Breathe often.
Breath deep.
It’s going to be alright.
Just remember to breathe
It’s going to be alright.
Category: Emotion
The End of something…
This little corner of the internet is dear to me.
It is where I can deposit some of my feelings and temporary store them in a place, giving me the chance to at least, attempt to sleep peacefully. Sometimes, it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I have a secret (non-disclosure until further notice) that I have carried for a long while. I’ve managed to share that with few people but the bulk of it rested on my shoulder and I carried it. I hoped I could shoulder it long enough to plan towards the reveal to my ‘twin’ but fate moved ahead and determined it got revealed.
I’d say prematurely, but I’m years too late to claim that in court.
The short version is, I made a mistake and willingly put a skeleton in my closet.
The skeleton’s out now though, and it won’t fit in the closet anymore.
And normal life, as I know it, ends here…
I’ve been advised to prepare for the aftermath. And I don’t know how to do just that.
[proceeds to publish and close web browser]
That which is unexpected / Truth cycle
The week started great.
Better than expected actually. Work progressed much better as things were being done well before deadlines and all those extra stuff.
Then came the first missed call.
And the obvious expected callback which resulted in listening to the robot tell me to leave a message and try again at a different time. A voicemail, I believe was the idea.
Then came the second missed call.
And this time, it came with a voicemail.
I perform the much needed callback almost instantly.
She answers.
And then the conversation occurs. 10 minutes later, I’m back at my desk, clutching the edges of my table, wondering exactly how this managed to happen. I tell myself to calm down. I can feel my heart beat steady. Slow. Heavily.
Mental faculty goes quiet. It can’t articulate properly anymore. Questions get dropped into the silent space, but the neurones avoid the virus. My mouth goes numb, my eyes get sharper. I remain in full alert. My face falls back into default. A fake smile creeps on my lips and I let it stay.
“I will ride the wave till the end.”
I hear the words echo in my skull, reverbrating in the ’empty’ shell.
“…till the end.”
—————————————–
Officially, I get an oral thumbs.
Unofficially, I get a written mark down.
Which is the truth? which is the lie?
I question the dissent. I question the difference.
I find confusion at the crossroad.
I see dilemma in the options.
Do I trust one? Do I trust the other?
Which is the issue?
What is the solution?
Mental strength burdened by the responsibility.
Apathy clears the nonsense.
Apathy creates a new plan.
“Say BS to that which is BS,
Close your heart to those who have wronged you.
Let them know they’ve lost you.
Let them know they’ve hurt you.
Let them know you don’t actually care anymore.”
Heart listens with an open ear.
Gladdened by that which might be right.
Till mind empties the room.
The silence presents a solace.
But then the cycle begins again.
Which is the truth? which is the lie?
I question the dissent. I question the difference.
I find confusion at the crossroad.
I see dilemma in the options.
Do I trust one? Do I trust the other?
Which is the issue?
What is the solution?
Matters of the heart…
I’ve never been open in regards to how deeply I feel, or what exactly I feel on an average day.
Somehow, I learnt from early on to keep such things to myself. Not to say, I am shy in revealing how I feel or telling the truth of what emotions I run through, I’ve always held in check. At some point growing up, after entering boarding school, I learnt to not divulge information needlessly. I will like to believe this was born that.
Nonetheless, that’s all story.
I’m currently confused.
Matters of the heart and what not.
As it turns out, I do like [redacted]. I also like [redacted]. But now, I’m at a point where I don’t think I can keep going everyday without being sure as to who I’m willing to risk asking again. Their relative presence and proximity to me makes my day. They don’t even have to say much.
They are very different and yet, similar in the way they approach situations and the drive that pushes them. They are also currently similar in the way they make me feel.
There are little tell tale signs as to which I should probably confess to. Little clues as to who could possibly be the better bet to lean on. However, at the very same time, there are reasons why they both possibly would not be all so great choices for me.
So I don’t know.
I’m not sure when I will know.
I do know it will make for an interesting day though. When my heart chooses to speak and I keep quiet and watch it serenade the right person I’m supposed to be with, as planned by God. I know, for a strong fact, it is going to ridiculously cheesy.
But I think it would be fun.
… now to prepare for the ‘date’ on friday/saturday *sighs*
*
It began from the music.
Spotify speaking as the subwoofer next to my bedframe interpreted it’s words to me. So I awake.
After four hours of an on and off sleep, I awake back into darkness. The sun had set over the horizon, even as the skies return to reflecting and filtering the colour from space. Space blue with variable degrees of dark and light, that one can’t help but marvel at the wonder. The clouds hanging in the sky, moving as the wind wills it across the heavens.
