A friend of mine noted something about me which sort of shook me for a few hours before my mind finally shelved it away in the ‘Deep-Thoughts’ section somewhere in my subconscious. And for that few hours (I did answer him kinda almost immediately but it stuck in my head, replaying like a bad cringing scene from a romcom), all I could do was think about the question being asked and whether or not I might have told him a lie.
“Why do most of your pieces seem bleak? like life is a drag…”
“I guess its cos’ I’m writing from inside out, about where I am or what I’m seeing around me”
Probably the most convenient reply I could muster at so short a notice but it got me thinking… Was that the reason why my poems sounded bleak? or Had I finally fallen to the nihilistic belief that nothing matters and as such life is a drag, etc? I kept replaying it, re-asking it, trying to find the true answer… the answer that, I don’t know, vibrated within my heart and my bones…
And I came up with nothing. So I questioned myself… went through my memories and had to draw up a mental score sheet… Was I being laid-back when that occurred or was I just going with it cos life’s such a drag? Is that why I had managed to get this far? Stay relatively sane? Was it the defence mechanism against all the insults and let-downs and snide comments and all of those things which would have affected me years back?
Now the thought that bugged me the most was…
“How do I or rather, Why do I still smile like everything is okay? How do I manage to keep getting up when sometimes it tends to look like there is no point in getting back up? How do I manage to keep moving on?”
My mind, on that thought-stream, gave me a one-worded answer that calmed me.
Hope… the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life…
In other words, somehow, I seem to be hopeful…
On a slightly positive side, I could boast to be an initiate of the Blue Lantern Corps. That would be swell, wouldn’t it? *shrugs*
“In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars– For hope burns bright!”