I honestly didn’t expect to return back here for another couple weeks/couple months. Not because I didn’t have anything to write about but more because I didn’t think what I had to write about was worth writing.
Nonetheless, I am here now.
That is something.
I don’t like arguing.
“Argue – To engage in a quarrel; dispute.”
I find it an annoying thing, especially when it is over something/someone/etc I deem irrelevant. I mean, I am all for standing your ground for what you believe in, but as far as I am concerned, it should not always end in an argument with opinion-heads clashing in a violent battle of “I am right”.
No one is right.
We are just fortunately permitted to be able to access free-will and come to terms with what we ‘like’, ‘believe’ and whatever generally floats our boat.
So back to base. I don’t like arguing.
There was a time back when I would end up getting in argument with the other party taking offence something that I said and I would spend the next couple hours, apologising and grovelling because I valued their friendship and the thought of having to lose that bothered me a lot. It usually felt like I was losing a ‘loved one’ to something akin to death. So I would usually spice my sentences up with a lot of “I’m sorry” and “I didn’t mean it” and “I’m really sorry”… You get the idea.
It continued on till I got reprimanded by a friend who sorta drilled a few things into me…
- Never say sorry for something you’re not sorry for.
- Stand your ground.
I found it hard to live by it. If I argued and someone else felt wronged by my opinions, wasn’t it my duty to apologise for offending them and causing them to get angry? wasn’t it my duty to try and get back to neutral ground, regretting my actions and voicing my opinions? So I thought.
A couple months of revelations, betrayal, daes-dae’mar, and the down-right ‘shittyness’ of life, my dim eyes suddenly open a bit clearer. Maturity has painted me a new picture and the attention to artful detail is pretty much 4K. Somehow, the draw of adulthood is to make everything seem different. Everything changes. Relationships between friends suddenly feel more like a game of chess, surveying and tactically planning the next move, the next words, the next actions.
I don’t like arguing.
But lately, I find myself getting pulled into some arguments and when in previous times, I attempted to shy away from such in order to avoid the unavoidable curse of endless apologies and sorry’s, now I face the arguments head on with a hard heart and a steel mind. I have to say; I feel cold. Things are said, emotions are hurt, and both parties are walking away angry and prone to make some bad decisions. I walk-out feeling empty. Clockwork innards.
I don’t like arguing…but I don’t care any more.