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This year is going anytime now.

At least, that’s mostly what the world is pondering on right now, as they use the remaining minutes to enjoy the remainder of 2015 in their own special way.

Some are clubbing, others are on the London Bridge, overlooking the ‘Eye, with a bottle in their hands and their phone on camera standby. And then you get the rest like I, dancing, praising and praying our way into the new year.

So yeah, I’m in church.

I would have done this at home, but that’s a story that can be forgotten with the passing of 2015. Nonetheless, as the year ends, it’s only right (As per usual), that I summarise myself as to the occurrences of this year past.

In short form, 2015 has been brilliant.

On a longer note, 2015 has not been perfect. I have fallen quite a few times this year in ways I did not expect. I’ve tripped over broken hearts, expectations and at a point, cowering from the skeleton that escaped my closet. But as life will have it, it turns out I have a ghostbusting family, fully equipped to drop some madness on my personal demons.

(picture’s from Google, people)

I don’t think I could ever thank them enough, but God sees my heart (as messed up as it is).

I love those guys.

Back on topic, 2015 taught me a few things I plan on putting into practice in 2016. A few basic things and a few important things I will list out in a bit. It is worth mentioning that these things are based on me and are for me, but if at any point in time, you feel they might apply to you, then sure :-), we can share in the lessons… but here they are:

– A smaller friend circle is a safe and healthy decision. It keeps your business out of a lot of random mouths and actually decreases the likelihood of nonsense advices.

– Friends come and go, just like seasons. There are friends for the season, and there are friends who have been placed in your life. Sometimes (I feel), we try and blur the lines sometimes and treat the temporary ones like they are family. And as such, when they exit our life, we find this gaping hole. It’s okay to let them go.

– Fear is useless and rather deadly. See the ‘R.A.E.F’ post on this. It is okay to admit you’re afraid of a situation. You’d be surprised how amazing people can be when you share what frightens you so.

– Feel ‘lightly’. This one, I believe is immensely personal. I probably will write about it in depth later on in 2016.

– The first monumental progress towards achieving a dream is in taking the first step towards said dream. Dreams remain just that, a dream, until you take the first metaphorical step towards it, after which it becomes part of your reality. And that, dear friends, is wondrous.

That’s basically it, to be honest. Everything else is personal goals, and plans for the year.

Nevertheless, to concluded on what I began with. 2015 has been brilliant, and it has made me hopeful for 2016.

I can almost feel it already. And it feels awesome.

See you guys in 2016.

I once thought I could save those close to me.
Protect them from the hurt I saw coming.

Shield them from pain,
and help them carry their burdens.

I was young then.

I was naive too.

I never could do any of the above,
And I apologise for being inadequate.

There’s one thing I can promise you though.

You’re not alone.
You’ve always got me by your side.
Through thick, thin,
and all kinds of hurdles that life might hurl towards you.

So.

You can drop the mirror now.

Let’s go face the world together.

I can’t sleep.

Been trying for the last hour and 45 minutes, and still, I can’t sleep. Which (btw), sucks because it means I’m stuck awake with lingering thoughts that haven’t quite been resolved yet.

Sometimes, I wonder… how different things would have been, had certain conditions been met. All these dreams and fake dreams, I wonder what the changes would have revealed.

Once again, I am reminded by my actions and thoughts that i’m not quite good in expressing myself with spoken words. I am reminded that things only make sense when I write it down, by which the moment such things were needed are already long past.

I am reminded that I feel too deeply. Not a fault of anyone, as I already resigned to the fact that it was how I was made. To feel. To be sensitive. And every opportunity I have had to turn it off have only served to show me a side of myself that I believe is best not existing. I want to feel. It is how I remain effective in how I’m supposed to help those around me.

But, it is an open nerve.

So it hurts really bad when I hurt. And sometimes, writing out how I feel doesn’t quite fix that. I usually just hold on till it passes.

I’ve got these dreams in my head of what I’d like, or where I’d want to be eventually and every now and then, it begins to seem almost unreachable. But I know I can’t give up… that I cower and hide. So I keep walking.

There is this weight of responsibility that feels crushing and yet, there is no one else that can carry it but me, because it’s mine to shoulder. So I shoulder it, firming my legs as I walk on. Every now and then, it gets heavier as I, in my usual folly, make a stupid mistake and add to the weight.

I don’t know anymore.

I need to sleep. I’m tired of being prey to my thoughts and worries.

I need to sleep.

Sometimes in life, things will happen in life that will threaten to throw you off the course.

And sometimes, the fear that follows is disabling. A fear so strong it messes up your sense and brings out your worst fears, so clear that you place belief in that which is neither proven nor real.

You begin to believe in the worst and dwell in the immense pit of negativity that baptizes you over and over again in an almost drowning state. You flail and then go under so many times you lose count of just how much oxygen you’re managing to inhale.

Life gets dark and lonely. You get weird. The burden that you carry that oozes out this immense fear blinds you everything else. You shield your heart because you can’t stand to accept the pain that is coming. The pain that is going to be inflicted. The pain you will inflict. You fall prey to the [truth] that you are alone and worthless and you will take this hidden fear to your grave.

You become oblivious to the fact that this fear piles up interest as time goes on. So it gets heavier. Your knees begin to buckle. You begin to feel the back ache. You’re burning a lot of energy just trying to keep carrying it. It becomes more painful and harder as time goes on. You find yourself always holding back because of the fear of letting go. You become so used to the fear that for a moment, you begin to believe the fear to be more family than family.

The fear becomes familiar.

This fear can kill.

