Blog, WinterABC2020, writing

I Missed My Ninth Day, I think…

I don’t know where to begin from. I have been absent from blogging for six days now. Usually, I’d say I’ve been absent for ‘reasons’ but the truth is simpler;

  1. I couldn’t write
  2. I couldn’t focus on any of the topics with the way the world was going
  3. Some of the topics don’t quite match up with the blog/website

To be honest, I did consider writing quite a few times within the last few days but I’d open the blog and stare at the blank page, debating whether or not I stay on topic or deviate and speak on what’s happening outside in the world. Never reached a decision so I just didn’t write.

Still, I’m here… Well, here now.

And now, I have to decide whether or not I take on Topic #9 or Topic #14.

Or maybe both.

Both Is Good The Road To El Dorado GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY
If you haven’t watched ‘Road to El Dorado’, you’re missing on some goodies.

Let’s begin with 9. Depending on when this goes live, #14 or #15 will be next.

Four of The Accounts I Follow and Why I Respect Them

  1. @ImAdeAkins

Consistency tweeting is something I respect and I hold in high regard. This is a trend in the accounts I follow. AdeAkins is someone I’ve known for a while and I’ve watched him excel. His podcasts are excellent and informative, his cocktail mixes are fun (especially with the namings) and he doesn’t just tweet for tweeting sake.

There’s something pure about using your voice to discuss important issues, be it Mental Health, Finances or Black Lives Matter.

2. @SincerelyOghosa

YouTuber / Influencer / Vlogger / Black Girl Magic. From the moment I followed her on Twitter and Instagram, I’ve been glad I did. Not only is she a fun youtuber to watch, she’s also focused and intentional in uplifting small black businesses. She’s fun to talk to and honest in her experiences either it be in Dating or Travelling.

3. @WilliamAdoasi

Founder of Vitae London. A black owned premium watch company. Having spoken to him a few times, I can easily say I love this dude. He’s active in helping communities, he speaks out on injustice whenever he can and he’s just an all-round amazing guy.

4. @Gaemechanger / @Gabz_Amadi

I put these two together because of the podcast they run. Also, because of the conversations we have on twitter about Christianity, belief and life, really. They are hilarious but truthful. They don’t shy away from odd or heavy topics but instead, express a willingness to understand and explore the topic from a biblical and life perspective. And that’s something I really like.

I believe that’s about it for the ninth topic. I think I like it this way. Short and concise.

On slightly unrelated topics;

  • For those interested in this particular hobby – I retrofitted my old YouTube channel into a gaming channel and I’ve begun putting some videos up. Heck, my voice is even recorded on it so you can hear me speak if you’re curious.
  • One of my books is free for download for subscribers to my newsletters 😀 – So Download, have a read and please leave a review!
  • Lastly, #BlackLivesMatter. The world is going through the motions but please be good to people around you. Please.
Blog, WinterABC2020, writing

Numero Seven – The Short One

Today’s topic is less about me and more about some of the blogs that I’ve been fortunate to see, read and enjoy. Blogs from people who are more or less, my people. My kin. Both in skin colour and in virtue.

As such, this is going to be a relatively short post.

Without further ado, let me introduce you to;

Doctor Kanayo

  • So I’ve enjoy reading her posts, most of which is superb not only in writing but in the message that is being passed across.
  • She writes about her faith, her job and life in general which is always a plus to read especially when its coming from a Psychology teacher. So please, give it a read.

Igbocurls

  • I have known the author of this blog for a long, long time and while the aim of the blog does not particularly apply to me, I believe it would have some application to anyone who is interested in learning, understanding and maintaining their natural hair.

Those are the two I have off the top of my head. As I haven’t been blogging and reading blogs as I used to years ago, I have fallen off in keeping up to date with bloggers in general, especially bloggers from my country.

However, that can easily change now, I believe. If you’re Nigerian and you’re a blogger, share your link in the comments. I would LOVE to take a look at your blog and follow you.

Better yet though, if you blog either consistently or every now and then, please do the same. It’s always an informative exercise to be able to see and experience things from other people’s viewpoint 🙂

Blog, WinterABC2020, writing

Six of 22. #WinterABC2020

Today’s post is late, mostly because I’ve spent the better half of it being busy with my other projects up to the point that I almost forgot I was due for another post.

“What other projects?” You ask with a coy smile.

