to filter it’s light through the trees branches and shower the Earth with more warmth, the wind blowing the fallen leaves into the air.

Picture perfect.

For a while.

Then the moment lasts forever. The warmth turns to heat, as the jackets and coats come off. The body pores pour out sweat in record quantities as the body laments the heat. The trees wither and die, the leaves dry up. The wind remains, stuck in the air causing the atmosphere to get stuffy. Humid.

There’s a word that comes to mind here.

Stagnant.

Like the 9-5 madness of the robotic world. Waking up, getting to work, leaving work, eating, minimal free time, sleeping. Weird order. Necessary and yet, done in the most involuntarily subconcious way possible as the mind has rationalised it into simplicity.

“You must work. To eat. To live.”

Stagnant.

As the dreams mixed and matched in kidulthood get shelved because the “big-boy” adult pants are now being worn and luxuries can’t be afforded anymore. Dreams, offset by worries. So we stay content in mediocrity. Lament at the fact that others have made it while we are stuck here being stagnant.

Sometimes…

…sometimes…

…wishing things could revert back to when they were picture perfect.


Retrospect, huh?

Life, Random, Thoughts

Monday’s Random Thoughtometry

The mind is a blank space.

Initially devoid of activity, as one is birthed into the world. Chaos as life is given to the newborn, the mindspace loses it’s blank innocence and gets subjected to the turmoil of numerous emotions and thoughts.

The product of love’s intimate passion suddenly feeling what it means to be alive. So it learns as it gets given an orientation. Male or female, the mind space takes shape. It changes as the body changes.

It learns as the body learns.

It grows as the body grows.

And down the line, the once blank space is filled and painted with experiences of years past. There is knowledge on the wall as the body that once knew nothing now knows something.

Not quite good, not quite bad, but then again, morality lies at the feet of the person in question.

I don’t know why I wrote the above bit.

I just felt like it, to be completely honest with you.

As someone who spends the bulk of time talking to themselves *points to self*, the above is an example of the random things I think about.

On a grander scale, it helps put things into perspective as to how humanity might be of the same species, but our likes and dislikes and wants and needs and experience make each and every one of us completely and utterly unique.

And yet in this uniqueness, the evolution theory will demand I put it down to the probability of chance and the result of two massive elements colliding together in an unnatural force of nature that eventually led to our births, millions of years after the earth decided to cool down and become a planet, instead of retaining its gaseous nature.

The likelihood of life, the calculations pertaining to the presumed ‘perfect’ nature of earth as to which to create life.

There are many things about us as humans and about the world we live in that we don’t know about.

I am of the personal belief that we are not meant to, the same way I am of the personal belief that there are some things we are better off not knowing.

The calculations for a nuke, for instance.

That is one knowledge I wish us, as a race, could forget.

Anyway, to summarise this random excursion into my mind;

– Each and every single one of us is unique and special, as there is no other us, than us.

– This world, the creation of it, is too perfect to be the produce of a random event, predating any recorded knowledge and resting on a theory.

– There are some things about us and this world that are still mysterious, some questions left unanswered, and my personal belief that we are not meant to know certain things.

– Personal opinion that there are some things best left as a mystery.

Random, Thoughts

*types in a rush because of the time*

With great power comes great responsibility.

With great position comes great responsibility.

With position comes responsibility.

With responsibility comes trust.

 

I had to grow up and become the head of a department in Church to really and truly grasp the understanding of responsibility and trust… To fully understand that I got to where I was not only because I was hard-working but also because my leaders saw something in me that made them to trust me with that position.

 

The same position I was scared to enter. The boots felt too big and I felt inadequate.

 

Months on and I still feel inadequate. With pressure increasing around me, I found myself in a position of power and yes, for a while, I was afraid of it. I had moved from working in the background to being the figurehead of those who work in the background. The face that faces the audience while my team work in the background to ensure that the work is done.

 

It was weird. It is weird.

 

But I entered it. I’m trying to own it. I’m aiming to bring a level of perfection, through the wonderful team of outstanding humans that have chosen of their own accord to trust me to lead them, to the audience and other departments who depend on us. Because I want to succeed. Not as a person, but as a department.

As a promise to those to raised me up there, that their trust was not baseless.

 

And with a new working class job under my belt, I feel the call of responsibility once again.

 

God is my only witness, when I say responsibility scares me.

But I only pray that I perform as they trust me to.

Random, Thoughts

Random

I was having a deep conversation with a friend a while back and half-way through the conversation, I conclude (to an extent) that we are all (to an extent) damaged. We all have our skeletons in numerous closets, some of which will come to light, others of which will remain hidden till death do-eth pass.

And it was a shocker, I guess, having to accept that just as I might not be perfect, I’m not alone in being imperfect. We all have our secrets, our mistakes, our sins, our vices & our experiences. Most of us have perfected hiding it all within plain sight; making it seem cool and branding ‘swag’ but in reality, it is something we actually don’t want and would like to change. We are all carrying our burden, no matter how small or big. Just as we are all prone to the same mistakes or excuses or lies… or truths, or growths or experiences or responsibility. We are all unique. And at the very same time, we are all the same.

As I said, shocker.

And as a result, a memory comes to mind, from something I read a while back too…

“There are 6 billion people on the Earth. All of their psychological states, tendencies, and personalities are so vastly different, which means that there are 6 billion psychological states, tendencies, and personalities.”

“…All Humans are unique.”

“In truth, that is just 6 billion ways of expressing a person.”

“All humans are the same.”

There is some truth there.

Random, Thoughts

I have been meaning to write this out for a long while but I just did not get to it. The general excuse to be given would be that I have been busy… lol… I’m unemployed. I have way too much time on my hand to not be able to sit down and write out this experience of mine which sparked a thought-stream in my head for a few weeks (even till now).

