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I’m not sure if my readers will understand this post (not in any way, taking a shot at them… If it comes across as such, I apologise) but I’m going to write nonetheless, while still nursing a headache with a bottle of water.

I spoke about boredom in my last post and I think I’ve arrived at the conclusion that my boredom stems from not being motivated enough to continue what I do in my free time (and I use this word loosely, seeing as an unemployed guy like me is practically free all the time… at least that’s what I’d like to think). Why not motivated enough? not sure. At a point in time, I decided to push the blame on external reasons, you know,

1) friends

2) family

3) etc

but I just don’t know any more. I’d say it comes down to believing in myself or having someone believe in me, because lately, I don’t seem to have that any more. I’ve got so many dreams in my head that I can’t help but want to accomplish some of them… And dear me, do I dream big. But I’ve come to realise that people believing in you in general is actually different from people believing that you’d actually achieve your dreams… I’m not saying they would be against it, but its more indifference really. They’d believe you could make ‘something’ of yourself but would sometimes limit what the ‘something’ might be…

Being a recent graduate from a good university with some albeit good grades, the next best thing would be employment, job, money, house, wife and family. And from the POV of a normal well-to-do african family, its really all just in a middle-class mediocrity. They try and imbibe a lot of realism into you not because they’d hate to see you up there with the rich classes but simply because they know that the chances of you reaching the rich classes is greatly lessened by about 90% because of
a) skin colour
b) legitimacy
ergo, you’d either have to be ‘not black’ or willing to go through ‘unconventional’ means to achieve such a status.

So they unconsciously try to shape you into someone who will thrive well in the middle-class against all odds, while accidentally stemming your dreams before they even get planted.

I don’t blame them.

Life has been harsh and they can only teach us from what they’ve experienced, right?

Something about growing up changes people…

And I’m not even talking about physical growth of hair, or the growth spurt in height or the growth of a beard or wider hips or better curves in all the right places for the female species but something more mentally-inclined… The philosophical truth guiding one’s progress in life, if you may.

And more often than not, the change is not exactly pleasant. It’s like somehow in the process of actually becoming an adult, we lose our innocent self and replace it with a darker rendition of what we could have been. Self-defence maybe? against what we view as the injustice in the world?

I find it sad.

Having to stand back and watch as the people you used to know with the smiles and the happy faces become weary, distrustful and bitter. You try to cheer them up and they dislike you for it, call you a hippie of always being ‘overly’ happy. You attempt to show them that people do care about them but they fail to look past their troubles to see the love existing on the other side.

What’s the point of all I’m writing?

I guess I just wanted to let it out of my head.

People change as they grow… but the real question i suppose I should have begun with is this…

Is such a change for the good or for the bad?

Not sure who’s out there still reading this, what i write or what I post… Its beginning to feel like words on deaf ears, but on ears nonetheless, it is being said. The original blog began with the aim of saying things I won’t probably say in person, not because I can’t but because conversation pathways rarely lead there. So I created this to say what I thought about issues and stuffs. It was going to be  my friends and I writing but as life has seemed to hand us different fruits to deal with, we’ve resulted in different aims.

SO for the foreseeable future, it is just going to be me writing on this blogspace. I am not turning this to a second tumblr (the first being http://www.ibless.tumblr.com) but I am going to write properly here. Write about what I’m observing and how it feels or how it seems to me. I’m only here to present the world as I see it through my lenses. As fogged up / messed up as they can seem to be. It is purely opinionated.

With all that said and done, I guess I can therefore officially welcome you to my wordpress page.

Welcome to thorougheyes.wordpress.com