Category: Emotion

Emotion, Life

Yearning for Attention

I. Ogunbase

Everybody yearns for attention.

I believe the Human race as a whole is fixated on it. I believe it is the driving force, the motivation behind the bulk of our actions…

To be appreciated.
To be respected.
To be held in high esteem.
To be loved.

This is not a bad thing, by any measure.

So the bulk of us, spend the most of our lives searching for this, special attention that has been in our hearts and mind for such a long time, that it is the only thing we know. Some of us try and find all of it in different places; Love from the significant other, Respect and appreciation from work, Esteem from the community and audience at large… Others try and get it all from one person, or two, or best yet, a small group of people.

The ones they call “Theirs”.

After all, attention is really just attention.

As a result of this, you get the humans who have been lucky enough to be expressive in their beings; extroverts who aren’t afraid to be ‘loud’ in every aspects of their being just to fulfill their want for attention. Then you have us… Introverts who would also like some of this attention that everyone is getting but are too ‘awkward’ or ‘weird’ or ‘quiet’ or ‘etc’, that we can’t be loud.

So, we instead try to show it with our actions. We work the ‘graveyard’ shift just so that we might be noticed and that someone, somewhere would give us some attention.
That someone, somewhere will respect us.
That someone, somewhere will love us.

And when we get this…this, special attention, we give it back in full force. We try and repay what we get with all we’ve got because they’ve made us feel so special, that it is only right we do the same… right?

As a result, we don’t limit ourselves. We do everything deeply.

And sometimes, that ends up hurting us too much, even when to everyone else, it shouldn’t.

Sometimes.

Emotion, Life, Pain, Thoughts

The End of something…

I. Ogunbase

This little corner of the internet is dear to me.

It is where I can deposit some of my feelings and temporary store them in a place, giving me the chance to at least, attempt to sleep peacefully. Sometimes, it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I have a secret (non-disclosure until further notice) that I have carried for a long while. I’ve managed to share that with few people but the bulk of it rested on my shoulder and I carried it. I hoped I could shoulder it long enough to plan towards the reveal to my ‘twin’ but fate moved ahead and determined it got revealed.

I’d say prematurely, but I’m years too late to claim that in court.

The short version is, I made a mistake and willingly put a skeleton in my closet.

The skeleton’s out now though, and it won’t fit in the closet anymore.

And normal life, as I know it, ends here…

I’ve been advised to prepare for the aftermath. And I don’t know how to do just that.

[proceeds to publish and close web browser]

Coping System, Emotion, Poem

That which is unexpected / Truth cycle

I. Ogunbase

The week started great.

Better than expected actually. Work progressed much better as things were being done well before deadlines and all those extra stuff.

Then came the first missed call.

And the obvious expected callback which resulted in listening to the robot tell me to leave a message and try again at a different time. A voicemail, I believe was the idea.

Then came the second missed call.

And this time, it came with a voicemail.

I perform the much needed callback almost instantly.

She answers.

And then the conversation occurs. 10 minutes later, I’m back at my desk, clutching the edges of my table, wondering exactly how this managed to happen. I tell myself to calm down. I can feel my heart beat steady. Slow. Heavily.

Mental faculty goes quiet. It can’t articulate properly anymore. Questions get dropped into the silent space, but the neurones avoid the virus. My mouth goes numb, my eyes get sharper. I remain in full alert. My face falls back into default. A fake smile creeps on my lips and I let it stay.

“I will ride the wave till the end.”

I hear the words echo in my skull, reverbrating in the ’empty’ shell.

“…till the end.”

—————————————–

Officially, I get an oral thumbs.

Unofficially, I get a written mark down.

Which is the truth? which is the lie?

I question the dissent. I question the difference.

I find confusion at the crossroad.

I see dilemma in the options.

Do I trust one? Do I trust the other?

Which is the issue?

What is the solution?

Mental strength burdened by the responsibility.

Apathy clears the nonsense.

Apathy creates a new plan.

“Say BS to that which is BS,

Close your heart to those who have wronged you.

Let them know they’ve lost you.

Let them know they’ve hurt you.

Let them know you don’t actually care anymore.”

Heart listens with an open ear.

Gladdened by that which might be right.

Till mind empties the room.

The silence presents a solace.

But then the cycle begins again.

