Category: Uncategorized

Minutes away from the end of the year and I’m forced to reconcile with the fact that this year has been somewhat of a funny dud. It has been much better than 2012… heck, I think my last Friday was better than that whole year but that’s a different angle.

It is Monday, 29th.

The sun has set and the sky has slowly gone dark. The night clouds come slowly into focus as the day begins the journey into the next. The cold hangs in the air as the temperature settles across the land. It maintains the semblance of winter and yet, it is not… A complimentary nod to mental dilemmas and identity crisis.

This has been coming on for awhile, beginning with the silent night of the day past as the house fell asleep. My mind woke up spoke to me regarding the things I had been trying to forget. Things I had carefully packaged and slotted into the 3″ by 6″ little rectangle box space present in the confines of my mental faculty. And it was in this Library of forgotten, suppressed thoughts the package sprung a leak, and the thoughts oozed out in its delicate manner. Subjected to the silent noise, I close my eyes and steady my breathing. The noise maintains it’s incoherence however, steadily growing in intensity and urgency that I retreat to bed for the night in hopes that when my head kisses my pillow, I could find some solace in dreams. I lay mistaken.

So I embrace it. I opened my arms like I was greeting a long lost love and embraced the mental chaos. And as i did, the incoherence begin to arrange themselves to coherent sentences. The statements revolve around me, enchanted in a dance that takes my feet and makes them move. So I dance along to the melancholy tunes and watch as realisation sits in it’s set throne.

I am growing up.

And it hurts.

I think I am finally understanding the reason as to why ‘Men’ do the chasing, and not ‘Women’…

…from between the ages of 22+.

(DISCLAIMER: I am also led to believe that Women from 28+ begin to initiate the chasing because of body clock, but don’t take my word for it… I am a guy)

I stumbled across this personal truth close to a year after my 22, when I suddenly had the emotional pull which explained to me that we needed a ‘one’. The constant contact to which my body and soul and mind would rather converse with or be with than the multitude of friends I am socially supposed to believe are still…well…friends with me.

I went through nights of loneliness. Profound because suddenly, normal conversations just weren’t enough any more.

I couldn’t stand it.

I can’t stand it.

And I still feel it. With each day, the pull gets a little bit stronger. The nights get a little bit quieter, even as I have begun to spend days staring at my phone and finding discovering that the person I want to talk with is not actually talking to me.

It is weird… growing up.

Lol

I honestly didn’t expect to return back here for another couple weeks/couple months. Not because I didn’t have anything to write about but more because I didn’t think what I had to write about was worth writing.

Nonetheless, I am here now.

That is something.
–

I don’t like arguing.

“Argue – To engage in a quarrel; dispute.”
                                                                       -freedictionary.com

I find it an annoying thing, especially when it is over something/someone/etc I deem irrelevant. I mean, I am all for standing your ground for what you believe in, but as far as I am concerned, it should not always end in an argument with opinion-heads clashing in a violent battle of “I am right”.

No one is right.

We are just fortunately permitted to be able to access free-will and come to terms with what we ‘like’, ‘believe’ and whatever generally floats our boat.

So back to base. I don’t like arguing.

There was a time back when I would end up getting in argument with the other party taking offence something that I said and I would spend the next couple hours, apologising and grovelling because I valued their friendship and the thought of having to lose that bothered me a lot. It usually felt like I was losing a ‘loved one’ to something akin to death. So I would usually spice my sentences up with a lot of “I’m sorry” and “I didn’t mean it” and “I’m really sorry”… You get the idea.

It continued on till I got reprimanded by a friend who sorta  drilled a few things into me…

• Never say sorry for something you’re not sorry for. 
• Stand your ground.

I found it hard to live by it. If I argued and someone else felt wronged by my opinions, wasn’t it my duty to apologise for offending them and causing them to get angry? wasn’t it my duty to try and get back to neutral ground, regretting my actions and voicing my opinions? So I thought.

A couple months of revelations, betrayal, daes-dae’mar, and the down-right ‘shittyness’ of life, my dim eyes suddenly open a bit clearer. Maturity has painted me a new picture and the attention to artful detail is pretty much 4K. Somehow, the draw of adulthood is to make everything seem different. Everything changes. Relationships between friends suddenly feel more like a game of chess, surveying and tactically planning the next move, the next words, the next actions.

Anyway…

I don’t like arguing.
But lately, I find myself getting pulled into some arguments and when in previous times, I attempted to shy away from such in order to avoid the unavoidable curse of endless apologies and sorry’s, now I face the arguments head on with a hard heart and a steel mind. I have to say; I feel cold. Things are said, emotions are hurt, and both parties are walking away angry and prone to make some bad decisions. I walk-out feeling empty. Clockwork innards.

I don’t like arguing…but I don’t care any more.

…I begin with the attempt to keep my boredom away. Any longer and my drooping eyelids would have lost the fight against drowsiness and I would have been lost to the tides of the dream world. I wish to digress but I have to honestly agree on the fact that I honestly do want to sleep.
 
But not just any sleep.
 
More of the kind of sleep that allows one to temporarily log out of life and forget all the worries and annoyances that occur on a day-to-day basis. Emotions high and low, expectations fluctuating like the beep-beep heartbeat of the hospitalised patient. I am tired. And I would love to sleep.
 
