Anxiety, Coping System, Descriptive, Emotion, Late Night, Pain, PenPractice, Thoughts, thoughts, writing

Grey Clarity on a Cold Evening

Life is funny, sometimes. A downright comedian when you truly begin to see how it operates. How it flows and ebbs. How it pulls and pushes. A Joker, to be succinct.

And whenever I said this, I’m generally met with momentary confusion and awkward reluctant acceptance especially after I add the caveat that I have at a ready for situations like this.

“Life is funny sometimes because all you can do is laugh… Because if you don’t laugh, well… then it breaks you down.”

Isn’t it interesting how one of the most important, underrated emotions that no one seems to talk about is “Disappointment”

I personally think its one of the stronger negative emotions. Not anger or frustration or pain or grief.

Disappointment. /dɪsəˈpɔɪntm(ə)nt/
sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one’s hopes or expectations.
to her disappointment, there was no chance to talk privately with Luke”

Its a Thursday night (as of this writing) and I’m sequestered on a table at the corner of a beautifully decorated hall to celebrate a friends traditional Nigerian wedding.

The colours are cool; Purple, adorned with white flowers sets and green flowery background around the couples’ chair. A dance floor, white with gold trimmings with the print names of my friends. The music is loud and inviting. Different notes, different tones and the adults are all enjoying themselves in the centre, dancing their night away in joy and laughter.

The joy I feel for my friends, the couple, is immense. Its been a while coming, especially with how the pandemic has derailed everything.

And it is in this immense joy, that I find myself being disappointed.

Disappointed with plans.
Disappointed with Life.
Disappointed with people.
Disappointed in things.
Disappointment like grief.

This, ever-expanding sea of apathy and diet nihilism that I’ve fallen into but I’m not drowning. It’s not choking me. Instead, it wraps itself around me like a breathing apparatus. I can see through the ripples. I can breathe through the tube in my mouth. My movements are delayed but I’m not bound or restrained against my will.

And its because of this disappointment-like-grief that I have to laugh in the face of life being life. In the face of life being volatile. Because if I can’t laugh at the intricacies and idiosyncrasies of life, I lose the only defence against the apathy in front of me.

And that’s the one thing I can’t allow.

After all, if life ebbs and flows like the sea then I’ll be eventually washed up on a beach somewhere. Preferably with a cocktail in one hand and my wife’s hand in the other. Some summer wear to enjoy the season and a hammock so that we can gaze at the blue. And life would be good again.

Until the next tidal wave hits.

Anxiety, Emotion, Fiction, Love, Pain, PenPractice, Poem, thoughts

Lie To Me

“He loves us…
Can’t you see it?

Him professing his every love for us
Without even trying to make us official
Because we’re already official,
Can’t you see it?

All the midnight trysts,
Hotel visits,
And subtle holidays,
The nicknames, fake names and
Fake appointments.

Why else would he try so much,
If we don’t mean so much to his enjoyment?

He called us his ever after,
Always after,
Everything else in his life
So that he can spend time with us.

If that’s not love,
Then what is?”

“It’s alright…

We’re alright.

I mean, we’re not happy
But we’re not sad,
We’re just ‘there’ dealing with issues,
Not so different from anyone else, right?

It’s not a big deal,
Not even a deal at all,
Just human with human emotions
And dark thoughts filling the ether

Other than which,
We are pretty standard
So no use talking about it
With someone else
Or even yourself in the mirror.

It’s alright…”

“So what?
She broke up with us,
So what?

She doesn’t deserve us,
If anything, she’s lost us.
Lost access to the magnificence that is us,
The sheer brilliance that we offer.

I mean, sure, we might not ‘love’ again
But what is love anyway?
What good did it do us?

Its a useless emotion.
A weak feeling professed by idiots
And we’re better off without it.

I mean, sure,
some Hearts might be broken along the way
But as long as we get our fun
What business is it to us?

We don’t need her.
We have us.

We are alright… right?”

Emotion, Life, Thoughts

In Too Deep

I fell in too deep.

I… I think for the first time in my life, actually no, second time in my…. my bad, I meant third time in my life where I’ve gone off the cliff, took a dive and hoped for a good enough splash to make some sense.

I think I fell in too deep.

Part of me wants to say I didn’t see it coming or how it was completely by surprise, but it wasn’t. It was going to be this way. I was going to take the leap of faith and somehow hope for the best. The confidence was usually based on some sort of feedback.

Right… too vague.

I fell for [redacted], and decided to confess, whilst battling something akin to a storm in my life. I figured then would be the best time to say it. You know, get it out of the way before other things come and take some sort of priority. Figured, at least, I’d have something potentially great going. The feeling was mutual.


I don’t know why I assumed I’d be capable to deal with the “but…”, especially when I had fallen too deep into it. Everything past this point becomes speculation and heart politics, both of which I’m ill-equipped to deal with… until my instincts kick in.

