Category: Thoughts

Emotion, Thoughts

Matters of the heart…

I. Ogunbase

I’ve never been open in regards to how deeply I feel, or what exactly I feel on an average day.

Somehow, I learnt from early on to keep such things to myself. Not to say, I am shy in revealing how I feel or telling the truth of what emotions I run through, I’ve always held in check. At some point growing up, after entering boarding school, I learnt to not divulge information needlessly. I will like to believe this was born that.

Nonetheless, that’s all story.

I’m currently confused.

Matters of the heart and what not.

As it turns out, I do like [redacted]. I also like [redacted]. But now, I’m at a point where I don’t think I can keep going everyday without being sure as to who I’m willing to risk asking again. Their relative presence and proximity to me makes my day. They don’t even have to say much.

They are very different and yet, similar in the way they approach situations and the drive that pushes them. They are also currently similar in the way they make me feel.

There are little tell tale signs as to which I should probably confess to. Little clues as to who could possibly be the better bet to lean on. However, at the very same time, there are reasons why they both possibly would not be all so great choices for me.

So I don’t know.

I’m not sure when I will know.

I do know it will make for an interesting day though. When my heart chooses to speak and I keep quiet and watch it serenade the right person I’m supposed to be with, as planned by God. I know, for a strong fact, it is going to ridiculously cheesy.

But I think it would be fun.

… now to prepare for the ‘date’ on friday/saturday *sighs*

GAMING, Thoughts

Destiny (Game)

I. Ogunbase

Alright, so with the game being so divisive, I figured I should write a post on the game, covering it’s pros and cons (and trying to see if I could counter the cons based on what I’ve played from the game).

 

First Off: I am going to assume everyone has read the base summary for Destiny because I am going to skim over it and give you an added set of information based on the grimoire cards I have amassed in the time I have been playing the game (about 1345 cards and counting)

 

Okay, Now…

Destiny’s story is…Shoddy. Not because it is necessarily a bad story, but Bungie did not fully explain how the story will play like, nor were the scripting for the conversations done properly enough to convey that there was a story to be following or to even be interested in. So yeah, shoddy. That said, The barebones of the story is basically a fight between Light and Darkness for the sake of humanity and all that we have left.

The story (and summary of the game) more or less left it as that, but by travelling around (and I think the speaker mentioned it, I’m not sure), the monsters we have been fighting are not the darkness.

Quite contrary.

The monsters (Vex, Fallen, Hive and Cabal) are actually just a race of aliens who have managed to capitalise on the attack of the Darkness and our subsequent loss. That’s why when our Ghosts talk about these races, he talks with a certain familiarity that implies we have met them before but with such familiarity that implies we lost against them. Ergo, I’m assuming that they are races that we most likely fought against to a stalemate and maintained certain borders against their races. Till the darkness attacked and screwed that up.

There is a Grimoire Card on the Darkness, and it doesn’t mentioned any of the monsters.

Destiny-Darkness

So far, we have only seen the beginning of the story. The darkness is coming, and we, Guardians, are getting ready to face it, firstly by driving out the monsters from our colonies, and getting better gear (and levels). And this makes me believe that the expansions coming might address the Darkness as an enemy properly.

 

Secondly, The loot system, I believe was built to be random by nature and by levels. Now, in this, I am totally assuming but based on the kind of loot I have received and their regularity, I can say that the higher the person’s level and the higher the mission level, the more likely that they never get a shoddy loot. Unless they are doing level 4 missions. And even then, it is still very random. And I think this was so that we would have to continuously grind.

Now, a lot of people have complained tirelessly about the grinding system of this game and I agree, sometimes it might feel tedious. But I have to admit, after a set of tedious matches/missions, and I’m knee deep in dregs and fallen, teleporting over the place and I see a blue engram or purple engram, the joy I feel motivates me to play better because suddenly, I have something more to fight for. It’s cheap, cheesy and cliched, but seriously, I love that feeling. If for every high mission, we got legendary / exotic gear, then this game would tank faster than we actually have speculated. I mean, if people can hit level 20 in one day, how much longer will it take them to get bored when they can get legendary gear easily.By level 25, they’d be OP and the game begins to take a nose-dive.

The loot system can be tweaked (you can comment below on how so) but as it is, I don’t think it’s bad. Personally, I’d say it’s reasonably balanced.

Thirdly, Combat and gameplay. Destiny has given me the most enjoyable FPS/MMO experience this year, and this is me including Battlefield and Warframe and the rest. The combat feels well handled, and no matter how much beasty i can be at crucible or on strike missions, the gameplay is such as to keep you on edge because I know how easily it can be for me to get taken out by my enemies. The monsters feel overpowered (especially PvE and those yellow-life bastard renditions of each enemy) but it made me start thinking about what to do, how to fight, when to hide, how to flank, when to use grenades or specials, or best yet, what weapon works best against what enemies.