I feel my hand push past my body and reach blindly for my blackberry. It takes a few tried but eventually, my hand embraces the warm leather casing sheltering my communication tool.
My eyes open.
It takes a few seconds to focus.
The time read 20:42. It would appear my mind was right in its estimation. I feel my legs swing off the bed and touch the carpeted ground. I don’t remember registering the temperature.
I dropped my phone as my hands moved to autopilot. One wiping the sleep off my face as the other moved to hold my computer’s mouse.
I stopped. I returned to my phone.
No messages.
A deep feeling sinks in. My mind went quiet. I dropped a pin in hope of a response but the pin drop was louder than I expected. I touched my heart. It thumped slowly. Steadily. Heavily.
I worried about it so I question it.
– what is wrong?
• we are alone
– not really… we have (sister) downstairs as well as the parents. Not discounting the sister in Sheffield and your little nephew…
• you know what I mean, owner. We have no one.
I felt myself being shut out.
– what about (redacted)? Or (redacted)?
I felt my heart groan in pain. He’s right. It’s not like I talk to them much anymore. Assuming we talk to them at all. Maybe he’s right.
Just to be sure though, I pick up the phone back with both hands and fire up two messages. I hit send and await the replies.
Empty Experience
I’ve reached a stage in life that I can’t fully explain in words because it doesn’t fully make sense to me. A lot of random stupid variables popping up in this equation in my head that’s making the maths a tad more difficult that I hoped it would be.
Once again I’m lost because it doesn’t make sense.
Life never does.
I’m in a place where I’m relatively happy. Got a job which means I have an income which implies I can afford to save and spend on what I want/need. It also means some leeway with the ‘rents (apparently) and as such, some freedom is allowed. I think.
But then I’ve figured that I don’t like 9-5 jobs. Because they are usually tedious no matter how interesting it seems. Its an office with amazing colleagues but I find myself more bored than I can handle. Conformity. Can’t work with my headphones on so I have to adjust to company standards and my mind can’t take it. So it shuts off.
I get home and I’ve got chores and whatever. My parents and I always ending up at odds with each other. They’d probably say I’m petulant while I’d probably say they are not understanding enough.
No rights. All wrong.
I also found out that my nights became more lonely. And more busy. A cocktail of both. Monday nights and Tuesday nights were usually mine to enjoy. Wednesday and Thursday are spent at church. Friday is a coin toss.
And it’s still a lonely feeling. I’m still not connected to reality. Almost feels like everyone is having an engaging, enjoyable social experience while I’m just observing it all. So it gets lonely. I spend more times looking at my phone than actually responding to people from it.
Found out that the people I want to talk with get fewer with each day. I honestly would prefer one and that one to be the One but all the potential ones are not so I’m just there.
Friends forget you till they need you. After which they forget you once your relevance is expended. They’d invite you to support their event or Facebook page or ask for some monetary assistance and yet they can’t even reply your “hey” with a “hi”.
So off the radar.
It’s been a while since I’ve ranted and there are reasons for that.
I don’t know what I’m expecting from life anymore.
Life seems to be going great but… It just feels like an empty experience.
Everything is weird at this point in time…
…
And I mean everything.
Quick note: Today started out quite wonderful, if I must say. Quick phone call from a potential employer (company) and cheap price for the driving theory test that should have been done about 2 weeks-ish ago. So all in all, it is safe to see why I assumed why today would be magnificently amazing. /n
I am currently placed in Apathy.
Apathy in all things relationship wise (which pertains both friendship and the dating and the ‘love’, etc.). So the whole making friends, or keeping friends, or falling for someone, or falling for someone, or confessing feelings… all that seems oblivious to me at the moment. In the words of Count Dracula from the 2004 film ‘Van Helsing’
“I am hollow…”
Quite literally, to be frank with you.
Now, I’m not trying to put a negative aura on myself or make it seem like it is something I’m struggling with because it’s not. If anything, I just believe I’m in a transition state. An occurring metamorphosis, if you may. But to what? I knoweth not. I think I always knew it was going to come, after some of the things I had to put up with (relationship-wise), but I can honestly say that I wasn’t expecting Apathy to be the neutral ground on which I’d be placed on.
And as a result…
I don’t understand the idea of having feelings any more.
[****OLD Post****]
I feel like I’m going crazy.