Well, I have a few things that I have on my plate that I’m simultaneously working on. That is, at the moment;
– I’m working on a few stories (which I release as a serial on Reddit). I want to get my current ones done so that I can work on my book’s sequel.
– I repurposed my YouTube channel for gaming and game related stuff, along with Twitch.
– I’m doing some game development work with a few friends.

“Isn’t that kind of a lot?”

Why, yes. Yes, it is. But I find that being busy helps my creativity in writing and with the lock-down keeping me largely at home and largely aimless (after 9-5 work), I decided to prioritise some projects.

But enough about that. Let’s talk about today’s topic!!!

Four Things I’ve Learnt on Social Media

Oh boy. Social media is something unique. Unlike anything that has come before it. Honestly, I still think back to the days before we even had the mental concepts for smartphones. And the difference between life before and life after smartphones is something unheard of. And it brings me to my first point;

1) Nobody knows how to use it.

Which closely translates to, ‘nobody truly understands what it is supposed to be for’. I mean, think about it. What is Social Media for?

Is it to keep up with friends? We’ve got their numbers for that.
Is it to keep up with the news? We’ve got the TV for that.
Celebrities? Celebrity magazines have dedicated stalkers for information.

So, what is its purpose?

Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Tiktok and the likes will give you vague explanations to their uses but at the end of the day, we all use them the same way.

As an outlet to our lives. Which brings me to my next point.

2) Everyone shares too much.

You probably understand what I mean by this. The common example would be the people who so happen to share a lot about their relationships on twitter or facebook, listing out details that should be private or rather, dealt with in private.

You have some people completely detail the faults of their parents or partners or friends for some support in their decision to cut them off. Don’t get me wrong. If your family, friends or loved ones are (a) abusive, (b) racists or (c) on the narcissistic end of things, it’s perfectly understandable to cut them off. I just don’t think it necessarily has to be public unless the situations demand it be so.

Quick PSA: If you’re in an abusive relationship, please leave. Don’t wait until they become better. Just go.

All in all, in this area of oversharing, once you dig deeper you eventually figure out that for most of the people over-sharing, they are doing it for lesson number three.

3) Clout-Chasing.

This is something I personally detest. When people start sharing their stories not because it is particularly important but because they want some ‘likes’ or ‘retweets’. It trivialises important issues into a game of internet points which I find to extremely wrong.

And clout chasing takes so many forms.

You have the people who share fake stories. You have the people who bully others. You have the ones who post ‘thirst traps’ but pretend like that wasn’t what the picture was for. You get those who expose their DMs every single time they get a private message because of the picture they want to paint. You have people who are always contrarian. You have people who will always agree.

You have stans.

You have fancams.

You have meme accounts who only exist to take a shot at anything and everything that breathes on social media.

You have accounts who pretend to be racist just because it’s the ‘cool thing to be edgy’ on the internet, only to then turn around and ‘apologise’ when they get exposed.

Most of the lives on social net want to achieve some sort of fame that they’ve attached to follower count, likes and retweets. And I can’t say I fully blame them. After all, the advent of social media opened the doors to celebrity status via the route of ‘Influencer’. Suddenly, the pedestal that we place a lot of our ‘hollywood’ heroes are now within reach.

All in all, all of this brings me to the last thing I have learnt on social media.

4) It is having a bad effect on some people

In this point, I will leave the following so that you can read it up at your own leisure but the main crux is this. Social media is having a negative effect on some people’s mental states because we are being inundated with snippets of very different lifestyles.

And while it doesn’t sound like this should be a problem, some people can’t help but constantly compare themselves with those they believe to be successful. So, consciously and sometimes subconsciously, they start to change how they look, act, talk and behave in order to paint a picture that has no truth to who they really are.

Social media has made a lot of people live false online lives. And that’s a problem.

You can read more by clicking on the picture.
Blog, thoughts, WinterABC2020, writing

And On The 5th Day, He Wrote Again! #WinterABC2020

So, I know it was obvious that nothing was written yesterday. To everyone here, new and old, I apologise. I wasn’t in the best head-space yesterday and the thought of crafting a biographical piece on me didn’t get me out of it. I had a title and everything but yeah… Thursday was a miss.

Nonetheless, I made a pledge for relative consistency and I’m going to continue my best at keeping to it. That said, I believe my actions yesterday lead relatively well into the topic for today.

Welcome to “How To Take Breaks”. I’ll be your professor but call me Doc.

