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2014

I. Ogunbase

Minutes away from the end of the year and I’m forced to reconcile with the fact that this year has been somewhat of a funny dud. It has been much better than 2012… heck, I think my last Friday was better than that whole year but that’s a different angle.

2014 has been a good year from a generalised perspective but it contained periods of absolute frustration. Such as now. I’m not going to delve into that. No point.
Nevertheless, this year did bring a lot of things to head. A lot of questions I had to ask myself and satisfy myself with an abundant lack of answers. There were, of course, ideas of what the answers might be but I believe I have been in denial.
On an interesting note, I did the Hollywood friend cycle this year… you know, the
Friend – Fr-enemy – Enemy – Ene-riend – Friend.
It was a weird experience, especially seeing as it happened over a course of 2-3 weeks.
I think I finally understand certain things about certain people and why they behave the way they are. And it has made me quite apathetic to a lot of things.
This year was the first year in my life where I stopped caring. I can now switch off and switch on. It used to hurt but now it’s a dull throb.
I guess in that aspect I can say I learnt a lot about myself too. Most of it was just a sad understanding of life and how much I need to do and grow. I did find out I have an issue with attachment… especially with the realisation that my older sister is now married and she has her own family. And that the days when we used to be three are now gone. We are two, and the second is about to take that journey too.
And then it will just be me. And that pains me… not because I’m not happy with the way their lives are progressing but because we are growing and the days when things were simpler will be gone soon enough.
And how the days of confiding with them might be at an end.
Especially when I found out they don’t know ‘me’ anymore.
I questioned myself whether I had changed into someone else in privacy or whether they just didn’t want to see me change and chose to look away. I don’t know. Just another question without an answer.
Upon reflection, they feel far away from me. And it’s feel like I can’t catch up.
I started work this year too. And found out how uncomfortable it could get just as quick when politics came into play and I’m suddenly thrust into the foray against someone who wasn’t just a colleague but also a friend. With everyone saying I leave said friend to the sharks and quietly hide to avoid detection.
That was hard for me.
I got friendzoned this year. Lol. That was something. But I guess it was deserved. She’s amazing and I probably didn’t deserve her in any case. So that was… an experience.
I began a story this year. I love the premise but work has shown me priority is something I need to work on. 12 chapters in and I feel myself slipping away again. It frustrates me how often I have to self motivate… but I have to because no one else will. So I keep trying. I might finish it in 2015.
Hopefully.
I have a better emotion management which makes me happy, to be completely honest. It was about time that happened. So yeah, good stuff. I am not who I used to be in 2013. Still debatable as to whether it’s a good change or a bad change.
God and I have not spoken properly this year. We left messages for each other instead… in some very interesting ways. I think a prayer, he’d leave a nugget of understanding as a reply. I imagine an outcome, he’d give me a foretelling. That kind of thing. But I need to talk to him. That much I know.
2014 has be something indeed. Next year will be different. As always. It has left me without a new year’s resolution but I have an idea of things to put into motion. I can feel my guts telling me truths I don’t wanna hear but are absolutely crucial.
I’m not sure if it’s gonna be a great year or a meh year but I think I’m better prepared for anything that might pop-up this coming year.
Either way, see you in the next.

 

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Growing Up

I. Ogunbase

It is Monday, 29th.

The sun has set and the sky has slowly gone dark. The night clouds come slowly into focus as the day begins the journey into the next. The cold hangs in the air as the temperature settles across the land. It maintains the semblance of winter and yet, it is not… A complimentary nod to mental dilemmas and identity crisis.

This has been coming on for awhile, beginning with the silent night of the day past as the house fell asleep. My mind woke up spoke to me regarding the things I had been trying to forget. Things I had carefully packaged and slotted into the 3″ by 6″ little rectangle box space present in the confines of my mental faculty. And it was in this Library of forgotten, suppressed thoughts the package sprung a leak, and the thoughts oozed out in its delicate manner. Subjected to the silent noise, I close my eyes and steady my breathing. The noise maintains it’s incoherence however, steadily growing in intensity and urgency that I retreat to bed for the night in hopes that when my head kisses my pillow, I could find some solace in dreams. I lay mistaken.

So I embrace it. I opened my arms like I was greeting a long lost love and embraced the mental chaos. And as i did, the incoherence begin to arrange themselves to coherent sentences. The statements revolve around me, enchanted in a dance that takes my feet and makes them move. So I dance along to the melancholy tunes and watch as realisation sits in it’s set throne.

I am growing up.

And it hurts.

GAMING, Thoughts

Destiny (Game)

I. Ogunbase

Alright, so with the game being so divisive, I figured I should write a post on the game, covering it’s pros and cons (and trying to see if I could counter the cons based on what I’ve played from the game).