I promised I’d wait for as long as my heart will let me.

But, I worry.

Coping System, Emotion, Poem

That which is unexpected / Truth cycle

The week started great.

Better than expected actually. Work progressed much better as things were being done well before deadlines and all those extra stuff.

Then came the first missed call.

And the obvious expected callback which resulted in listening to the robot tell me to leave a message and try again at a different time. A voicemail, I believe was the idea.

Then came the second missed call.

And this time, it came with a voicemail.

I perform the much needed callback almost instantly.

She answers.

And then the conversation occurs. 10 minutes later, I’m back at my desk, clutching the edges of my table, wondering exactly how this managed to happen. I tell myself to calm down. I can feel my heart beat steady. Slow. Heavily.

Mental faculty goes quiet. It can’t articulate properly anymore. Questions get dropped into the silent space, but the neurones avoid the virus. My mouth goes numb, my eyes get sharper. I remain in full alert. My face falls back into default. A fake smile creeps on my lips and I let it stay.

“I will ride the wave till the end.”

I hear the words echo in my skull, reverbrating in the ’empty’ shell.

“…till the end.”


Officially, I get an oral thumbs.

Unofficially, I get a written mark down.

Which is the truth? which is the lie?

I question the dissent. I question the difference.

I find confusion at the crossroad.

I see dilemma in the options.

Do I trust one? Do I trust the other?

Which is the issue?

What is the solution?

Mental strength burdened by the responsibility.

Apathy clears the nonsense.

Apathy creates a new plan.

“Say BS to that which is BS,

Close your heart to those who have wronged you.

Let them know they’ve lost you.

Let them know they’ve hurt you.

Let them know you don’t actually care anymore.”

Heart listens with an open ear.

Gladdened by that which might be right.

Till mind empties the room.

The silence presents a solace.

But then the cycle begins again.

Which is the truth? which is the lie?

I question the dissent. I question the difference.

I find confusion at the crossroad.

I see dilemma in the options.

Do I trust one? Do I trust the other?

Which is the issue?

What is the solution?

Emotion, Thoughts

Matters of the heart…

I’ve never been open in regards to how deeply I feel, or what exactly I feel on an average day.

Somehow, I learnt from early on to keep such things to myself. Not to say, I am shy in revealing how I feel or telling the truth of what emotions I run through, I’ve always held in check. At some point growing up, after entering boarding school, I learnt to not divulge information needlessly. I will like to believe this was born that.

Nonetheless, that’s all story.

I’m currently confused.

Matters of the heart and what not.

As it turns out, I do like [redacted]. I also like [redacted]. But now, I’m at a point where I don’t think I can keep going everyday without being sure as to who I’m willing to risk asking again. Their relative presence and proximity to me makes my day. They don’t even have to say much.

They are very different and yet, similar in the way they approach situations and the drive that pushes them. They are also currently similar in the way they make me feel.

There are little tell tale signs as to which I should probably confess to. Little clues as to who could possibly be the better bet to lean on. However, at the very same time, there are reasons why they both possibly would not be all so great choices for me.

So I don’t know.

I’m not sure when I will know.

I do know it will make for an interesting day though. When my heart chooses to speak and I keep quiet and watch it serenade the right person I’m supposed to be with, as planned by God. I know, for a strong fact, it is going to ridiculously cheesy.

But I think it would be fun.

… now to prepare for the ‘date’ on friday/saturday *sighs*


I Am Actually Bored…

…and it is with such boredom that I have come to realise a few things which are suddenly playing over and over in my head like a cheaply made, gruesome horror movie… 

Boredom sucks.

That state where you have no clue what to do with your time, so you sit by the TV or by the Laptop and watch as you age away doing absolutely nothing worthwhile… The time where you suddenly get lazy, unmotivated, hungry, slothful…even your brain refuses to do work so you end up indulging in stupid, foolish, mind-wandering, finger-typing, internet-trolling that you eventually regret as soon as the boredom regresses. 

Yeah, Boredom sucks…

Worse yet, Boredom is probably one of the most dangerous things out there that the majority have refused to notice. And I say majority, because heck, I just finally figured it out today. Boredom makes you do things, say things that frankly, are not you. You indulge in a craving for mischief that more times than not, you can’t really explain why you did it, except for the fact that it seemed to assist in killing time. We get so into the boredom that we shirk duties and hobbies and knowledge only for us to regret that later on in the future. We’d miss opportunities and chances to work towards the success we love to dream off, only so that we can relish in the YOLO moment we think will help us enjoy/utilise our boredom. We break hearts, make lies, destroy lives because we have nothing better to do.


It might not happen physically…

but ladies and gentlemen.

Boredom kills. 

Think about that.