It took me a full ammo set of auto rifles before I figured out how useless they are against a Level 22 Septik Prime and the damage was miniscule. It took me a full clip of Fusion rifles to bring it’s life to the edge before a teammate finished it off. Took a sniper in the Black Garden against the revived statues for me to accept that my auto-rifle is nothing more than a weapon against foot soldiers because Bosses will shrug it off easily. I learnt, I adapted, I got better.

This is why I think the combat is good. The enemies are hard for a reason. So that we stop playing like it’s a basic fps ‘run and gun’ strategy but more tactical. And I BELIEVE this is why the fireteam was meant to play in 3s. It didn’t make sense at first, but the number fits the type of Guardians; a titan, a hunter, a warlock. I have played in a fireteam with each person being one of each and I have to say we were efficient. Our move sets worked together as that small unit (This is my personal opinion btw)

 

To conclude, I am not saying that Destiny is not without faults, I mean, off the top of my head;

– Better matchmaking will be nice.
– More missions would have been appreciated (or better yet, less missions but longer objectives/ playthroughs with checkpoints to save our progress)
– Guardian hubs on the planet, hidden by mission completion (especially after end-game. I mean we have driven back some of our foes… I feel it is only right that the planet show some changes to it.)
– More crucible modes
– Survival type crucible mode with 6+ strike team, holding off waves and waves of vex/cabal/hive/fallen
– A more coherent story as opposed to surfing grimoire cards (fun, but only when done at one’s downtime)
– More freedom, space wise. It would be cool if we could fly our spaceships to planets.
–  –  – Or better yet, ability to have races with the Sparrow on planets.

And a few more that you guys have.

But right out of the package, I believe the game is immensely fun and addictive, and while it is infinitely better with people to play with, it offers a real sense of awe to sometimes tackle the planets solo.

This is just my take on Destiny guys.

PS: If you don’t want to buy it. Find a friend who can lend it to you for a day or so… then play it with an open mind. You can make your own judgement after that.

PPS: Don’t judge the game by Halo or Borderlands. While those two games are great, it’s a tad unfair to compare them with a new IP that is trying to combine a lot of good stuff into one and make it better.

Coping System, Emotion, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Empty Experience

I. Ogunbase

I’ve reached a stage in life that I can’t fully explain in words because it doesn’t fully make sense to me. A lot of random stupid variables popping up in this equation in my head that’s making the maths a tad more difficult that I hoped it would be.

Once again I’m lost because it doesn’t make sense.

Life never does.

I’m in a place where I’m relatively happy. Got a job which means I have an income which implies I can afford to save and spend on what I want/need. It also means some leeway with the ‘rents (apparently) and as such, some freedom is allowed. I think.

But then I’ve figured that I don’t like 9-5 jobs. Because they are usually tedious no matter how interesting it seems. Its an office with amazing colleagues but I find myself more bored than I can handle. Conformity. Can’t work with my headphones on so I have to adjust to company standards and my mind can’t take it. So it shuts off.

I get home and I’ve got chores and whatever. My parents and I always ending up at odds with each other. They’d probably say I’m petulant while I’d probably say they are not understanding enough.

No rights. All wrong.

I also found out that my nights became more lonely. And more busy. A cocktail of both. Monday nights and Tuesday nights were usually mine to enjoy. Wednesday and Thursday are spent at church. Friday is a coin toss.

And it’s still a lonely feeling. I’m still not connected to reality. Almost feels like everyone is having an engaging, enjoyable social experience while I’m just observing it all. So it gets lonely. I spend more times looking at my phone than actually responding to people from it.

Found out that the people I want to talk with get fewer with each day. I honestly would prefer one and that one to be the One but all the potential ones are not so I’m just there.

Friends forget you till they need you. After which they forget you once your relevance is expended. They’d invite you to support their event or Facebook page or ask for some monetary assistance and yet they can’t even reply your “hey” with a “hi”.

So off the radar.

It’s been a while since I’ve ranted and there are reasons for that.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from life anymore.

Life seems to be going great but… It just feels like an empty experience.

Random, Thoughts

*types in a rush because of the time*

I. Ogunbase

With great power comes great responsibility.

With great position comes great responsibility.

With position comes responsibility.

With responsibility comes trust.

 

I had to grow up and become the head of a department in Church to really and truly grasp the understanding of responsibility and trust… To fully understand that I got to where I was not only because I was hard-working but also because my leaders saw something in me that made them to trust me with that position.

 

The same position I was scared to enter. The boots felt too big and I felt inadequate.

 

Months on and I still feel inadequate. With pressure increasing around me, I found myself in a position of power and yes, for a while, I was afraid of it. I had moved from working in the background to being the figurehead of those who work in the background. The face that faces the audience while my team work in the background to ensure that the work is done.