 

First Off: I am going to assume everyone has read the base summary for Destiny because I am going to skim over it and give you an added set of information based on the grimoire cards I have amassed in the time I have been playing the game (about 1345 cards and counting)

 

Okay, Now…

Destiny’s story is…Shoddy. Not because it is necessarily a bad story, but Bungie did not fully explain how the story will play like, nor were the scripting for the conversations done properly enough to convey that there was a story to be following or to even be interested in. So yeah, shoddy. That said, The barebones of the story is basically a fight between Light and Darkness for the sake of humanity and all that we have left.

The story (and summary of the game) more or less left it as that, but by travelling around (and I think the speaker mentioned it, I’m not sure), the monsters we have been fighting are not the darkness.

Quite contrary.

The monsters (Vex, Fallen, Hive and Cabal) are actually just a race of aliens who have managed to capitalise on the attack of the Darkness and our subsequent loss. That’s why when our Ghosts talk about these races, he talks with a certain familiarity that implies we have met them before but with such familiarity that implies we lost against them. Ergo, I’m assuming that they are races that we most likely fought against to a stalemate and maintained certain borders against their races. Till the darkness attacked and screwed that up.

There is a Grimoire Card on the Darkness, and it doesn’t mentioned any of the monsters.

Destiny-Darkness

So far, we have only seen the beginning of the story. The darkness is coming, and we, Guardians, are getting ready to face it, firstly by driving out the monsters from our colonies, and getting better gear (and levels). And this makes me believe that the expansions coming might address the Darkness as an enemy properly.

 

Secondly, The loot system, I believe was built to be random by nature and by levels. Now, in this, I am totally assuming but based on the kind of loot I have received and their regularity, I can say that the higher the person’s level and the higher the mission level, the more likely that they never get a shoddy loot. Unless they are doing level 4 missions. And even then, it is still very random. And I think this was so that we would have to continuously grind.

Now, a lot of people have complained tirelessly about the grinding system of this game and I agree, sometimes it might feel tedious. But I have to admit, after a set of tedious matches/missions, and I’m knee deep in dregs and fallen, teleporting over the place and I see a blue engram or purple engram, the joy I feel motivates me to play better because suddenly, I have something more to fight for. It’s cheap, cheesy and cliched, but seriously, I love that feeling. If for every high mission, we got legendary / exotic gear, then this game would tank faster than we actually have speculated. I mean, if people can hit level 20 in one day, how much longer will it take them to get bored when they can get legendary gear easily.By level 25, they’d be OP and the game begins to take a nose-dive.

The loot system can be tweaked (you can comment below on how so) but as it is, I don’t think it’s bad. Personally, I’d say it’s reasonably balanced.

Thirdly, Combat and gameplay. Destiny has given me the most enjoyable FPS/MMO experience this year, and this is me including Battlefield and Warframe and the rest. The combat feels well handled, and no matter how much beasty i can be at crucible or on strike missions, the gameplay is such as to keep you on edge because I know how easily it can be for me to get taken out by my enemies. The monsters feel overpowered (especially PvE and those yellow-life bastard renditions of each enemy) but it made me start thinking about what to do, how to fight, when to hide, how to flank, when to use grenades or specials, or best yet, what weapon works best against what enemies.

It took me a full ammo set of auto rifles before I figured out how useless they are against a Level 22 Septik Prime and the damage was miniscule. It took me a full clip of Fusion rifles to bring it’s life to the edge before a teammate finished it off. Took a sniper in the Black Garden against the revived statues for me to accept that my auto-rifle is nothing more than a weapon against foot soldiers because Bosses will shrug it off easily. I learnt, I adapted, I got better.

This is why I think the combat is good. The enemies are hard for a reason. So that we stop playing like it’s a basic fps ‘run and gun’ strategy but more tactical. And I BELIEVE this is why the fireteam was meant to play in 3s. It didn’t make sense at first, but the number fits the type of Guardians; a titan, a hunter, a warlock. I have played in a fireteam with each person being one of each and I have to say we were efficient. Our move sets worked together as that small unit (This is my personal opinion btw)

 

To conclude, I am not saying that Destiny is not without faults, I mean, off the top of my head;

– Better matchmaking will be nice.
– More missions would have been appreciated (or better yet, less missions but longer objectives/ playthroughs with checkpoints to save our progress)
– Guardian hubs on the planet, hidden by mission completion (especially after end-game. I mean we have driven back some of our foes… I feel it is only right that the planet show some changes to it.)
– More crucible modes
– Survival type crucible mode with 6+ strike team, holding off waves and waves of vex/cabal/hive/fallen
– A more coherent story as opposed to surfing grimoire cards (fun, but only when done at one’s downtime)
– More freedom, space wise. It would be cool if we could fly our spaceships to planets.
–  –  – Or better yet, ability to have races with the Sparrow on planets.