Well, that’s not particularly right, now, is it? I feel like I am losing it… Every single time we I get hurt, or let down or frustrated, I try and suppress the feeling. Looking back on my life, it just occurred to me my sisters were right… I did miss out on being a kid/teenager. And I didn’t even notice it. Because, it seems that then, I had other things on my mind as opposed to going through the rebellious teenager phase most of my counterparts have traversed. So I suppressed it. Every time I get angry, I walk away and suppress it. Every time I get frustrated, I grit my teeth and tend to hold it in. Every mistake, every hurtful insult, every let-down, everything suppressed…
And now I’m at the point where, whenever I go through a similar emotion, before I get a chance to suppress, it all comes rushing out in my mind… Suddenly, I’m recalling similar accounts of previous acts that occurred somewhere in my past and I’m reeling in pain and mental distress.
I am supposed to deal with it right?
I keep trying to think of ‘how’ to deal with it and how to sort out the emotions in a more effective way and nothing is coming up.
Lost Pages: Grey
Blots of black on white,
Or white on black,
Mixed by the twirl of the brush
Blurred by the smudges of my finger across paper…
Grey…
Conceptually painted by the murky in-between of reality & imaginary,
Unsure as to whether real’s unreal,
Or whether unreal’s real…
Not good, not bad,
Just moving towards ugly
Not even being funny,
But neutrality seems to be my calling,
—
Pacifistic mentality,
Willingly, Un-becoming,
Paid the lukewarm band-camp membership fee
Cos I was too hot to be cold,
Too cold to be hot,
So as to get spat out,
When one goes to drink…
—
Grey
Like
Light mixing with darkness,
In a dance of abstract colours,
So we twirl, twist & turn,
Like the yin-yang symbolism
Unwilling to let go,
Fear of choosing a side, perhaps?
Fooled to think both sides are ‘equally’ good, perhaps?
Unaware of the possible outcome,
Like closing one’s eyes to the implication of grey clouds up in the sky…
In the end,
There lies just rain, chills, thunder & lightning.
Just Another Frustrated Somebody
Not exactly sure what I’m writing on but I figure as I go on, it will eventually be clear to me…hopefully. You see, these past few days I’ve brought a certain familiar emotion/thought to my attention, one that I had been avoiding for a long time now and dare I say, I am not in the least pleased to re-visit it again…
Frustration sucks. <—- This I have always known…
…except for the fact that now, I can see it apparent in almost everyone I look at. I figure because I’m so attuned to it, that it has become quite easy for me to notice it in others and yes people, we all seem to have it. Some have learnt to ignore it and get on with life, others have unwillingly succumbed to its poisonous whispers. Trust me, I understand this. Frustration and I go a long way back… Heck, it was even present at graduation. Match-made in heaven? I doubt, but hey, love is blind, right (?)
#SarcasmIntended
So yeah, Frustration (yes, hyper-linked to a poem I wrote a few months back and posted on my Tumblr blog) seems to show a lot among adults, or rather, the adults I tend to see here and there. It seems to be so heavy among the adult-folk that it affects actions, emotions, thoughts, etc. And its understandable when you view it from the perspective of one in the same shoes… You see, everyone has a dream, might be small, might be big but a dream is a dream nonetheless, and as you grow, you will inevitably meet a resistance to the dream. And the resistance will always come in different forms. Some will appear through finances, some through job availability, some through chances and some through the non-belief that you can make it (this one sounds small but come on, think about it, do you have any idea how hard it is to try and be somebody when no one else believes you can make it? Not saying you can’t but I’m saying its crazily difficult)
In my case, my frustration is both aimed at self (for not doing as well as I could have in university) and just in general due to the fact that I don’t have a job yet, which means I can’t put my plans into motion yet, which means my dream just gets a bit harder to reach or visualise.
What am I getting at here? Frustration is invariably an emotional response we have to deal with at some point in life but I guess the real and true question is “How do we deal with frustration?”
In my case, being on the path of Christianity and all, the ‘obvious’ choice would be to “Let Go & Let God” which sounds like an easy concept. Sounds like, does not mean it is. So I keep trying to do that and I know one day I’ll get good at it. But at the moment, its hard and I’m trying but I can’t seem to do it yet.
Another advice would be to keep pushing on regardless of whatever stands in your way… *shrugs* Manning Up as some would say.
“Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success” – Bo Bennett
“Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment.” – Dale Carnegie
“It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail.” – Lech Walesa
That’s all I got really. (PS: I think I know what I’m going to name the post now)
That being said,
How do YOU deal with your frustration? (comment if you want to share and don’t mind)
later.
Shadowyugi
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