That said, I digress.
 
In the view of all things, it is my new belief that hardwork is not a skill one masters for the sake of entering into a cv for the brownie points it might offer to the applicant, or the word spoken to sweeten the ears of the employer. Hard work is not trying to appear like one is always working, never sleeping and generally in the act of ‘kissing-ass’ as some of my peers would call.
 
I have come to believe that Hard Work is a lifestyle one must cultivate the moment they begin any form of work, be it in an educational setting or a hobby or even in a work place. I believe Hard work embodies everything a successful person should be, should want to be, at all points in time, at all time given.
 
To be able to fully devote their ‘selves’ (in the metaphysical) sense into everything they decide to do in the time space they decide to do it.
 
It is honestly the only way to get ahead…

Daes Dae’mar™…

Also known as the Game of Houses, or better yet, The ‘Great’ Game.

It refers to the political and social manoeuvring employed by the nobility of various nations to gain status or wealth, or to cause the downfall of others they dislike.

References here, here aaaaanndddd here
—

Do pardon the beginning of the case note, but I just couldn’t help myself. The concept of this title and the little written bit above was taken from a book series that I dearly love.

The Wheel of Time, By Robert Jordan (and after his death, By his Best Mate, Brandon Sanderson)

And it took a second reading from me before I actually understood the concept (I believe to the entirety in which was intended). It makes me believe that Daes Dae’mar or The Great Game was something the Author must have had in his mind for an extended period of time and inadvertently put it in the book (whether intentionally or as a story builder). Either way, it made its mark in me and suddenly I’m seeing it everywhere.

Everyone is playing it. Every single person has encountered it, either mistakenly or intentionally been used in it.

Correction: every ‘adult’ has encountered.

All those smartly built lies or half-truths or excuses that have been used to further an agenda, or an ultimate unknown goal. The betrayals, white lies, gossips that seem a bit too convenient when you choose to sit back and observe it properly.

It is a real concept (played by all who are privy to it. And stumbled upon on, by those who have been hurt by it)

It all seems vague now, but I guess I should utilise a few examples to explain, right?

Example 1
Boy and Girl used to go out in the past. Boy got caught cheating so girl left him. However, feelings still exist between girl & boy so a lot of mistakes and heartbreaks are caused between both parties. Now, Girl meets Boy’s best friend and develops feelings. She is therefore presented with a mental dilemma…

a) Girl pursues a relationship with best friend with the intention of making Ex-Boyfriend jealous… (Agenda 1)

b) Girl pursues a relationship with best friend with the intention of causing a rift between the boys… (Agenda 2)

c) Girl pursues a relationship with best friend out of true feelings… (A pure motive but still, Agenda 3?)

See what I mean? I listed 3 possible choices simply because I could only think of 3 possible agendas. But it is a game, isn’t it? To further whatever result the girl is gunning for. The same applies for guys. The game is not gender-based.

Example 2
Guy is always revising with mate but always gets a lower mark in test, exams and coursework. So he is obviously conflicted within. Mental dilemma

1) Sabotage mate by causing ‘Mate’ to stop working/revising, by constantly dragging to raves or parties or just plain ps3/xbox gaming

2) Plain old cheating. Get caught. Incriminate ‘mate’.

3) Bother Mate in other to ‘study’ better, inadvertently causing ‘Mate’ to not study for himself properly.

So he passes and his mate does not do as well. Agendas and agendas.

Most of all these are usually on the spot. But sometimes, it is carefully planned; the lie, the excuse and to some of the pros, the truth.

Now, it might seem like it is an inescapable ‘game’ of such, but that is not true. If anything, avoiding the game is easier than playing it. BUT! That would entail being both socially inept and anti-social… Which most people would probably shirk.

Ergo, most would choose to play it (accidentally or not).

One of my friends commented when I presented the concept to him…

“Is this all there is to life though? Cos it sounds grim…”

Another friend straight out asked…

“Are you playing it on me?”

I answered no. (Truthfully)

Please do understand, when I say it is not particularly a bad thing (as a friend of mine did tell me). To an extent, we are all using each-other. It even sometimes forms the basis of friendships and relationships. It can be even viewed as the foundation basis of friendships, a trade of intentions & agendas, if you may…

“I’ll be your friend because I hope to be able to tap into some of your ‘smartness’ to pass my exams… While you’ll be my friend so you can tap into my ‘finances’…”

Conclude it in your heart as you wish.

I can however say, that the best way to play it (if you are in the midst of it) is to be as honest and as truthful as you can be. For some reason, people get shocked and surprised when you tell the truth as opposed to telling a lie. So tell the truth, be honest…it throws everyone else off-guard. And if anything, as a bonus, you tend not to get the guilt from lying or scheming and such.

Okay.

I should apologise to whoever reads this. (No one does, but imagining I’m talking to people is safer in my head, I guess) but my long break from wordpress is not explainable. Life is handing me live grenades and I’m just getting blown back into the dirt. I don’t actually blame it. I’ve always known life was not made to be fair… It was made to test the limits of man, and it has been testing me a lot tbh. But I know the times will change for the better. So I’m toughing it out.

Nonetheless,
I am back for the forseeable future. Hopefully, I notify before I vanish again.