Posts

Sleepy time, Thoughts

Hello.

I. Ogunbase

Happy New Year, Folks.

I began this year wonderfully. New plans and goals and everything. So it’s been a great start to the year. Hope it has been alright for you guys too.

Anyway, just wanted to do a quick post.

10 days after the new year, it would appear I’ve hit my first lull of the year, and while it wasn’t brought on by anything in particular, it did spurn the following piece.

It doesn’t make that much sense to me yet, but I’m gonna share it 🙂

Here it is:

“Serenity sets in like a drop of liquid onto a still pond. The first touch, and then ripples, then stillness. 

There is rest. There is peace.

Till I hear my name called out by my Father, and the stillness gets interrupted. While accidental in his waking up of me, my body’s systems haven’t quite balanced out yet, so emotional landscape is in pieces.

I await the calm.

Nonetheless, my mind casts it’s net forth into the recesses of my thoughts for a distraction, a break from the current reality that had begun to seem mundane and came up short.

Too little a bait, or maybe too large a thought-pool.

I await the calm.

The raging thoughts of my mind continue on, spurned on my emotional lightning. Yet still, my face bears no trace of what I feel. I worry sometimes, that I can’t properly show what I feel, but then I get reminded how untrue that is.

Still.

I await the calm.“

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Ode to 2015

I. Ogunbase

This year is going anytime now.

At least, that’s mostly what the world is pondering on right now, as they use the remaining minutes to enjoy the remainder of 2015 in their own special way.

Some are clubbing, others are on the London Bridge, overlooking the ‘Eye, with a bottle in their hands and their phone on camera standby. And then you get the rest like I, dancing, praising and praying our way into the new year.

So yeah, I’m in church.

I would have done this at home, but that’s a story that can be forgotten with the passing of 2015. Nonetheless, as the year ends, it’s only right (As per usual), that I summarise myself as to the occurrences of this year past.

In short form, 2015 has been brilliant.

On a longer note, 2015 has not been perfect. I have fallen quite a few times this year in ways I did not expect. I’ve tripped over broken hearts, expectations and at a point, cowering from the skeleton that escaped my closet. But as life will have it, it turns out I have a ghostbusting family, fully equipped to drop some madness on my personal demons.

the_real_ghostbusters_by_kwikshaw-d52tmnq(picture’s from Google, people)

I don’t think I could ever thank them enough, but God sees my heart (as messed up as it is).

I love those guys.

Back on topic, 2015 taught me a few things I plan on putting into practice in 2016. A few basic things and a few important things I will list out in a bit. It is worth mentioning that these things are based on me and are for me, but if at any point in time, you feel they might apply to you, then sure :-), we can share in the lessons… but here they are:

– A smaller friend circle is a safe and healthy decision. It keeps your business out of a lot of random mouths and actually decreases the likelihood of nonsense advices.

– Friends come and go, just like seasons. There are friends for the season, and there are friends who have been placed in your life. Sometimes (I feel), we try and blur the lines sometimes and treat the temporary ones like they are family. And as such, when they exit our life, we find this gaping hole. It’s okay to let them go.

– Fear is useless and rather deadly. See the ‘R.A.E.F’ post on this. It is okay to admit you’re afraid of a situation. You’d be surprised how amazing people can be when you share what frightens you so.

– Feel ‘lightly’. This one, I believe is immensely personal. I probably will write about it in depth later on in 2016.

– The first monumental progress towards achieving a dream is in taking the first step towards said dream. Dreams remain just that, a dream, until you take the first metaphorical step towards it, after which it becomes part of your reality. And that, dear friends, is wondrous.

That’s basically it, to be honest. Everything else is personal goals, and plans for the year.

Nevertheless, to concluded on what I began with. 2015 has been brilliant, and it has made me hopeful for 2016.

I can almost feel it already. And it feels awesome.

See you guys in 2016.

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Poetry – You & I

I. Ogunbase

I once thought I could save those close to me.
Protect them from the hurt I saw coming.

Shield them from pain,
and help them carry their burdens.

I was young then.

I was naive too.

I never could do any of the above,
And I apologise for being inadequate.

There’s one thing I can promise you though.

You’re not alone.
You’ve always got me by your side.
Through thick, thin,
and all kinds of hurdles that life might hurl towards you.

So.

You can drop the mirror now.

Let’s go face the world together.

Life, Thoughts

Is it okay? / Rhetorics

I. Ogunbase

Every now and then, humans get a burden. Sometimes it’s taken willingly, other times its forced upon you.

And as life would have it, this is where the human gets to make a choice; to share the burden or keep it to themselves. A lot of things comes into play here as a lot of emotions and situational awareness gets latched to he reasoning as to why a person would choose either decision.

And out of all of this, there is something called fear and doubt. Brothers who work hand in hand to cripple the minds and hearts of those they descend upon.

