Anxiety, Emotion, Fiction, Love, Pain, PenPractice, Poem, thoughts

Lie To Me

“He loves us…
Can’t you see it?

Him professing his every love for us
Without even trying to make us official
Because we’re already official,
Can’t you see it?

All the midnight trysts,
Hotel visits,
And subtle holidays,
The nicknames, fake names and
Fake appointments.

Why else would he try so much,
If we don’t mean so much to his enjoyment?

He called us his ever after,
Always after,
Everything else in his life
So that he can spend time with us.

If that’s not love,
Then what is?”

“It’s alright…

We’re alright.

I mean, we’re not happy
But we’re not sad,
We’re just ‘there’ dealing with issues,
Not so different from anyone else, right?

It’s not a big deal,
Not even a deal at all,
Just human with human emotions
And dark thoughts filling the ether

Other than which,
We are pretty standard
So no use talking about it
With someone else
Or even yourself in the mirror.

It’s alright…”

“So what?
She broke up with us,
So what?

She doesn’t deserve us,
If anything, she’s lost us.
Lost access to the magnificence that is us,
The sheer brilliance that we offer.

I mean, sure, we might not ‘love’ again
But what is love anyway?
What good did it do us?

Its a useless emotion.
A weak feeling professed by idiots
And we’re better off without it.

I mean, sure,
some Hearts might be broken along the way
But as long as we get our fun
What business is it to us?

We don’t need her.
We have us.

We are alright… right?”

Coping System, Emotion, PenPractice, Poem, thoughts

Surface Ripples

There’s a certain taste to it
A spice thats too much for any rational palate
The kind of seasoning that ruins a dish.

Its grief.

There’s nothing quite like it
Corrosive poison cycling through your heart
The kind of stuff that silently kills

You’re grieving

And nothing anyone says captures it
The sheer monstrosity of drowning in pain
Sinking below the surface of ‘alright’
Thrashing,
Struggling,
Gasping for relief
So a hand stretches to the dwindling light
As hope whimpers its final breaths



Then a hand breaks the surface
And grabs yours.

Thoughts

A Return To Form

I told myself, at the beginning of this post, that I’ll try to make this a short one.

Or course, it’s all in my head, so maybe it wouldn’t be as I think it should. In any case, it’s been months/years since I did a write up so it’s only proper that I do the needful…

First off, Happy New Year and all that wonderful stuff. I have been missing for the better part of the lockdown for hobby and mental health related reasons. I had nothing to write (specifically), and I was working on some gaming related work on the side which is turning out well, to be honest.

Nonetheless, as someone trying to carve out a space as a writer, being away for so long is a detriment to the long term plan so it is only apt that I do the needful.

Speaking of which, here are some announcements for your eyes.

1. Book two of the Heirarchy is in the works. I had a plan for it to have been published by my birthday but I failed.

2. I’m working on something else on the side. I can’t talk much about it because it’s existence is under contest rules so please bear with me.

3. I have half a mind to return to my newsletters but I’m planning on how to better implement it for the future.

4. My fourth book is in the edits and I’m hoping to approach a publisher for that so wish me luck.

And thats really it. I have something in my mind to discuss but that will be in a different post that goes up either later tonight or tomorrow.

In any case, I’d like to say I’m back.

Hope the year has been kind to you and yours.

Thoughts

Big Picture. Little Picture.

You know… It has been a while since my last blog post and honestly, I shouldn’t be writing in the mood that I’m in. But, writing in an emotional state tends to be the best state in which I can make words make sense.

I need words to make sense.

2020 was and is supposed to be a different year. A different way of thinking, new moves, new life and the promise of something completely out of this world. Something I’ve been chasing since she said yes to me over the phone when I told her I’d like to date her.

The dream of a new house and a new car. A few books out under my name and some upwards movement with my life and that of those around me. Colleagues had plans in place, I had weddings to attend and one to plan even. There was a positive trend to the year.

And then. Covid-19.

Covid. Flipping. 19.

And all the heavy lifting that had been put in place from the months before… All the sweat and tears and frustration and stress of trying to pull everything together into a cohesive picture suddenly goes out of the window. The monsters and the burden that had been discarded down were suddenly back up as the scramble re-began and trying to pull it all together.

I mean, it’s not everyday that one sits to fight and survive a pandemic, even if the death stat is about 5% of total cases. 5.3% to be pedantic, really.

Still, the wedding is most likely going to be postponed. The vendors are back into negotiating stages. The house process is postponed. Stress levels are rising. Everyone is working from home and all of this…

All of this = Little Picture.

It’s the extent of the things that I can control, even if the control itself is nothing more than an illusion. A brilliant and sweet illusion but the faux control is still enough to give off the right amount of dopamine that is just grand.

And then, there’s the big picture.

A global pandemic.

Who knew all the years of watching disaster movies would end in us experiencing one? Real-life imitating fiction and we’re living in it in real-time. Right to the tip-top second.

NOTE: Coronaviruses are a group of related viruses that cause diseases in mammals and birds. In humans, coronaviruses cause respiratory tract infections that can be mild, such as some cases of the common cold (among other possible causes, predominantly rhinoviruses), and others that can be lethal, such as SARSMERS, and COVID-19.

The coronavirus, Covid-19, is spreading like a bad rash on a hot day and we’re barely keeping it back. The hospitals are overflowing with patients, everyone and their moms are getting sick and the unfortunate souls with outstanding health conditions are being forced to come to terms with what it means to contract the virus.

Countries are struggling to contain the spread, entire cities are trying to survive. Face masks are low in supply, the economy is having one heck of a wild ride and the sneaking suspicion that things will be a lot different when the virus has completed its cycle assuming, of course, that it completes its cycle.

Conspiracy theorists are filling the airwaves with half-truths and misinformation, looking for something or someone to blame. 5G is the current culprit as people attribute the technology to being capable of causing difficulty in breathing. I mean, I’m a tech guy but for all my research, I haven’t seen anything to attribute it to such.

Still, the false belief that it was 5G that kickstarted the virus has made its way on WhatsApp and Facebook and you know what happens after that.

Italy and Spain are battling the worst of it. USA is barely doing appropriate testing, along with their cousin, UK. The middle east is doing their best to sort out lock-downs while Africa (as a whole continent) is trucking on because (a) there’s a false belief that we’re immune and (b) we don’t have the testing facilities to prove otherwise.*

*Well as far as I know…

Nonetheless, I guess one of the best things to come out of this is the awareness of just how much the nurses and doctors all work to keep everyone else safe and sane. When this tale is over, I hope people remember them to forever be the heroes that they’ve shown themselves to be. More importantly, I pray that they will be able to be whole again when it’s all done.

All in all. Covid-19 has us by the privates and it’s squeezing tight.

The Big Picture.

So, here I am… angry and frustrated at how my plans for the year have more or less been tanked. And feeling guilty because in the face of the problems I’m looking at, I’m intentionally ignoring the bigger issue of what the world is experiencing.

And even with the knowledge… Even with the realisation that nothing matters until Covid-19 is sorted out and a vaccine is found, I still can’t help but feel like the year has robbed me of what I had been looking forward to for years now.

And I don’t know how to feel about it all.

Stay Home. Save Lives.