Category: Thoughts

Thoughts

These Last Couple Days…

I. Ogunbase

…it would appear I’ve been swinging to the extremes. I’m either suddenly very talkative, or I hug the cottage house pillow and retreat into myself like a snail. As it turns out, it’s not particularly due to any other reason than me trying to dwell retrospectively on my numerous actions.

Every now and then, I find myself thinking about all the things I’ve done, or planned to do, or accomplished, or messed up, or succeeded at. And every now and then, I find myself wishing I could speak to a younger version of myself.

It’s not even to impact wisdom or anything like that. My message to him would have been, would have always been me telling him it’s okay.

That it’s okay to not be prepared.

That it is okay to be scared.

That it is okay to fall for someone even if the feelings are ‘one-way’.

That it is okay to care, especially when it feels like no one seems to give a damn.

That it is okay to show how you really feel when things seem to be spiraling out of control.

That its okay to not know what comes next. To Let God do what he does best.

But most importantly, that he’s not alone. That he’s got friends who love him, family who cherish his presence and how different life would be if he could look higher, much higher past the clouds that he’s been staring at.

It’s going to be okay, because I’m okay.

So smile 🙂

Thoughts

Suddenly

I. Ogunbase

I am not quite sure on how to begin.

I have been thinking of how I’d be able to fully express the feelings and emotions I am slugging through, but I haven’t quite found the expressions or words to articulate those particular emotions.

But thoughts, thoughts I have aplenty. Thoughts I can give.

As life would have it, I have begun what would probably be final next week Tuesday, the path to relocation. London is currently roughly 2 hours away by train, as I stay snug in the remote area of Knutsford, enjoying the beautiful sights of just green grasses and snow.

From a peaceful standpoint, it is excellent. Apart from that? I don’t know. I still don’t know.

I had assumed that 2 nights in the lovely little cottage house at the top of the hill would have assisted in helping me formulate how I ‘felt’ about the place, but I’m still torn in that particular dilemma. I love/hate it.

Work has moved me up North to join the regular snow sighters. And after waking up this morning to a cold atmosphere and snow in it’s purest form, I can quite safely say I am not prepared for the Temperature change…yet.

However, it is far more than that. For the first time since I carried my suitcase to Sussex, excited on how much I was going to enjoy University life, I find myself carrying my suitcase to a part of the world I haven’t lived in before.

This time however, it isn’t excitement. It is anxiety. Back then, I was barely an adult, embarking on the journey to adulthood and ‘freedom’. Now, I’m very much into adulthood and while freedom was craved, it was planned to be when I felt ready.

I got thrust into it.

Sudden, and unprepared, I’ve started the daunting journey of being on my own.

Don’t misunderstand. This is what I’ve always wanted; to move out of the parent’s house and start preparing to be on my own till, I find the ‘Mrs’ and then “1+1=1” the life equation.

I am just not fond of sudden changes. I’m on a shaky agreement with normal changes as it is. Suddenness freaks me out.

Let me not even get into the “Maybe this is your calling…” aspect of things.

Might have an anxiety issue and start eating my surface 3.

 

Nonetheless, “One step at a time.”

Thoughts

Something New

I. Ogunbase

I don’t have a title yet.

But as per tradition, I will probably get one towards the end of whatever I’m writing down.

We are quite literally a stone throw away from March and already, I feel like I’ve experienced a lot of things this year already. Most of it is a re-affirmation of knowledge already gathered, and others are sort of like a lesson in wisdom (whether it be giving or getting).

In other words, some lessons are relatively basic, while the others haven’t been ‘basic’, to simplify.

I have been writing poetry since secondary school, when I was put given the task of reading some old English poetry and reviewing as part of my coursework. While initially, adverse to the idea of reading weirdly written sentences and words, I eventually figured it all out. It was just an expression of self, regardless of what was written.

So I started writing. Expressing myself in words because, as life would have it, it is currently the only way I can deal with my thoughts, emotions, feelings and myself. As it turns out, I have to, sometimes, write to myself to understand myself because, for some reason I am yet to figure out, my literary articulation, is much better than spoken words.

Thinking about it, it could be why I find spoken word weird for me, even though is a perfectly viable/interesting/confident method of giving people a view of the things one has written.