Life gets dark, and slightly claustrophobic as one ducks behind corners, carrying their own personal mountains.

It attacks the reasoning and the peace of mind as mental decisions become impaired from the stress of shouldering a heavy burden. Focus becomes weak. Motivation begins to laze about.

Is it okay though? To hold all this pain to self as one seems to watch their own personal world go up in a slow burning flame?

Life, Random, Thoughts

Monday’s Random Thoughtometry

I. Ogunbase

The mind is a blank space.

Initially devoid of activity, as one is birthed into the world. Chaos as life is given to the newborn, the mindspace loses it’s blank innocence and gets subjected to the turmoil of numerous emotions and thoughts.

The product of love’s intimate passion suddenly feeling what it means to be alive. So it learns as it gets given an orientation. Male or female, the mind space takes shape. It changes as the body changes.

It learns as the body learns.

It grows as the body grows.

And down the line, the once blank space is filled and painted with experiences of years past. There is knowledge on the wall as the body that once knew nothing now knows something.

Not quite good, not quite bad, but then again, morality lies at the feet of the person in question.

—

I don’t know why I wrote the above bit.

I just felt like it, to be completely honest with you.

As someone who spends the bulk of time talking to themselves *points to self*, the above is an example of the random things I think about.

On a grander scale, it helps put things into perspective as to how humanity might be of the same species, but our likes and dislikes and wants and needs and experience make each and every one of us completely and utterly unique.

And yet in this uniqueness, the evolution theory will demand I put it down to the probability of chance and the result of two massive elements colliding together in an unnatural force of nature that eventually led to our births, millions of years after the earth decided to cool down and become a planet, instead of retaining its gaseous nature.

The likelihood of life, the calculations pertaining to the presumed ‘perfect’ nature of earth as to which to create life.

There are many things about us as humans and about the world we live in that we don’t know about.

I am of the personal belief that we are not meant to, the same way I am of the personal belief that there are some things we are better off not knowing.

The calculations for a nuke, for instance.

That is one knowledge I wish us, as a race, could forget.

Anyway, to summarise this random excursion into my mind;

– Each and every single one of us is unique and special, as there is no other us, than us.

– This world, the creation of it, is too perfect to be the produce of a random event, predating any recorded knowledge and resting on a theory.

– There are some things about us and this world that are still mysterious, some questions left unanswered, and my personal belief that we are not meant to know certain things.

– Personal opinion that there are some things best left as a mystery.

Life, Thoughts

Slow, slower, slowest.

I. Ogunbase

This year has been something of a wildcard for me, and even I must admit, while it has propelled me forward in the things of which I care about, it has also shown me just how much consequence can leak out from mistake, and better yet, just how much risk an action might hold.

Fun stuff.

in its own way.

And that is really just down to outlook on things.

I have learnt something new and important this year though. Very important. I mean, while it has been said before by certain wise people, this particular lesson holds no weight till it is actually put in practice.

And that lesson, is learning to “Take things slow”

I feel like that’s a universal life rule.

It has to be done properly, however, else it is a waste of your time and effort and the effect is of no use.

So here are my guidelines based on where I am at in life and what I’ve learnt so far (You can always add and subtract as life guides you on your journey):

– Take things slow when making decisions. You never know how far into the future you reap the full gains/consequence of whatever you’ve decided. It is perfectly okay to take your time to make your choice, as it is one of the rights we have as humans; to make a choice.

– Take things slow with things regarding relationships. You’re asking for someone’s heart (metaphrically speaking. Anyone who literally takes your heart is a murderer… You should call the police on the… oh. you’d be dead. Oops). You should be able to understand if they are cautious. At the same time, take things slow before even asking. Assure yourself its not a fleeting feeling you feel.

– Take things slow when answering people. Once words are spoken, they can’t be taken back. Don’t speak in haste. Take your time when saying things. Words can cause quite a lot of damage, even if it is not physical.

All in all, careful judgement is crucial, especially when one becomes an adult. It builds what becomes the foundation of your legacy.

Anyway, I think I’m done on that front. There is only so much heavy thinking one should have at any point in time and I think I have reached my daily quota… or at least, that’s the official story I’m going to hope my mind sticks to.

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5am.

I. Ogunbase

I can’t sleep.

Been trying for the last hour and 45 minutes, and still, I can’t sleep. Which (btw), sucks because it means I’m stuck awake with lingering thoughts that haven’t quite been resolved yet.

Sometimes, I wonder… how different things would have been, had certain conditions been met. All these dreams and fake dreams, I wonder what the changes would have revealed.

Once again, I am reminded by my actions and thoughts that i’m not quite good in expressing myself with spoken words. I am reminded that things only make sense when I write it down, by which the moment such things were needed are already long past.