 

It was weird. It is weird.

 

But I entered it. I’m trying to own it. I’m aiming to bring a level of perfection, through the wonderful team of outstanding humans that have chosen of their own accord to trust me to lead them, to the audience and other departments who depend on us. Because I want to succeed. Not as a person, but as a department.

As a promise to those to raised me up there, that their trust was not baseless.

 

And with a new working class job under my belt, I feel the call of responsibility once again.

 

God is my only witness, when I say responsibility scares me.

But I only pray that I perform as they trust me to.

Emotion, Thoughts

Everything is weird at this point in time…

I. Ogunbase

…

And I mean everything.

Quick note: Today started out quite wonderful, if I must say. Quick phone call from a potential employer (company) and cheap price for the driving theory test that should have been done about 2 weeks-ish ago. So all in all, it is safe to see why I assumed why today would be magnificently amazing. /n

I am currently placed in Apathy.

Apathy in all things relationship wise (which pertains both friendship and the dating and the ‘love’, etc.). So the whole making friends, or keeping friends, or falling for someone, or falling for someone, or confessing feelings… all that seems oblivious to me at the moment. In the words of Count Dracula from the 2004 film ‘Van Helsing’

“I am hollow…”

Quite literally, to be frank with you.

Now, I’m not trying to put a negative aura on myself or make it seem like it is something I’m struggling with because it’s not. If anything, I just believe I’m in a transition state. An occurring metamorphosis, if you may. But to what? I knoweth not. I think I always knew it was going to come, after some of the things I had to put up with (relationship-wise), but I can honestly say that I wasn’t expecting Apathy to be the neutral ground on which I’d be placed on.

And as a result…

I don’t understand the idea of having feelings any more.

Emotion, Thoughts

[****OLD Post****]

I. Ogunbase

I feel like I’m going crazy.

Well, that’s not particularly right, now, is it? I feel like I am losing it… Every single time we I get hurt, or let down or frustrated, I try and suppress the feeling. Looking back on my life, it just occurred to me my sisters were right… I did miss out on being a kid/teenager. And I didn’t even notice it. Because, it seems that then, I had other things on my mind as opposed to going through the rebellious teenager phase most of my counterparts have traversed. So I suppressed it. Every time I get angry, I walk away and suppress it. Every time I get frustrated, I grit my teeth and tend to hold it in. Every mistake, every hurtful insult, every let-down, everything suppressed…

And now I’m at the point where, whenever I go through a similar emotion, before I get a chance to suppress, it all comes rushing out in my mind… Suddenly, I’m recalling similar accounts of previous acts that occurred somewhere in my past and I’m reeling in pain and mental distress.

I am supposed to deal with it right?

I keep trying to think of ‘how’ to deal with it and how to sort out the emotions in a more effective way and nothing is coming up.

Coping System, Thoughts, Time

Spring!

I. Ogunbase

The vision for spring this year was different to what I had originally imagined. First there is the issue of UK’s tumultuous weather (who can’t seem to decide correctly what it should be doing for spring time) and then we have the general outlook of everything else; Baroness Thatcher’s passing away, North Korea’s ego issue (they are honestly threatening war, when all signs are pointing to their loss) and other everyday news, I guess…

That being said, that’s not the purpose of this post; that was just background setting.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today… you know, the side in which you wake up with memories and emotions you ‘sorta’ thought had been resolved and had long since gone by now, but turns out, they were just on holiday. So you get up, attempt to go on with your day’s routine but for some reason, the memories (and emotions) are interfering with your mood, and hence, interfering with the way you go about your day. So here I am, writing to sort it out (Again) and hope that it honestly goes.

I have really never been one to dwell on bad things when they occur. I tend to give as much as I feel is needed on the issue before then moving on and changing into a more positive outlook on life. Which usually tends to work but it has occurred to me, that it is becoming harder as I mature, somewhat. And its not like it is anything new, it is still the same old stuff… (+ a one or two new additions)

so you know;

  • Job (soon come, eventually)
  • Finances (tied to the first one)
  • Losing friends (which I have to start getting used to)
  • Frustration (comes and goes, depending on the day)
  • Misunderstandings
  • Getting taken for granted

Same. Old.

New addition though, turns out I might be losing my Bestie. Not as in, losing her friendship, more like drifting away from her… So basically like from Best friends, back down to Close Friends, then Good friends and then just Friends…

At this point in time, I’d say she’s in the ‘Close Friend’ stage… that is how I feel, based on the sporadic & disjointed interactions and conversations I have with her lately. And with the way my life is slowly progressing, there is the thought that I might not find anyone who would be that close to me any more.

Which in all honesty sucks; seeing as she is sort of my confidant and my advisor on certain instances.