Nonetheless, I’m diverting. I wrote a couple of poetry last year, that I’m planning to release as a collection this year. I had hoped to do it earlier, but now I think i’m going to work to ensure that my idea for how I want it to look comes into fruition.

And part of the plan of that is to stop myself talk about it, and just working on it instead.

So I figure, I’d put up one more write-up regarding it, sort of as a public action plan, and then complete it in private before the next time, you hear me speak about it.

 

And this is it.

I can’t wait to share it to you, to be completely honest. And I hope you all enjoy it when it comes out.

Sleepy time, Thoughts

Hello.

I. Ogunbase

Happy New Year, Folks.

I began this year wonderfully. New plans and goals and everything. So it’s been a great start to the year. Hope it has been alright for you guys too.

Anyway, just wanted to do a quick post.

10 days after the new year, it would appear I’ve hit my first lull of the year, and while it wasn’t brought on by anything in particular, it did spurn the following piece.

It doesn’t make that much sense to me yet, but I’m gonna share it 🙂

Here it is:

“Serenity sets in like a drop of liquid onto a still pond. The first touch, and then ripples, then stillness. 

There is rest. There is peace.

Till I hear my name called out by my Father, and the stillness gets interrupted. While accidental in his waking up of me, my body’s systems haven’t quite balanced out yet, so emotional landscape is in pieces.

I await the calm.

Nonetheless, my mind casts it’s net forth into the recesses of my thoughts for a distraction, a break from the current reality that had begun to seem mundane and came up short.

Too little a bait, or maybe too large a thought-pool.

I await the calm.

The raging thoughts of my mind continue on, spurned on my emotional lightning. Yet still, my face bears no trace of what I feel. I worry sometimes, that I can’t properly show what I feel, but then I get reminded how untrue that is.

Still.

I await the calm.“

Life, Thoughts

Is it okay? / Rhetorics

I. Ogunbase

Every now and then, humans get a burden. Sometimes it’s taken willingly, other times its forced upon you.

And as life would have it, this is where the human gets to make a choice; to share the burden or keep it to themselves. A lot of things comes into play here as a lot of emotions and situational awareness gets latched to he reasoning as to why a person would choose either decision.

And out of all of this, there is something called fear and doubt. Brothers who work hand in hand to cripple the minds and hearts of those they descend upon.

Life gets dark, and slightly claustrophobic as one ducks behind corners, carrying their own personal mountains.

It attacks the reasoning and the peace of mind as mental decisions become impaired from the stress of shouldering a heavy burden. Focus becomes weak. Motivation begins to laze about.

Is it okay though? To hold all this pain to self as one seems to watch their own personal world go up in a slow burning flame?

Life, Random, Thoughts

Monday’s Random Thoughtometry

I. Ogunbase

The mind is a blank space.

Initially devoid of activity, as one is birthed into the world. Chaos as life is given to the newborn, the mindspace loses it’s blank innocence and gets subjected to the turmoil of numerous emotions and thoughts.

The product of love’s intimate passion suddenly feeling what it means to be alive. So it learns as it gets given an orientation. Male or female, the mind space takes shape. It changes as the body changes.

It learns as the body learns.

It grows as the body grows.

And down the line, the once blank space is filled and painted with experiences of years past. There is knowledge on the wall as the body that once knew nothing now knows something.

Not quite good, not quite bad, but then again, morality lies at the feet of the person in question.

—

I don’t know why I wrote the above bit.

I just felt like it, to be completely honest with you.

As someone who spends the bulk of time talking to themselves *points to self*, the above is an example of the random things I think about.

On a grander scale, it helps put things into perspective as to how humanity might be of the same species, but our likes and dislikes and wants and needs and experience make each and every one of us completely and utterly unique.

And yet in this uniqueness, the evolution theory will demand I put it down to the probability of chance and the result of two massive elements colliding together in an unnatural force of nature that eventually led to our births, millions of years after the earth decided to cool down and become a planet, instead of retaining its gaseous nature.

The likelihood of life, the calculations pertaining to the presumed ‘perfect’ nature of earth as to which to create life.

There are many things about us as humans and about the world we live in that we don’t know about.

I am of the personal belief that we are not meant to, the same way I am of the personal belief that there are some things we are better off not knowing.