And a few more that you guys have.

But right out of the package, I believe the game is immensely fun and addictive, and while it is infinitely better with people to play with, it offers a real sense of awe to sometimes tackle the planets solo.

This is just my take on Destiny guys.

PS: If you don’t want to buy it. Find a friend who can lend it to you for a day or so… then play it with an open mind. You can make your own judgement after that.

PPS: Don’t judge the game by Halo or Borderlands. While those two games are great, it’s a tad unfair to compare them with a new IP that is trying to combine a lot of good stuff into one and make it better.

Coping System, Emotion, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Empty Experience

I. Ogunbase

I’ve reached a stage in life that I can’t fully explain in words because it doesn’t fully make sense to me. A lot of random stupid variables popping up in this equation in my head that’s making the maths a tad more difficult that I hoped it would be.

Once again I’m lost because it doesn’t make sense.

Life never does.

I’m in a place where I’m relatively happy. Got a job which means I have an income which implies I can afford to save and spend on what I want/need. It also means some leeway with the ‘rents (apparently) and as such, some freedom is allowed. I think.

But then I’ve figured that I don’t like 9-5 jobs. Because they are usually tedious no matter how interesting it seems. Its an office with amazing colleagues but I find myself more bored than I can handle. Conformity. Can’t work with my headphones on so I have to adjust to company standards and my mind can’t take it. So it shuts off.

I get home and I’ve got chores and whatever. My parents and I always ending up at odds with each other. They’d probably say I’m petulant while I’d probably say they are not understanding enough.

No rights. All wrong.

I also found out that my nights became more lonely. And more busy. A cocktail of both. Monday nights and Tuesday nights were usually mine to enjoy. Wednesday and Thursday are spent at church. Friday is a coin toss.

And it’s still a lonely feeling. I’m still not connected to reality. Almost feels like everyone is having an engaging, enjoyable social experience while I’m just observing it all. So it gets lonely. I spend more times looking at my phone than actually responding to people from it.

Found out that the people I want to talk with get fewer with each day. I honestly would prefer one and that one to be the One but all the potential ones are not so I’m just there.

Friends forget you till they need you. After which they forget you once your relevance is expended. They’d invite you to support their event or Facebook page or ask for some monetary assistance and yet they can’t even reply your “hey” with a “hi”.

So off the radar.

It’s been a while since I’ve ranted and there are reasons for that.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from life anymore.

Life seems to be going great but… It just feels like an empty experience.

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*Pauses for breath*

I. Ogunbase

I think I am finally understanding the reason as to why ‘Men’ do the chasing, and not ‘Women’…

…from between the ages of 22+.

(DISCLAIMER: I am also led to believe that Women from 28+ begin to initiate the chasing because of body clock, but don’t take my word for it… I am a guy)

 

I stumbled across this personal truth close to a year after my 22, when I suddenly had the emotional pull which explained to me that we needed a ‘one’. The constant contact to which my body and soul and mind would rather converse with or be with than the multitude of friends I am socially supposed to believe are still…well…friends with me.

I went through nights of loneliness. Profound because suddenly, normal conversations just weren’t enough any more.

I couldn’t stand it.

I can’t stand it.

And I still feel it. With each day, the pull gets a little bit stronger. The nights get a little bit quieter, even as I have begun to spend days staring at my phone and finding discovering that the person I want to talk with is not actually talking to me.

It is weird… growing up.

Random, Thoughts

*types in a rush because of the time*

I. Ogunbase

With great power comes great responsibility.

With great position comes great responsibility.

With position comes responsibility.

With responsibility comes trust.

 

I had to grow up and become the head of a department in Church to really and truly grasp the understanding of responsibility and trust… To fully understand that I got to where I was not only because I was hard-working but also because my leaders saw something in me that made them to trust me with that position.

 

The same position I was scared to enter. The boots felt too big and I felt inadequate.

 

Months on and I still feel inadequate. With pressure increasing around me, I found myself in a position of power and yes, for a while, I was afraid of it. I had moved from working in the background to being the figurehead of those who work in the background. The face that faces the audience while my team work in the background to ensure that the work is done.

 

It was weird. It is weird.

 

But I entered it. I’m trying to own it. I’m aiming to bring a level of perfection, through the wonderful team of outstanding humans that have chosen of their own accord to trust me to lead them, to the audience and other departments who depend on us. Because I want to succeed. Not as a person, but as a department.

As a promise to those to raised me up there, that their trust was not baseless.

 

And with a new working class job under my belt, I feel the call of responsibility once again.

 

God is my only witness, when I say responsibility scares me.

But I only pray that I perform as they trust me to.

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*Sighs to self*

I. Ogunbase

Lol

I honestly didn’t expect to return back here for another couple weeks/couple months. Not because I didn’t have anything to write about but more because I didn’t think what I had to write about was worth writing.