If [Unforgiveness] corrupts the soul, [Fear] strangles your heart and your voice.

—

There comes a time in life where it is okay to admit you’re not okay.

—

Everything gets better after that.

And just like that, the thoughts begin again.

I have stopped trying to stop it. In the first six months this year has given me, I have decided to instead embrace the chaotic mind-stream. To swim within that which makes me emotions change their wavelengths so frequently.

Nevertheless, in this mind-space of white noise, there lies a more joyful tone in the air. The thoughts are not as dark, and neither are the solutions as grim as before. The memories are lighter, the heart is warmer and most of all, the switch that deals with whether or not I choose to care about situations is being utilised to its maximum efficiency and I believe that is great.

I hope.

But even with all that, the melancholy tune wisping it’s way through my thoughts don’t stop. They only get louder. And as it peaks at a mad crescendo, my hands cradle head; one wiping the specks of mental fatigue from my face while the other runs it’s fingers through the uncombed mesh of hair strands on my head. And in the midst of the whole process, one sentence drops into my thoughts…

“Life is actually great, but…”

And I feel my body release an accidental sigh almost on reflex.

Today began like every other Tuesday.

Dull, boring and uninspired. Judging by yesterday’s work end, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to today. But the wheels will turn as God has willed and I found myself on the train to work, penning down thoughts onto a blog one would think I had forgotten.

Surprisingly enough, work went swimmingly. Maybe it was fate’s way of telling me that things can change. Which I know, but you know… sometimes, things will get you down.

But I digress. Work went well. I got a breakthrough that had been hounding me since Friday, so I felt accomplished by the time I was locking my desk and tap-dancing my way to the train home. It wasn’t the best Tuesday, but it was probably the most memorable in a long while.

I slept on the train. I usually do but I was uncharacteristically tired today so I dozed off before I even had any say in the matter. On both trains.

i get home. I make dinner for the family, as I have been doing on Tuesdays and Fridays for the last couple years. And for the first time, in God knows when, I burnt it. Because I fell asleep waiting for it to cook and be done with.

I make the necessary apologies and everything calms down. Returning back to my room, I found myself lost in thought as per usual. Something along the lines of having all these different tools and technology and not using them, but instead using the “when I get back from work, I am usually just very exhausted” and then proceed to de-stress game the rest of the night away. How the heck am I supposed to achieve dreams like this?

So I make a quick life plan. Usually I’d be in Destiny, making a name for my Guardian (if this is above your head, just ignore it, to be honest) but I figured I’d do something different for the next couple hours.

SO I power-up the graphics tablet I newly bought about 4 weeks ago and put it to work.

And it made me feel great. I was even jamming to some nice slow mellow tunes which usually helps me focus my attention and thoughts into the task at hand. (Spotify is my bae like that…)

And then my Dad returns back from work.

And enters my room to say a few things and hash out a new argument, and just like that… all the motivation, all the art, and positive feeling and music, they stop.

And I’m back to square one, where Tuesday is nothing but a shitty day in the week.

Not quite a Drag Monday, but Not as cool as the rest of the days in the week.

Bah.

Half the year has trailed on and here I am, back again, to the piece of internet haven I have learnt to hide my thoughts in.

Searching my emotions, it appears I have missed this… this blog, and writing out emotions in general. In the six months between ‘Nightmare and Daydreams’ and whatever this ends up being, I’m actually happy to be able to say a lot has happened.

And yet. Not so much.

Retrospect reflection is due.

So, I’m not sure if this is going to be a bit of a weird one, but I would like to believe that I have learnt some new stuff. Or learning some new stuff.

Either way, I am going to spend the rest of the week diving into some or all of the things that have occurred and possibly, anything that I’ve have learnt in the mean time.

I can’t promise you a happy story. But I can give you a story, nonetheless.

There lies a certain weariness in the sky,
blackened by the drab wearing, ink coloured clouds,
rain beating the earth in fury,
thunder and lightning lashing out,
nature at war with it’s very self.

I.

…set on the mountain against the wind,
alone with my hands to cover face,
clothes and cover ripped apart
as the air bellowed it’s frustration at me,
bending down to gather and protect the –
broken up future as it lay weeping at my feet

On my knees.

Fear gripping my heart as I cradled it,
greeted with fire and ash as the ground rolled under me,
soot in the air and burnt dust on my tongue,
fingers on the electronics but all i get is the dialing tone
So I look up to the sky and then behind me

Bodies laying on the floor in pieces…
Bodies rolling in the fire, brief instances…
Teeth gnashing from the pain

They all look really familiar,
but it can’t be… can it?
Could it?

//

The sun streaming it’s warmth in 4K,
windows open to usher in life.
Eyes opening to greet the body
laying across mine in intimate embrace

I.

Can’t recall her face but her smile…
even as my whole wall yields before her
Her hands leave my chest,
her finger touches my lips,
and a current travels down my spine.

I want her.

My name resonates through the walls of the house,
and I’m found at the top of the stairs,
surveying the familiarity of faces looking at me.
They smile, and their pride in me,
straightens my back enough to walk down confidently.

Assuredly.

Certain that nothing could top this moment,
I feel a hand around me,
and I’m led by my future onward,
face to face to meet the creator.
Bright lights as I’m warmly welcomed home.

And I see them in the distance,
the two of them,
smiling and waving and calling me home.

I am home, I am home.

//

I wake up to stare at the ceiling
as cold sweat rolls of my head.
A heavy sigh escaping my mouth.

I am home.
And not home.
And before I get the chance to relive the last,
I am dragged back under by the sweet whisperer.

The tape plays again.

And I go back to the beginning.