The calculations for a nuke, for instance.

That is one knowledge I wish us, as a race, could forget.

Anyway, to summarise this random excursion into my mind;

– Each and every single one of us is unique and special, as there is no other us, than us.

– This world, the creation of it, is too perfect to be the produce of a random event, predating any recorded knowledge and resting on a theory.

– There are some things about us and this world that are still mysterious, some questions left unanswered, and my personal belief that we are not meant to know certain things.

– Personal opinion that there are some things best left as a mystery.

Life, Thoughts

Slow, slower, slowest.

I. Ogunbase

This year has been something of a wildcard for me, and even I must admit, while it has propelled me forward in the things of which I care about, it has also shown me just how much consequence can leak out from mistake, and better yet, just how much risk an action might hold.

Fun stuff.

in its own way.

And that is really just down to outlook on things.

I have learnt something new and important this year though. Very important. I mean, while it has been said before by certain wise people, this particular lesson holds no weight till it is actually put in practice.

And that lesson, is learning to “Take things slow”

I feel like that’s a universal life rule.

It has to be done properly, however, else it is a waste of your time and effort and the effect is of no use.

So here are my guidelines based on where I am at in life and what I’ve learnt so far (You can always add and subtract as life guides you on your journey):

– Take things slow when making decisions. You never know how far into the future you reap the full gains/consequence of whatever you’ve decided. It is perfectly okay to take your time to make your choice, as it is one of the rights we have as humans; to make a choice.

– Take things slow with things regarding relationships. You’re asking for someone’s heart (metaphrically speaking. Anyone who literally takes your heart is a murderer… You should call the police on the… oh. you’d be dead. Oops). You should be able to understand if they are cautious. At the same time, take things slow before even asking. Assure yourself its not a fleeting feeling you feel.

– Take things slow when answering people. Once words are spoken, they can’t be taken back. Don’t speak in haste. Take your time when saying things. Words can cause quite a lot of damage, even if it is not physical.

All in all, careful judgement is crucial, especially when one becomes an adult. It builds what becomes the foundation of your legacy.

Anyway, I think I’m done on that front. There is only so much heavy thinking one should have at any point in time and I think I have reached my daily quota… or at least, that’s the official story I’m going to hope my mind sticks to.

Emotion, Life, Thoughts

In Too Deep

I. Ogunbase

I fell in too deep.

I… I think for the first time in my life, actually no, second time in my…. my bad, I meant third time in my life where I’ve gone off the cliff, took a dive and hoped for a good enough splash to make some sense.

I think I fell in too deep.

Part of me wants to say I didn’t see it coming or how it was completely by surprise, but it wasn’t. It was going to be this way. I was going to take the leap of faith and somehow hope for the best. The confidence was usually based on some sort of feedback.

Right… too vague.

I fell for [redacted], and decided to confess, whilst battling something akin to a storm in my life. I figured then would be the best time to say it. You know, get it out of the way before other things come and take some sort of priority. Figured, at least, I’d have something potentially great going. The feeling was mutual.

But.

I don’t know why I assumed I’d be capable to deal with the “but…”, especially when I had fallen too deep into it. Everything past this point becomes speculation and heart politics, both of which I’m ill-equipped to deal with… until my instincts kick in.

I promised I’d wait for as long as my heart will let me.

But, I worry.

Emotion, Life, Pain, Thoughts

The End of something…

I. Ogunbase

This little corner of the internet is dear to me.

It is where I can deposit some of my feelings and temporary store them in a place, giving me the chance to at least, attempt to sleep peacefully. Sometimes, it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I have a secret (non-disclosure until further notice) that I have carried for a long while. I’ve managed to share that with few people but the bulk of it rested on my shoulder and I carried it. I hoped I could shoulder it long enough to plan towards the reveal to my ‘twin’ but fate moved ahead and determined it got revealed.

I’d say prematurely, but I’m years too late to claim that in court.

The short version is, I made a mistake and willingly put a skeleton in my closet.

The skeleton’s out now though, and it won’t fit in the closet anymore.

And normal life, as I know it, ends here…

I’ve been advised to prepare for the aftermath. And I don’t know how to do just that.

[proceeds to publish and close web browser]