Nonetheless, I am here now.

That is something.
–

I don’t like arguing.

“Argue – To engage in a quarrel; dispute.”
                                                                       -freedictionary.com

I find it an annoying thing, especially when it is over something/someone/etc I deem irrelevant. I mean, I am all for standing your ground for what you believe in, but as far as I am concerned, it should not always end in an argument with opinion-heads clashing in a violent battle of “I am right”.

No one is right.

We are just fortunately permitted to be able to access free-will and come to terms with what we ‘like’, ‘believe’ and whatever generally floats our boat.

So back to base. I don’t like arguing.

There was a time back when I would end up getting in argument with the other party taking offence something that I said and I would spend the next couple hours, apologising and grovelling because I valued their friendship and the thought of having to lose that bothered me a lot. It usually felt like I was losing a ‘loved one’ to something akin to death. So I would usually spice my sentences up with a lot of “I’m sorry” and “I didn’t mean it” and “I’m really sorry”… You get the idea.

It continued on till I got reprimanded by a friend who sorta  drilled a few things into me…

  • Never say sorry for something you’re not sorry for. 
  • Stand your ground.

I found it hard to live by it. If I argued and someone else felt wronged by my opinions, wasn’t it my duty to apologise for offending them and causing them to get angry? wasn’t it my duty to try and get back to neutral ground, regretting my actions and voicing my opinions? So I thought.

A couple months of revelations, betrayal, daes-dae’mar, and the down-right ‘shittyness’ of life, my dim eyes suddenly open a bit clearer. Maturity has painted me a new picture and the attention to artful detail is pretty much 4K. Somehow, the draw of adulthood is to make everything seem different. Everything changes. Relationships between friends suddenly feel more like a game of chess, surveying and tactically planning the next move, the next words, the next actions.

Anyway…

I don’t like arguing.
But lately, I find myself getting pulled into some arguments and when in previous times, I attempted to shy away from such in order to avoid the unavoidable curse of endless apologies and sorry’s, now I face the arguments head on with a hard heart and a steel mind. I have to say; I feel cold. Things are said, emotions are hurt, and both parties are walking away angry and prone to make some bad decisions. I walk-out feeling empty. Clockwork innards.

I don’t like arguing…but I don’t care any more.

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In View of All Things…

I. Ogunbase

…I begin with the attempt to keep my boredom away. Any longer and my drooping eyelids would have lost the fight against drowsiness and I would have been lost to the tides of the dream world. I wish to digress but I have to honestly agree on the fact that I honestly do want to sleep.
 
But not just any sleep.
 
More of the kind of sleep that allows one to temporarily log out of life and forget all the worries and annoyances that occur on a day-to-day basis. Emotions high and low, expectations fluctuating like the beep-beep heartbeat of the hospitalised patient. I am tired. And I would love to sleep.
 
That said, I digress.
 
In the view of all things, it is my new belief that hardwork is not a skill one masters for the sake of entering into a cv for the brownie points it might offer to the applicant, or the word spoken to sweeten the ears of the employer. Hard work is not trying to appear like one is always working, never sleeping and generally in the act of ‘kissing-ass’ as some of my peers would call.
 
I have come to believe that Hard Work is a lifestyle one must cultivate the moment they begin any form of work, be it in an educational setting or a hobby or even in a work place. I believe Hard work embodies everything a successful person should be, should want to be, at all points in time, at all time given.
 
To be able to fully devote their ‘selves’ (in the metaphysical) sense into everything they decide to do in the time space they decide to do it.
 
It is honestly the only way to get ahead…

Emotion, Thoughts

Everything is weird at this point in time…

I. Ogunbase

…

And I mean everything.

Quick note: Today started out quite wonderful, if I must say. Quick phone call from a potential employer (company) and cheap price for the driving theory test that should have been done about 2 weeks-ish ago. So all in all, it is safe to see why I assumed why today would be magnificently amazing. /n

I am currently placed in Apathy.

Apathy in all things relationship wise (which pertains both friendship and the dating and the ‘love’, etc.). So the whole making friends, or keeping friends, or falling for someone, or falling for someone, or confessing feelings… all that seems oblivious to me at the moment. In the words of Count Dracula from the 2004 film ‘Van Helsing’

“I am hollow…”

Quite literally, to be frank with you.

Now, I’m not trying to put a negative aura on myself or make it seem like it is something I’m struggling with because it’s not. If anything, I just believe I’m in a transition state. An occurring metamorphosis, if you may. But to what? I knoweth not. I think I always knew it was going to come, after some of the things I had to put up with (relationship-wise), but I can honestly say that I wasn’t expecting Apathy to be the neutral ground on which I’d be placed on.

And as a result…

I don’t understand the idea of having feelings any more.