“How to take breaks? We all know how to do that!”

Take this as a reminder then. Taking breaks is something that everyone knows how to do and yet, still fail to do properly. If anything, there’s a slight negative connotation when you tell some people that you’re taking a break from something, either it be work, family or relationships.

Taking a break is not bad. I repeat, taking a break is NOT BAD. Sometimes, it is even crucial!

“How Sway!”

serious the four GIF by Diddy

There’s a phrase I used to hear in Nigeria and still here from time to time. It’s relatively simple, spoken in pidgin (broken English) but it solidifies the point I’m trying to make quite well. And it’s this;

Body no be firewood.”

In other words, there’s only so much you can take, physically, mentally, emotionally, figuratively, etc, before your body calls it quits and starts to shut down. And when your body starts to react to external and internal circumstances, you start to feel that.

For example, Stress.

Work stress sounds like something that should be encouraged: ergo, giving your continuous 100% at work, 9am-5pm, every single working day but it will eventually get to a point where your body will tell you to cut it out. And it will tell you fast.

This is what the NHS says Stress can do to you.

There is no justification to let the above happen just because you want to impress your boss, or your family or your partner. There is none.

YOUR HEALTH MATTERS – Physically, Mentally and Emotionally.

And, to be quite honest with you, you cannot give anyone the best of yourself if you’re not in the best place for yourself. Let me turn that into a quote for you to share around.

You cannot give your best if you’re not at your best.
– I. Ogunbase.

That is where having breaks come in. You can either have it as long breaks (a la Holidays or Sabbaticals) or short breaks, such as days off (even if its a half day). This is the physical aspects of it, the one that applies to work. The moment you start feeling the pressure on your mind and body and YOU KNOW that it’s putting you in a bad place, take a break.

The other ways of taking breaks are usually known;
– Watching a movie
– Playing a game
– Going out with friends
– etc etc

All the above help. I must stress, however, that taking breaks does not mean abusing it or becoming lazy as a result. Because that stops being a break and starts being an actual escape from responsibilities. This is a different topic but yeah. Don’t mistake taking breaks for being lazy. Don’t be lazy.

Breaks in relationships are more complicated and rightly so. Because taking a break means something in the relationship is not quite fitting properly. Now, in this day and age, when someone says they are taking a break, it automatically means they are breaking up with you.

When in truth, it should really mean ‘taking a break’. The break itself is supposed to a self-reflection of where the person is at with their partner, where they are planning to get to and the steps that they need to take.

And yes, it can lead to an actual break-up BUT it can also lead to a stronger reconciliation that helps both parties to grow and excel together. Both results are important in regards to your emotional state. Sometimes in life, self-introspection is needed and shouldn’t be missed.

All in all, try to take breaks whenever you feel like things are getting ‘too much’. If not for your sake, do it for your future. Do it for the best version of you.

Blog, WinterABC2020, writing

Third Time for Consistency #WinterABC2020

Hi All,

Hope you’re all having a nice wonderful afternoon amidst the fires of rebellion going on around the world. Touchy subject, I know… But I plan to touch on it eventually. Today, however, we will be addressing my favourite food of all time. One that makes my stomach happy and in return, makes me happy.

And yes, as a Nigerian, that sorta defaults to Jollof Rice.

Know the Differences Between Nigerian and Ghanaian Jollof Rice ...
Photo from Demand Africa

Now, I’m not going to go into the age-old battle of whose Jollof Rice is the best between Ghana and Nigeria (it is the latter) as I don’t think it’s useful to the conversation at the moment. As long as it is made well, I’m a sold customer.

Especially when it’s garnished with;
– Roasted Chicken
– Fried Plantain
– Salad or Coleslaw

I’m a sucker for the right combination. That said, I don’t believe I would be revealing the best combination on here. That information stays with my fiancee and my mother. Everyone else will have to do.

“What about this dish do you love?”

Honestly? Not sure. I’ve been fortunate enough to have the chance to try out different dishes over my life so far and while they are all excellent, something about Jollof Rice reminds me of home. In the metaphorical sense.

I would call it the ideal comfort food and I believe you all understand what I mean. The one dish in the world that no matter what mood you’re in, it puts you in the state that makes you feel like everything, every issue, every worry, every single thing you’re expressing would be alright.

That’s what makes the dish special to me.