Some weeks back, early December by my count, I got given an interview for a job I applied for. At this point in time, I felt like I understood what the job details meant but boy, was I mistaken. I mean, looking back now, I could probably have guessed what the job description meant but desperation can give false hope (hope and desperation… might write on that later on in life). ANYWHO, as I was saying, interview. The interview itself went well, about 10-15 mins of my life in which I ‘thought’ I had understood the basics of the job presented. I was going to be involved in marketing and outsourcing for clients and so on. And based on that Monday’s (?) interview, if they liked me, I would get called back to the 2nd stage the next day.

I got a call-back (^_^ )

And then made my way there again in the morning feeling like a potential working class citizen. The 2nd stage entailed me shadowing one of their workers as He showed me what the Interviewer (who was the owner btw) meant by outsourcing…which I then found out was actually Field Marketing.

Now Field marketing is an area of work I will avoid based on my personality. It varies based on what is required for one to do on that day. Nonetheless, it generally involves being sent out to a city/town/neighbourhood to market whatever the client wants to market… And as such, generally involves knocking on doors and trying to get people (who are often rude) to listen to your pitch and etc.

I am not the kind of person to be able to take so many “No’s” and “Fuck-offs” in one day. I am only human and I know my mental limits before it actually begins to affect me.

Anywho, I did shadow this guy and watched him work his magic and he was good at it. Amazingly enough, he was also training a new recruit in the art of marketing and on the breaks that we got, we spoke about dreams and aspirations and so on. And I was physically impressed.

Most of us then to have dreams and dream big but very few of us actually have a work plan… and by work plan, I mean, a roughly more detailed plan of what should happen, where, when and how to get there. The rest of us tend to use a very summarised version of a work plan…

education > work > money > dreams.

which I guess is not bad, but what I’m getting to here is that, its not bad to dream, but we should at the very least, have some sort of proper work plan, shouldn’t we?

 

Random

Fracture In Humanity: Voices

The watch screams out loud; it being preset to speak out when the hour hand greets the “xx o’clock”…

Bed time.

Procession continues as daily wear gets exchanged for PJ’s and flip flops,
Body & mattress meeting together in an almost everlasting embrace,
With duvet sealing the union,
Sleep was practically guaranteed…

Guaranteed but not assured.

Sleep gets lost in transport,
And the mental release in form of the dreams gets denied.

And then, amidst the annoyance of rejection from the awaited release,
The questions begin,
Resounding with the mind’s empty space…

And it only gets louder

“…sigh… Is this how life was meant to turn out?”

“I mean, is this the goal?”
“What’s the aim?”
“What am I doing wrong?”
“Oh crap, have I texted her back?”
“Do I have to tell her the truth?”
“How about that other chick?”
“Should I show her my set of tricks?”

“Tricks? What tricks? The unemployment trick?”
“The dying dream reality?”
“What do you mean?”
“Life sucks!”
“Can’t deal, what the hell is this?”

Pillows used to cover ears,
Eyes tightly shut,
Mind attempts cleaning,
But the questions never stop,
Body curled up,
Teeth gritting against each other,
Angry body vibrations of annoyance,
The questions never stop

“…are you happy with your life as it is?”
“Was this including in the plan?”
“Should I probably, maybe, succumb to his game?”
“I mean, if I give him sex, would he give me his love?”
“Does love even exist?”
“Endless failed relationships, perhaps something’s wrong with me?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why me?”

The voices go on,
“Why me?”

Whispers go on,
“Why me?”

And in the moment it would take,
For the mind to register the statement,
The voices go quiet,
Reprieve granted,
Body relaxes as laxity takes over,
Position changed to counter restlessness,
Breathing slows,
Silences drags,
Body sleeps.

Random, Thoughts

Sight

Cleared eyes delivering blurred vision, so my future is seeming to appear misty. Dimmed by the fog of despair, my eyes can only make out so much, but not enough to be able to claim that I see…

Cos I don’t see…

Crawling on all fours to the corners of my mind, sitting away from the apparent light, I hugged my legs and tittered back and forth. I was tired, I was stressed & I was sincerely losing hope…or so it seemed. I cast my mind back to when things were so much cleared, naivety being a strong reliable guardian as of then, irresponsible and useless as of now. Ignorance was bliss before knowledge convicted ignorance of being a murderer. Dreams being presented as a father-figure to aspire too, only to grow and get torn as to whether it was an illusion born from temporal paranoia or a reality that could be achieved. I digress.

Life had handed its card, and there’s a limit to how many times I can fold.

It could be argued…that maybe it’s time I start bluffing my way through it all, except for the important mental hiccup, that very clear tattoo of “yous a good child & yous won’t do bad now, son” plastered over my psyche like a billboard.

Gotta hold on, right?

 

Random

One Thing & then another

Its usually starts with one thing…one issue, one problem, one phrase, one statement, one implication, one instance, one whatever…

You know I’m telling the truth… Of how you can be in the best mood ever and then that one ‘thing’ comes crashing like a meteor that you can’t dodge. Not even going to lie, life’s “one thing” has gotten crafty. Those kind of situations that you can’t even avoid simply because avoiding it is just a branch-off to another issue entirely.

I call those the morality traps.

Purpose of this? Nothing really. If I had a semblance of purpose, it would be instructing methods of solving, dodging and eliminating ‘One Things’

BUT

That’s not possible, sadly. Because then whatever solution that comes up will just lead to ‘another’ and ‘another’ and ‘another’. The truth I will admit though, is that there actually IS a solution to surviving one thing issues… It involves endurance (Endurance is actually a commodity these days… People can’t take it anymore)

Why endurance? Because endurance begets tolerance, tolerance sows patience and with patience comes wisdom.

You might not agree but wait & see.
You’ll see