I can’t sleep.
Been trying for the last hour and 45 minutes, and still, I can’t sleep. Which (btw), sucks because it means I’m stuck awake with lingering thoughts that haven’t quite been resolved yet.
Sometimes, I wonder… how different things would have been, had certain conditions been met. All these dreams and fake dreams, I wonder what the changes would have revealed.
Once again, I am reminded by my actions and thoughts that i’m not quite good in expressing myself with spoken words. I am reminded that things only make sense when I write it down, by which the moment such things were needed are already long past.
I am reminded that I feel too deeply. Not a fault of anyone, as I already resigned to the fact that it was how I was made. To feel. To be sensitive. And every opportunity I have had to turn it off have only served to show me a side of myself that I believe is best not existing. I want to feel. It is how I remain effective in how I’m supposed to help those around me.
But, it is an open nerve.
So it hurts really bad when I hurt. And sometimes, writing out how I feel doesn’t quite fix that. I usually just hold on till it passes.
I’ve got these dreams in my head of what I’d like, or where I’d want to be eventually and every now and then, it begins to seem almost unreachable. But I know I can’t give up… that I cower and hide. So I keep walking.
There is this weight of responsibility that feels crushing and yet, there is no one else that can carry it but me, because it’s mine to shoulder. So I shoulder it, firming my legs as I walk on. Every now and then, it gets heavier as I, in my usual folly, make a stupid mistake and add to the weight.
I don’t know anymore.
I need to sleep. I’m tired of being prey to my thoughts and worries.
I need to sleep.