Blog, WinterABC2020, writing

Day 2 of 22 – The Direction I’m Headed #WinterABC2020

So.

Yesterday’s post garnered more support than I usually get and I’m touched by the motivation to push ahead with this task ahead of me. Thank you for liking it and for the push to continue the path.

So. Today’s topic.

“What’s the main goal of my site?”

This is fairly simple and at the same time, not so simple. The very simple answer being that I wanted a space where I could direct readers to be able to see my body of work and subscribe / buy my books. Very simple answers.

The ‘Not so simple’ answer points to marketing / visibility. Let me explain.

The blog was created sometime in 2012 when I was studying engineering in some university down south. Like outside London, UK. I was going through some issues in my life (mentally, emotionally and physically) and I needed a space to unleash my thoughts. Heck, you can even check out my first post here.

The blog’s name was even called “Conversations With Myself” and the URL was “http://www.thorougheyes.wordpress.com

Over the months and years, I’d fill the blog with my thoughts, poetry, prose and some short stories. It was like a diary that wasn’t quite private and wasn’t quite public either. It was just a space where I could unburden my mind, if only to be able to function in society.

But as the years would go on, I would also change and writing began to become important. And as with all important things, they eventually yield fruit. I began writing stories properly and eventually finished a short novel. A novella, if you will. Counting The Seconds.

It was still the beginning but I had taken a step into a different realm, one that operated with different sets of rules that I was unprepared for. I’d continue writing and by the 23rd of March 2020, I’d have three books published.

Which meant, I had and have to be relatively professional about the art if I wanted to succeed in it. So, it took some working around but the blog turned into an official website. A place where any who stumble upon it would know me, the writer. And the books that I’ve released into the world.

“This is all interesting. But…”

I know. I haven’t answered the question yet. Not really. So, let me do that officially.

The purpose of my website is for me to be able to market myself as an author to all who might be interested in my body of work. My homepage is such as to show you what I have released, the reviews I’ve gotten, my biography and how to subscribe to not miss updates.

However, the purpose of my blog is still the same. As professional as the website might be, the blog side of it remains so that I might unburden my thoughts and free my mind of the things that shouldn’t be on it anymore.

I walk two paths here. And I plan to walk them to the best of my ability.

Two Paths - Human Eyes
Image from Google Images.

PenPractice, Shorts, Stories, writing

Short Story:- “The Long Drive”

I’m not sure what car I’m driving.

All I know is that its a manual transmission, 5 gear system, though my feet has been on the gas for a while now and I haven’t had to slow down yet. I don’t know where I am, or where I’m headed to. I’m just driving.

The last thing I remember was laying in the hospital bed speaking to Katie and Susie. They were crying. Fuck it. *We* were crying. I was unbearably weak and it hurt to cry but I cried nonetheless. It was the thought of not being able to see Susie grow up. The thought of not being able to cuddle with my wife after a long day at work. Cancer was a bitch.

When all was said and done, I opened my eyes to this highway. I don’t know what the weather is like but I can feel the wind in my hair and it feels good. It’s dark. I think I’m in a sandy area. It’s hard to tell from the darkness, but no matter how much I try to focus on my surroundings, my eyes get pulled back to the road. The smoothness of it, the way the car handles.

I’ve been driving long enough that I’m beginning to feel like the car was specifically made for me. It handles so fucking well, it’s like whoever put me in it, created it from scratch from everything in my memory. Everything about the car feels like the best aspect of all the cars I’ve ever driven.

Time is useless. I’ve tried counting the seconds to minutes to hours and I’ve given up on the idea. Time is inconsequential. The more I enjoy riding in the car, the more the wind makes me feel calm, I keep casting my mind back to when I met Katie.

It was at University. First week. The student unions had organised a bar crawl around the local town and I had joined my new housemates out that night. Katie was in the second bar we entered in. She stood by herself at the bar, drinking. I know I was tipsy but the way the light caught her frame, it was like time slowed to a stop. Blonde haired, fit-bodied beauty that I stammered my way to a conversation that made her laugh.

Then she poured her drink over me and stomped out the bar.

I chuckle at the memory. It had taken two months after that before I met her again. Turns out we share a course. I think I had apologized then but she still didn’t accept it. But I’m persistent. I think. Wore her down with my charm. The sudden brightening of my surrounding pulls me out of my memory. I am in a black desert after all. Odd.

Never knew black deserts were possible.

Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever really opened my eyes to new things without Katie’s help. And Susie. And Martha, Joe, Shawn and every other person.

There was this one time when…

I would like to believe that I have been driving for decades at this point. It’s just a random number but it is the best I can estimate. It’s the least I want to estimate. The feeling I had gotten from the drive initially has dissipated away. It took a few years for that glow to wipe away. Now I see it for what it really is.

The black desert had been an illusion. A trick of the eye. A sleight of hand to make me believe I was experiencing that which had never been seen before. I couldn’t be farther from the truth. I quickly found out that the longer I drive, the more I remember about my life. The memories I had once thought forgotten come back to the forefront of my mind. The images would flash through me, vividly as if I am living it anew.

I remember with more detail than I care for, the feeling of my mum’s breastfeeding. I remember the first punch I took to the face because my father decided it was never too early in my life to show me how much of a bastard he was. I remember discovering new sensations under the Oak tree behind the house, before we moved locations after the divorce. I remember the lies. The heartbreaks, every single one of them.

With each memory, the environment lightens up. When I woke up to this scene, it was as dark as a quiet night down the highway. Now it’s as bright as summer’s day. And I understand why. I wonder if Katie would judge me. After all, she’s the reason I’ve done the things I’ve done.

As I said, decades here make you think. And when you’re remembering everything, you remember the bad too. I remember the secrets I’ve buried and all the times I forced it back into the grave whenever it tried to surface.

When Katie was still pregnant with Susie… things were hard. I remember the letters of foreclosure I hid from her view. The mortgages were getting to me, I was demoted at work, funds were tight and I found myself increasingly at the bottom of numerous bottles. It was bleak and with her due date approaching, I found myself in a dark place. She kept saying it will be alright… whenever she saw me worry.

“We’ve got this…

That was her favourite saying.

I remember the downtrodden bar I walked into that night. The seedy kind with the “no camera” rule for accountability or lack thereof purposes. I remember the 10 shots of “me intentionally trying to kill myself” shots I had before I got roped into a conversation on making quick cash. Some men had propositioned me. They needed a driver. And they were offering to pay some disgusting amount of cash.

I was skittish at first, but then I remembered why I was at the bar and not with Katie.

So I agreed.

I was the driver of four unfortunate men that night.

But I got the money I needed to bounce back.

The sun is hanging high in the sky at the moment, and it’s so goddamn hot. The speed of the car doesn’t change but the wind blowing through my hair has lost its cool. It’s hot air now. The uncomfortable kind. I undo the top buttons of the shirt I didn’t notice I was wearing. I guess my awareness is returning with my memories, albeit at a slower pace. My fingers feel cramped up and I take some time to flex both hands.

It is only then I notice that I am not alone in the car. In fact, with that realisation, I get the intense feeling that reveals to me that I haven’t been alone in the car since the beginning of my journey.

So I turn.

I turn to face the four men, whose faces I wished to never see again.

I can’t stare at them for long. My eyes get pulled back to the road. So I take glances at them, just as they take glances at me. I see their expressions change from fear to anger to fear again. They think I am the one who’s brought them here. I want to tell them that we are all stuck in the same car but when my mouth opens, no sound comes out of it. Nothing. I try again but I hear nothing, and my mouth doesn’t move either.

I close it and focus back on the road, even as it transports me back to the night I met the four gentlemen.

Jack, Ahmed, Lewis and Rocky. Jack and Lewis were brothers, with the former being the eldest. Ahmed was a friend of theirs from a life before. They wouldn’t explain where but I don’t think I was lucid enough to demand to know. I was in doubles by then and the talk of money meant I didn’t really care about the extra information. Rocky was like me. A straggler recruited to join an expedition of sorts.

The plan was that I was going to drive them to a location for them to pick up some stuff, then drive to another location where I’d just have to wait for a few moments, before driving to go pick the money up. The location of the money was going to be given after they had returned from wherever I was going to be waiting for them at. Temporarily skittish, but money won.

They had made me chug down a lot of water before the drive began.

You have to be very awake, they had repeated as I threw up and drank more water outside the bar.

You’re our important piece.

Ahmed gave everyone a pair of gloves to wear, on account of the cold, or so I thought before we had all piled into a nondescript white van, with Jack and I in the front. The rest of the lads had piled up in the back. I drove them to the shed of a house out in the country, past midnight, where I waited as they went to retrieve their tools from the shed. I figure, out of mind, out of fucking sight, you know.

