Coping System, Emotion, Poem

That which is unexpected / Truth cycle

The week started great.

Better than expected actually. Work progressed much better as things were being done well before deadlines and all those extra stuff.

Then came the first missed call.

And the obvious expected callback which resulted in listening to the robot tell me to leave a message and try again at a different time. A voicemail, I believe was the idea.

Then came the second missed call.

And this time, it came with a voicemail.

I perform the much needed callback almost instantly.

She answers.

And then the conversation occurs. 10 minutes later, I’m back at my desk, clutching the edges of my table, wondering exactly how this managed to happen. I tell myself to calm down. I can feel my heart beat steady. Slow. Heavily.

Mental faculty goes quiet. It can’t articulate properly anymore. Questions get dropped into the silent space, but the neurones avoid the virus. My mouth goes numb, my eyes get sharper. I remain in full alert. My face falls back into default. A fake smile creeps on my lips and I let it stay.

“I will ride the wave till the end.”

I hear the words echo in my skull, reverbrating in the ’empty’ shell.

“…till the end.”

—————————————–

Officially, I get an oral thumbs.

Unofficially, I get a written mark down.

Which is the truth? which is the lie?

I question the dissent. I question the difference.

I find confusion at the crossroad.

I see dilemma in the options.

Do I trust one? Do I trust the other?

Which is the issue?

What is the solution?

Mental strength burdened by the responsibility.

Apathy clears the nonsense.

Apathy creates a new plan.

“Say BS to that which is BS,

Close your heart to those who have wronged you.

Let them know they’ve lost you.

Let them know they’ve hurt you.

Let them know you don’t actually care anymore.”

Heart listens with an open ear.

Gladdened by that which might be right.

Till mind empties the room.

The silence presents a solace.

But then the cycle begins again.

Which is the truth? which is the lie?

I question the dissent. I question the difference.

I find confusion at the crossroad.

I see dilemma in the options.

Do I trust one? Do I trust the other?

Which is the issue?

What is the solution?

Coping System, Emotion

*

It began from the music.

Spotify speaking as the subwoofer next to my bedframe interpreted it’s words to me. So I awake.

After four hours of an on and off sleep, I awake back into darkness. The sun had set over the horizon, even as the skies return to reflecting and filtering the colour from space. Space blue with variable degrees of dark and light, that one can’t help but marvel at the wonder. The clouds hanging in the sky, moving as the wind wills it across the heavens.

I feel my hand push past my body and reach blindly for my blackberry. It takes a few tried but eventually, my hand embraces the warm leather casing sheltering my communication tool.

My eyes open.

It takes a few seconds to focus.

The time read 20:42. It would appear my mind was right in its estimation. I feel my legs swing off the bed and touch the carpeted ground. I don’t remember registering the temperature.

I dropped my phone as my hands moved to autopilot. One wiping the sleep off my face as the other moved to hold my computer’s mouse.

I stopped. I returned to my phone.

No messages.

A deep feeling sinks in. My mind went quiet. I dropped a pin in hope of a response but the pin drop was louder than I expected. I touched my heart. It thumped slowly. Steadily. Heavily.

I worried about it so I question it.

– what is wrong?

• we are alone

– not really… we have (sister) downstairs as well as the parents. Not discounting the sister in Sheffield and your little nephew…

• you know what I mean, owner. We have no one.

I felt myself being shut out.

what about (redacted)? Or (redacted)?

I felt my heart groan in pain. He’s right. It’s not like I talk to them much anymore. Assuming we talk to them at all. Maybe he’s right.

Just to be sure though, I pick up the phone back with both hands and fire up two messages. I hit send and await the replies.

Coping System, Emotion, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Empty Experience

I’ve reached a stage in life that I can’t fully explain in words because it doesn’t fully make sense to me. A lot of random stupid variables popping up in this equation in my head that’s making the maths a tad more difficult that I hoped it would be.

Once again I’m lost because it doesn’t make sense.

Life never does.

I’m in a place where I’m relatively happy. Got a job which means I have an income which implies I can afford to save and spend on what I want/need. It also means some leeway with the ‘rents (apparently) and as such, some freedom is allowed. I think.

But then I’ve figured that I don’t like 9-5 jobs. Because they are usually tedious no matter how interesting it seems. Its an office with amazing colleagues but I find myself more bored than I can handle. Conformity. Can’t work with my headphones on so I have to adjust to company standards and my mind can’t take it. So it shuts off.

I get home and I’ve got chores and whatever. My parents and I always ending up at odds with each other. They’d probably say I’m petulant while I’d probably say they are not understanding enough.

No rights. All wrong.

I also found out that my nights became more lonely. And more busy. A cocktail of both. Monday nights and Tuesday nights were usually mine to enjoy. Wednesday and Thursday are spent at church. Friday is a coin toss.

And it’s still a lonely feeling. I’m still not connected to reality. Almost feels like everyone is having an engaging, enjoyable social experience while I’m just observing it all. So it gets lonely. I spend more times looking at my phone than actually responding to people from it.