I am reminded that I feel too deeply. Not a fault of anyone, as I already resigned to the fact that it was how I was made. To feel. To be sensitive. And every opportunity I have had to turn it off have only served to show me a side of myself that I believe is best not existing. I want to feel. It is how I remain effective in how I’m supposed to help those around me.

But, it is an open nerve.

So it hurts really bad when I hurt. And sometimes, writing out how I feel doesn’t quite fix that. I usually just hold on till it passes.

I’ve got these dreams in my head of what I’d like, or where I’d want to be eventually and every now and then, it begins to seem almost unreachable. But I know I can’t give up… that I cower and hide. So I keep walking.

There is this weight of responsibility that feels crushing and yet, there is no one else that can carry it but me, because it’s mine to shoulder. So I shoulder it, firming my legs as I walk on. Every now and then, it gets heavier as I, in my usual folly, make a stupid mistake and add to the weight.

I don’t know anymore.

I need to sleep. I’m tired of being prey to my thoughts and worries.

I need to sleep.

Emotion, Life, Thoughts

In Too Deep

I. Ogunbase

I fell in too deep.

I… I think for the first time in my life, actually no, second time in my…. my bad, I meant third time in my life where I’ve gone off the cliff, took a dive and hoped for a good enough splash to make some sense.

I think I fell in too deep.

Part of me wants to say I didn’t see it coming or how it was completely by surprise, but it wasn’t. It was going to be this way. I was going to take the leap of faith and somehow hope for the best. The confidence was usually based on some sort of feedback.

Right… too vague.

I fell for [redacted], and decided to confess, whilst battling something akin to a storm in my life. I figured then would be the best time to say it. You know, get it out of the way before other things come and take some sort of priority. Figured, at least, I’d have something potentially great going. The feeling was mutual.

But.

I don’t know why I assumed I’d be capable to deal with the “but…”, especially when I had fallen too deep into it. Everything past this point becomes speculation and heart politics, both of which I’m ill-equipped to deal with… until my instincts kick in.

I promised I’d wait for as long as my heart will let me.

But, I worry.

Emotion, Life

Yearning for Attention

I. Ogunbase

Everybody yearns for attention.

I believe the Human race as a whole is fixated on it. I believe it is the driving force, the motivation behind the bulk of our actions…

To be appreciated.
To be respected.
To be held in high esteem.
To be loved.

This is not a bad thing, by any measure.

So the bulk of us, spend the most of our lives searching for this, special attention that has been in our hearts and mind for such a long time, that it is the only thing we know. Some of us try and find all of it in different places; Love from the significant other, Respect and appreciation from work, Esteem from the community and audience at large… Others try and get it all from one person, or two, or best yet, a small group of people.

The ones they call “Theirs”.

After all, attention is really just attention.

As a result of this, you get the humans who have been lucky enough to be expressive in their beings; extroverts who aren’t afraid to be ‘loud’ in every aspects of their being just to fulfill their want for attention. Then you have us… Introverts who would also like some of this attention that everyone is getting but are too ‘awkward’ or ‘weird’ or ‘quiet’ or ‘etc’, that we can’t be loud.

So, we instead try to show it with our actions. We work the ‘graveyard’ shift just so that we might be noticed and that someone, somewhere would give us some attention.
That someone, somewhere will respect us.
That someone, somewhere will love us.

And when we get this…this, special attention, we give it back in full force. We try and repay what we get with all we’ve got because they’ve made us feel so special, that it is only right we do the same… right?

As a result, we don’t limit ourselves. We do everything deeply.

And sometimes, that ends up hurting us too much, even when to everyone else, it shouldn’t.

Sometimes.

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[R.A.E.F]

I. Ogunbase

Sometimes in life, things will happen in life that will threaten to throw you off the course.

And sometimes, the fear that follows is disabling. A fear so strong it messes up your sense and brings out your worst fears, so clear that you place belief in that which is neither proven nor real.

You begin to believe in the worst and dwell in the immense pit of negativity that baptizes you over and over again in an almost drowning state. You flail and then go under so many times you lose count of just how much oxygen you’re managing to inhale.

Life gets dark and lonely. You get weird. The burden that you carry that oozes out this immense fear blinds you everything else. You shield your heart because you can’t stand to accept the pain that is coming. The pain that is going to be inflicted. The pain you will inflict. You fall prey to the [truth] that you are alone and worthless and you will take this hidden fear to your grave.

You become oblivious to the fact that this fear piles up interest as time goes on. So it gets heavier. Your knees begin to buckle. You begin to feel the back ache. You’re burning a lot of energy just trying to keep carrying it. It becomes more painful and harder as time goes on. You find yourself always holding back because of the fear of letting go. You become so used to the fear that for a moment, you begin to believe the fear to be more family than family.

The fear becomes familiar.

This fear can kill.

If [Unforgiveness] corrupts the soul, [Fear] strangles your heart and your voice.

—

There comes a time in life where it is okay to admit you’re not okay.

—

Everything gets better after that.