If I don’t know what ‘tools’ they are getting from the shed, I don’t have to know what job it is they are doing past freaking midnight.

They all return, excited about the trip ahead. I nervously nod as Jack directed me to the next location. The drive there was quiet. Jack didn’t talk much but instead seemed to periodically massage a slight bulge of sorts in his jacket pocket. My mind had screamed that it was a gun which made my body more obedient. If it was a weapon, I wasn’t going to act out while I was driving. My grip on the wheel had tightened in response.

He made me stop on a quiet street in the suburbs. The street was empty as well as the houses. I didn’t have to wonder anymore about what I had been drawn into. I was with robbers. Jack made me give him my ID, on account of me not getting cold feet at the last minute, which was a plan I had hoped to enact. I curse in my head as he took my wallet before vanishing into the darkness with his boys.

Those were the first longest waiting period I’d ever have to endure. The seconds dragged on and I kept apologising to Katie in my head. I had cried a few times too, lamenting at the stupid excuse I had given her.

“Working late baby… Will be back in the morning”, was my official story.

It felt like I was probably going to die.

My phone had vibrated and I had checked to see who was messaging me. Katie. I read the message from the notification but I don’t reply. I can’t reply. I can’t bring myself to.

Oh Katie…

After an excruciating thirty minutes wait, they had returned rushing back into the van, urging I put my foot on the gas and peel off. The window separating the guys in the back and us in front was open even as the details of the nights’ events spilled out before me. It was worse than I thought. I knew then that I was damned.

“Whatever you do, don’t fucking stop…” Jack had said excitedly as he licked his lips.

He had placed the gun I suspected he had on the dash of the van even as I sped through the street. I look through the rearview mirror and catch the colour of bright red flash before I turn the corner. Smoke. Fire.

As the others chattered on in the background, I gathered more information about the group of men I had associated myself with that night. Hired killers. They hadn’t gone to rob a house. They had gone to kill a man and his family. Except the reason it had taken so long for them to return is because of the heinous acts they had committed to the family. I remembered saying a quiet prayer for them.

I swallowed back a vomit as Jack made a call. I had heard him mumble a few sentences but the words that stood out to me was money and account. Once the call was done, Jack called out to the group.

“Guys… we’re home free. $10 MIllion. They are sending the address over, we can split the cash and pretend we don’t know each other” Jack called out laughing, even as the burner phone buzzed.

10 fucking million…

His eye lit up while mine locked on the gun. For self preservation.

The weather is fucking sweltering at the moment. I feel like I should be dying, dead or melting at this point but the drive continues. My shirt is off. My trousers are off. I’m driving fucking naked. The car moved regardless of whether or not my feet was on the gas. My hands are the only thing glued to the wheel.

My passengers are naked too. They can feel the heat. The car speeds up faster and faster and the heat is unbearable. I know why they look afraid. Why they looked like they were…begging. It made sense after the memory.

My secret is not that I was with them on the night they raped and killed a family.

It is a secret. But not The secret.

The van that night had a locking mechanism that meant whoever is in the back can’t open the door from inside. It had to be done from outside. So when we were close to a bridge I recognised, I grabbed the gun from the dash and put some bullets into Jack without hesitation. I remember the howl his brother made as I grabbed the burner phone. I pointed the van towards the water and exited the vehicle. I watched it go over the edge. I waited to hear the splash. I made a copy of the location of the money before making an anonymous call to the Police.

Then I had left.

Once I had gotten the money, I made another call that night to tell someone that “it’s gone full circle”

“We’ve got this…”

I smile ruefully as the memory dissipates. I glance again and find that the four passengers in my car are gone. It’s just me now. Alone in the burning heat as the car speeds up. I wonder if that’s the trick of the road. Maybe it is supposed to make me reflect on my act. I chuckle at the idea.

I don’t think I’m getting off the road like the four men just did. I think I will be driving for a long time. There is so much more aspects to that secret after all.

I do wonder though…

I wonder when Katie will join me.

Anxiety, Coping System, Descriptive, Emotion, Late Night, Life, Pain, PenPractice, Poem, Shorts, Sleepy time, Thoughts, thoughts, writing

Responsible.

Responsibility is light.
Responsibility is heavy.