Found out that the people I want to talk with get fewer with each day. I honestly would prefer one and that one to be the One but all the potential ones are not so I’m just there.

Friends forget you till they need you. After which they forget you once your relevance is expended. They’d invite you to support their event or Facebook page or ask for some monetary assistance and yet they can’t even reply your “hey” with a “hi”.

So off the radar.

It’s been a while since I’ve ranted and there are reasons for that.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from life anymore.

Life seems to be going great but… It just feels like an empty experience.

Coping System, Thoughts, Time

Spring!

The vision for spring this year was different to what I had originally imagined. First there is the issue of UK’s tumultuous weather (who can’t seem to decide correctly what it should be doing for spring time) and then we have the general outlook of everything else; Baroness Thatcher’s passing away, North Korea’s ego issue (they are honestly threatening war, when all signs are pointing to their loss) and other everyday news, I guess…

That being said, that’s not the purpose of this post; that was just background setting.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today… you know, the side in which you wake up with memories and emotions you ‘sorta’ thought had been resolved and had long since gone by now, but turns out, they were just on holiday. So you get up, attempt to go on with your day’s routine but for some reason, the memories (and emotions) are interfering with your mood, and hence, interfering with the way you go about your day. So here I am, writing to sort it out (Again) and hope that it honestly goes.

I have really never been one to dwell on bad things when they occur. I tend to give as much as I feel is needed on the issue before then moving on and changing into a more positive outlook on life. Which usually tends to work but it has occurred to me, that it is becoming harder as I mature, somewhat. And its not like it is anything new, it is still the same old stuff… (+ a one or two new additions)

so you know;

  • Job (soon come, eventually)
  • Finances (tied to the first one)
  • Losing friends (which I have to start getting used to)
  • Frustration (comes and goes, depending on the day)
  • Misunderstandings
  • Getting taken for granted

Same. Old.

New addition though, turns out I might be losing my Bestie. Not as in, losing her friendship, more like drifting away from her… So basically like from Best friends, back down to Close Friends, then Good friends and then just Friends…

At this point in time, I’d say she’s in the ‘Close Friend’ stage… that is how I feel, based on the sporadic & disjointed interactions and conversations I have with her lately. And with the way my life is slowly progressing, there is the thought that I might not find anyone who would be that close to me any more.

Which in all honesty sucks; seeing as she is sort of my confidant and my advisor on certain instances.

But life trudges on, right?

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Coping System, Emotion, Response, Thoughts

Just Another Frustrated Somebody

Not exactly sure what I’m writing on but I figure as I go on, it will eventually be clear to me…hopefully. You see, these past few days I’ve brought a certain familiar emotion/thought to my attention, one that I had been avoiding for a long time now and dare I say, I am not in the least pleased to re-visit it again…

Frustration sucks. <—- This I have always known…

…except for the fact that now, I can see it apparent in almost everyone I look at. I figure because I’m so attuned to it, that it has become quite easy for me to notice it in others and yes people, we all seem to have it. Some have learnt to ignore it and get on with life, others have unwillingly succumbed to its poisonous whispers. Trust me, I understand this. Frustration and I go a long way back… Heck, it was even present at graduation. Match-made in heaven? I doubt, but hey, love is blind, right (?)

#SarcasmIntended

So yeah, Frustration (yes, hyper-linked to a poem I wrote a few months back and posted on my Tumblr blog) seems to show a lot among adults, or rather, the adults I tend to see here and there. It seems to be so heavy among the adult-folk that it affects actions, emotions, thoughts, etc.  And its understandable when you view it from the perspective of one in the same shoes… You see, everyone has a dream, might be small, might be big but a dream is a dream nonetheless, and as you grow, you will inevitably meet a resistance to the dream. And the resistance will always come in different forms. Some will appear through finances, some through job availability, some through chances and some through the non-belief that you can make it (this one sounds small but come on, think about it, do you have any idea how hard it is to try and be somebody when no one else believes you can make it? Not saying you can’t but I’m saying its crazily difficult)

In my case, my frustration is both aimed at self (for not doing as well as I could have in university) and just in general due to the fact that I don’t have a job yet, which means I can’t put my plans into motion yet, which means my dream just gets a bit harder to reach or visualise.

What am I getting at here? Frustration is invariably an emotional response we have to deal with at some point in life but I guess the real and true question is “How do we deal with frustration?”

In my case, being on the path of Christianity and all, the ‘obvious’ choice would be to “Let Go & Let God” which sounds like an easy concept. Sounds like, does not mean it is. So I keep trying to do that and I know one day I’ll get good at it. But at the moment, its hard and I’m trying but I can’t seem to do it yet.

Another advice would be to keep pushing on regardless of whatever stands in your way… *shrugs* Manning Up as some would say.

Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success” – Bo Bennett

Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment.” – Dale Carnegie

It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail.” – Lech Walesa

That’s all I got really. (PS: I think I know what I’m going to name the post now)

That being said,
How do YOU deal with your frustration? (comment if you want to share and don’t mind)

later.

Shadowyugi