Which is the truth? which is the lie?

I question the dissent. I question the difference.

I find confusion at the crossroad.

I see dilemma in the options.

Do I trust one? Do I trust the other?

Which is the issue?

What is the solution?

Emotion, Thoughts

Matters of the heart…

I. Ogunbase

I’ve never been open in regards to how deeply I feel, or what exactly I feel on an average day.

Somehow, I learnt from early on to keep such things to myself. Not to say, I am shy in revealing how I feel or telling the truth of what emotions I run through, I’ve always held in check. At some point growing up, after entering boarding school, I learnt to not divulge information needlessly. I will like to believe this was born that.

Nonetheless, that’s all story.

I’m currently confused.

Matters of the heart and what not.

As it turns out, I do like [redacted]. I also like [redacted]. But now, I’m at a point where I don’t think I can keep going everyday without being sure as to who I’m willing to risk asking again. Their relative presence and proximity to me makes my day. They don’t even have to say much.

They are very different and yet, similar in the way they approach situations and the drive that pushes them. They are also currently similar in the way they make me feel.

There are little tell tale signs as to which I should probably confess to. Little clues as to who could possibly be the better bet to lean on. However, at the very same time, there are reasons why they both possibly would not be all so great choices for me.

So I don’t know.

I’m not sure when I will know.

I do know it will make for an interesting day though. When my heart chooses to speak and I keep quiet and watch it serenade the right person I’m supposed to be with, as planned by God. I know, for a strong fact, it is going to ridiculously cheesy.

But I think it would be fun.

… now to prepare for the ‘date’ on friday/saturday *sighs*

Coping System, Emotion

*

I. Ogunbase

It began from the music.

Spotify speaking as the subwoofer next to my bedframe interpreted it’s words to me. So I awake.

After four hours of an on and off sleep, I awake back into darkness. The sun had set over the horizon, even as the skies return to reflecting and filtering the colour from space. Space blue with variable degrees of dark and light, that one can’t help but marvel at the wonder. The clouds hanging in the sky, moving as the wind wills it across the heavens.

I feel my hand push past my body and reach blindly for my blackberry. It takes a few tried but eventually, my hand embraces the warm leather casing sheltering my communication tool.

My eyes open.

It takes a few seconds to focus.

The time read 20:42. It would appear my mind was right in its estimation. I feel my legs swing off the bed and touch the carpeted ground. I don’t remember registering the temperature.

I dropped my phone as my hands moved to autopilot. One wiping the sleep off my face as the other moved to hold my computer’s mouse.

I stopped. I returned to my phone.

No messages.

A deep feeling sinks in. My mind went quiet. I dropped a pin in hope of a response but the pin drop was louder than I expected. I touched my heart. It thumped slowly. Steadily. Heavily.

I worried about it so I question it.

– what is wrong?

• we are alone

– not really… we have (sister) downstairs as well as the parents. Not discounting the sister in Sheffield and your little nephew…

• you know what I mean, owner. We have no one.

I felt myself being shut out.

– what about (redacted)? Or (redacted)?

I felt my heart groan in pain. He’s right. It’s not like I talk to them much anymore. Assuming we talk to them at all. Maybe he’s right.

Just to be sure though, I pick up the phone back with both hands and fire up two messages. I hit send and await the replies.

Coping System, Emotion, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Empty Experience

I. Ogunbase

I’ve reached a stage in life that I can’t fully explain in words because it doesn’t fully make sense to me. A lot of random stupid variables popping up in this equation in my head that’s making the maths a tad more difficult that I hoped it would be.

Once again I’m lost because it doesn’t make sense.

Life never does.

I’m in a place where I’m relatively happy. Got a job which means I have an income which implies I can afford to save and spend on what I want/need. It also means some leeway with the ‘rents (apparently) and as such, some freedom is allowed. I think.

But then I’ve figured that I don’t like 9-5 jobs. Because they are usually tedious no matter how interesting it seems. Its an office with amazing colleagues but I find myself more bored than I can handle. Conformity. Can’t work with my headphones on so I have to adjust to company standards and my mind can’t take it. So it shuts off.

I get home and I’ve got chores and whatever. My parents and I always ending up at odds with each other. They’d probably say I’m petulant while I’d probably say they are not understanding enough.

No rights. All wrong.