But life trudges on, right?

tumblr_mdp229IndA1qa3tu4o1_r2_500

Random, Thoughts

Random

I. Ogunbase

I was having a deep conversation with a friend a while back and half-way through the conversation, I conclude (to an extent) that we are all (to an extent) damaged. We all have our skeletons in numerous closets, some of which will come to light, others of which will remain hidden till death do-eth pass.

And it was a shocker, I guess, having to accept that just as I might not be perfect, I’m not alone in being imperfect. We all have our secrets, our mistakes, our sins, our vices & our experiences. Most of us have perfected hiding it all within plain sight; making it seem cool and branding ‘swag’ but in reality, it is something we actually don’t want and would like to change. We are all carrying our burden, no matter how small or big. Just as we are all prone to the same mistakes or excuses or lies… or truths, or growths or experiences or responsibility. We are all unique. And at the very same time, we are all the same.

As I said, shocker.

And as a result, a memory comes to mind, from something I read a while back too…

“There are 6 billion people on the Earth. All of their psychological states, tendencies, and personalities are so vastly different, which means that there are 6 billion psychological states, tendencies, and personalities.”

“…All Humans are unique.”

“In truth, that is just 6 billion ways of expressing a person.”

“All humans are the same.”

There is some truth there.

Thoughts, Time

C’est la vie

I. Ogunbase

It is the new year.

And already, I am mighty impressed with how it is going. Looking through some of my drafts on this blog and I’m suddenly astonished at how mindsets and outlook can change in days. Some weeks ago, I was going through a craziness in my life. I mean, I was practically ranting about how crap a year 2012 was.

It was a bad year. I learnt a lot. I grew. I matured. Nevertheless, it was a bad year for me.

ANYWHO!

This year began different. Something had to be done to rectify last year’s damage on my mind and heart and I set out to begin on that journey. And no, I don’t actually have a new year’s resolution for the year. I just have a simple mindset.

“Work”

  • Hobbies
  • Study
  • Job-Hunting
  • Life goals
  • e.t.c.

It isn’t meant to be easy to do BUT it has to be done. It had to be done. Figured it was one of the most important cog in my current life so it would be best to do something about it. And that was just an expect. I’ve got quite a few things planned for the year, but oddly enough, this is probably the first time I have ever felt at peace with just taking things day by day.

I guess what I’m driving at is the mentality. Someone once pointed out an obvious ‘duh’ fact that each day possesses 24 hours. 8 of which is usually maximised for sleeping. this basically leaves an average of 16 hours each day to make a difference to our lives. And I’m finally getting the urgency to make each day count. Completely.

16 hours is enough time to make your future infinitely better, (especially if we were to view it as the beginning of an exponential growth). 16 hours to invest into your future.

21 years down the line and I’m suddenly re-teaching myself.

Random, Thoughts
I. Ogunbase

I have been meaning to write this out for a long while but I just did not get to it. The general excuse to be given would be that I have been busy… lol… I’m unemployed. I have way too much time on my hand to not be able to sit down and write out this experience of mine which sparked a thought-stream in my head for a few weeks (even till now).

Some weeks back, early December by my count, I got given an interview for a job I applied for. At this point in time, I felt like I understood what the job details meant but boy, was I mistaken. I mean, looking back now, I could probably have guessed what the job description meant but desperation can give false hope (hope and desperation… might write on that later on in life). ANYWHO, as I was saying, interview. The interview itself went well, about 10-15 mins of my life in which I ‘thought’ I had understood the basics of the job presented. I was going to be involved in marketing and outsourcing for clients and so on. And based on that Monday’s (?) interview, if they liked me, I would get called back to the 2nd stage the next day.

I got a call-back (^_^ )

And then made my way there again in the morning feeling like a potential working class citizen. The 2nd stage entailed me shadowing one of their workers as He showed me what the Interviewer (who was the owner btw) meant by outsourcing…which I then found out was actually Field Marketing.

Now Field marketing is an area of work I will avoid based on my personality. It varies based on what is required for one to do on that day. Nonetheless, it generally involves being sent out to a city/town/neighbourhood to market whatever the client wants to market… And as such, generally involves knocking on doors and trying to get people (who are often rude) to listen to your pitch and etc.

I am not the kind of person to be able to take so many “No’s” and “Fuck-offs” in one day. I am only human and I know my mental limits before it actually begins to affect me.

Anywho, I did shadow this guy and watched him work his magic and he was good at it. Amazingly enough, he was also training a new recruit in the art of marketing and on the breaks that we got, we spoke about dreams and aspirations and so on. And I was physically impressed.

Most of us then to have dreams and dream big but very few of us actually have a work plan… and by work plan, I mean, a roughly more detailed plan of what should happen, where, when and how to get there. The rest of us tend to use a very summarised version of a work plan…

education > work > money > dreams.

which I guess is not bad, but what I’m getting to here is that, its not bad to dream, but we should at the very least, have some sort of proper work plan, shouldn’t we?