Responsibility is as light as a feather,
The spring in your step propelling you further till you fly,
It becomes the wings on your back,
Lifting you past the clouds till you’re up on high…
It is the cool shades you wear when you step into a function,
It draws the eyes of admiration on you.
For you,
It blots out the stars till you’re the only star shining.
The brightness lighting up the dark sky so intensely,
It only made sense for everyone else to shield their eyes.

Responsibility is the twinkle in your eye.
The confidence in your actions that make everyone want to stand behind you.
The winning smile that lets you past the doors that once kept you.
It is the strength you never knew you had or wanted,
Equipped to lift the burden of others.
It is the hope of tomorrow,
The sunrise on another day.
The assurance that you are in a better place than you once were.

It is freedom.

And it makes you cry.

Tears of joy, yes,
But not without merit.

After all those years of waiting, you’ve finally gotten here,
And it is everything you’ve wanted.

Responsibility is heavy.

It drags you off the edge of a cliff,
And lets you hit the waters with no mask.
So you gasp for air but the lack thereof doesn’t kill you.
You just suspend in viscous space,
As the liquid sears your lungs and makes you cry out for relief.

It is the bags beneath your eyes because you haven’t been sleeping.
How can you?
When it is knocking on your walls,
Questioning every decision you’ve made and
berating you for the ones you didn’t make.
So it renames you as “Negligent”

“You thought you had the right stuff but you don’t” It says.

Responsibility is a duty.

It commands. Never requests.
It punishes when you fail to reach the criteria it sets before you,
Even if the rule-book to your actions have been hidden from you.
It demands the entirety of your being,
Gifting you a burden that you can’t give to anyone else.

It gives you the option to ignore it,
Of which it incrues an interesting amount of interest on it.
So that when you return,
You will find your responsibility ripe with profits that you really don’t want.

Responsibility is not kind.
It is not cruel nor is it wicked.
It doesn’t love you and won’t give itself to hate.

It simple requires your best “you”.

And sometimes, that’s not enough.

Emotion, PenPractice, Shorts, Sleepy time, Thoughts, thoughts, writing

Days

There are days when the sun in the sky is not as bright as it usually is.
To me.
The heat is either absent or scorching as sweat travels down my face,
never welcoming because there is no such welcome on days like this.
Days when laughter fails to lift your spirit up, instead reminds you of the
very obvious fact that today is one of those days you wish you could pick
up a remote and skip to the end.
But you can’t. I can’t.
Life becomes the cinematic experience that demands I get comfortable
with my popcorn in hand and tolerate the bits that come after.
There are days when music doesn’t move you. Doesn’t move me.
I, instead, dwell on the words till I find myself skipping through tracks as
I search for the musical notes that match the tempo of the mood the day
has put me in.
Days when you feel defeated.
Even when your belt and your trophy case are filled with your victories.
Days when everything just feels… grey.
Like the Instagram filter of reality has decided that the vintage grey-scale
tone is a better fit for your viewing pleasure.
Days when nothing feels right, nothing sounds right and you can’t stop
thinking about the green grass on the other side, except for the fact
that you don’t even know what it looks like.
Days like this when it’s hard to explain the nuances of how you feel
because words don’t quite capture the totality of the emotion…
Like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece you just can’t place. But you know…
You know, that in some form… it exists.
There are days like these…
When all you want, is for the colour to return back.
And so you wait.
Anxiety, Coping System, Descriptive, Emotion, Late Night, Life, Love, Pain, PenPractice, Poem, Prose, Shorts, Sleepy time, thoughts, Uncategorized, writing

Sleepless

The room is cold. Harsh. Unforgiving.

But it’s safe here.

It’s home here.

Everything freezes in here. Left to hang in the air like unsaid words and unresolved emotions. It’s much better in the long run.

It’s better than the fires outside that are licking the frame of the door, begging that I open up so that they can engulf me in their responsibility.

In their warmth. In their potential for great things spanning countries and changing lives around the globe.

Their fire for making everyone around happy and content that I’m not a popsicle like the rest of them, but the rest of them are here and I can tell they are cool.

But this is better. Much better than playing with a natural energy source and watching it consume me. Why would I risk being burnt alive? What’s the endgame there?

Success or cremation? And they think I would risk it all for that?

So yeah, this is fine.

This is fine.

I agree my fingers might be numbing off from inactivity and the general lack of engagement for it’s better this way.

It means I won’t be able to carry anything after a while.

That said…

It is very cold…