I also found out that my nights became more lonely. And more busy. A cocktail of both. Monday nights and Tuesday nights were usually mine to enjoy. Wednesday and Thursday are spent at church. Friday is a coin toss.

And it’s still a lonely feeling. I’m still not connected to reality. Almost feels like everyone is having an engaging, enjoyable social experience while I’m just observing it all. So it gets lonely. I spend more times looking at my phone than actually responding to people from it.

Found out that the people I want to talk with get fewer with each day. I honestly would prefer one and that one to be the One but all the potential ones are not so I’m just there.

Friends forget you till they need you. After which they forget you once your relevance is expended. They’d invite you to support their event or Facebook page or ask for some monetary assistance and yet they can’t even reply your “hey” with a “hi”.

So off the radar.

It’s been a while since I’ve ranted and there are reasons for that.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from life anymore.

Life seems to be going great but… It just feels like an empty experience.

Emotion, Thoughts

Everything is weird at this point in time…

I. Ogunbase

…

And I mean everything.

Quick note: Today started out quite wonderful, if I must say. Quick phone call from a potential employer (company) and cheap price for the driving theory test that should have been done about 2 weeks-ish ago. So all in all, it is safe to see why I assumed why today would be magnificently amazing. /n

I am currently placed in Apathy.

Apathy in all things relationship wise (which pertains both friendship and the dating and the ‘love’, etc.). So the whole making friends, or keeping friends, or falling for someone, or falling for someone, or confessing feelings… all that seems oblivious to me at the moment. In the words of Count Dracula from the 2004 film ‘Van Helsing’

“I am hollow…”

Quite literally, to be frank with you.

Now, I’m not trying to put a negative aura on myself or make it seem like it is something I’m struggling with because it’s not. If anything, I just believe I’m in a transition state. An occurring metamorphosis, if you may. But to what? I knoweth not. I think I always knew it was going to come, after some of the things I had to put up with (relationship-wise), but I can honestly say that I wasn’t expecting Apathy to be the neutral ground on which I’d be placed on.

And as a result…

I don’t understand the idea of having feelings any more.

Emotion, Thoughts

[****OLD Post****]

I. Ogunbase

I feel like I’m going crazy.

Well, that’s not particularly right, now, is it? I feel like I am losing it… Every single time we I get hurt, or let down or frustrated, I try and suppress the feeling. Looking back on my life, it just occurred to me my sisters were right… I did miss out on being a kid/teenager. And I didn’t even notice it. Because, it seems that then, I had other things on my mind as opposed to going through the rebellious teenager phase most of my counterparts have traversed. So I suppressed it. Every time I get angry, I walk away and suppress it. Every time I get frustrated, I grit my teeth and tend to hold it in. Every mistake, every hurtful insult, every let-down, everything suppressed…

And now I’m at the point where, whenever I go through a similar emotion, before I get a chance to suppress, it all comes rushing out in my mind… Suddenly, I’m recalling similar accounts of previous acts that occurred somewhere in my past and I’m reeling in pain and mental distress.

I am supposed to deal with it right?

I keep trying to think of ‘how’ to deal with it and how to sort out the emotions in a more effective way and nothing is coming up.

Emotion, Poem, Response, Thoughts

Lost Pages: Grey

I. Ogunbase

Blots of black on white,
Or white on black,
Mixed by the twirl of the brush
Blurred by the smudges of my finger across paper…
Grey…
Conceptually painted by the murky in-between of reality & imaginary,
Unsure as to whether real’s unreal,
Or whether unreal’s real…
Not good, not bad,
Just moving towards ugly
Not even being funny,
But neutrality seems to be my calling,
—
Pacifistic mentality,
Willingly, Un-becoming,
Paid the lukewarm band-camp membership fee
Cos I was too hot to be cold,
Too cold to be hot,
So as to get spat out,
When one goes to drink…
—
Grey
Like
Light mixing with darkness,
In a dance of abstract colours,
So we twirl, twist & turn,
Like the yin-yang symbolism
Unwilling to let go,
Fear of choosing a side, perhaps?
Fooled to think both sides are ‘equally’ good, perhaps?
Unaware of the possible outcome,
Like closing one’s eyes to the implication of grey clouds up in the sky…

In the end,
There lies just rain, chills, thunder & lightning.