Category: Uncategorized

Yes, yes….

I understand that my time here as been somewhat scarce in the last couple days/weeks. And that is probably due to that fact that I have attained a mental state that allows me to ‘not’ rant about anything that I feel shouldn’t probably be said.

It is crazy, if I am to be fair but I must admit that the mental state came when I got to a place in life where ranting was not an option. Probably due to the fact that the rant is usually brought on by an external factor and I was torn between what was proper and what was needed.

Forced to contend between my needs and the needs (feelings) of others.

I understand that you might not agree with me and probably would have argued I threw my morality out of the window and went about ranting my honest selfish thoughts out and about but fortunately, that was not how I was raised. That being said, I am not so naive as to believe that change will occur if I continue to stay in the same instances that cause my ‘ranting’ sessions. I have begun to change, to kindly and smartly diffuse issues without having to receive the brunt of other’s wrath. That all just plainly avoiding it. Even then, I have noticed changes within myself… Not too sure I am proud of, to be honest with you but that is a topic for another time 😉

All in all. Hello. I am back and you will enjoy me till my next exile (^_^)

In the meantime, enjoy this… (it is a Gif. you might want to click it if it doesn’t move)

It is like i’m beginning to feel comfortable in writing out drafts… Sad, I know, but it actually feels like I’m keeping an online diary. And I’m not too keen on diaries to be honest. I know, I tried years back but I ended up tearing up the diaries to make paper figures (a skill I had back in the day… my paper planes, alien spaceships and men were to die for…not literally, if I might add)… But still it keeps me company…

Somewhat

And I actually remember when I didn’t used to like writing… How I used to detest the idea of putting pen on paper to make up words and sentences and plurals and singulars and etc… English was, at a point in life, a thorn in my side. And now, years down the line, it has become a coping system without which I’d probably would have lost it and gone ape somewhere earlier in life. So I guess I’m grateful on that note.

I guess I am.

<<< going through my posts and drafts and I just stumbled on some *interesting musings written in a somewhat less…erm…. I’ll just let you get to it. It (or they) will follow after this post.

*Interesting is subjective to perspective

There is an occurrence (for the moment, I will treat it like a theory/theorem of mine, just like Newton & his revered Apple) which happens whenever I end up falling asleep suddenly. The resulting sleep allows me to wake up in a…for lack of a better word, slight enlightened mentality; like the solutions to whatever in present becoming clearer.

Light-bulb moments, so to speak.

I am going to (once again, just for cool ratings) name this occurrence:- The Enlightenment Happenstance…

Hmm. Sounds somehow, somehow. Anyhow, background setting done, let me get to the point at hand, yes?

—-
Misconceptions are mean.

This stemmed from the conversation I had with a friend today, in which I complained about something that has been affecting me (slightly) lately; my inability to read people as I used to. When I say “reading people”, I don’t necessarily mean understanding them, what I mean is being able to observe a person’s attitude or personality or humour or morals and so on, so forth. For me, being able to read people was the ability that told me how to relate/react to them. It was what dictated the jokes I could share with them, the way I could talk to them, what I could share with them… It told me how to comfort them, or cheer them up, and lately it has been harder for me to be able to do this.

What does this have to do with ‘Misconceptions’ ? Everything.

While I was in this conversation with my friend, pieces of a random side-noted puzzle in my head fit into place; Some people have the ability to ‘consciously’ give out a false reading of who they are.

“Yeah, we already know that…”

No you don’t.

Blagging about your personality or your attitude or your emotions to someone is different than giving off a false reading. Because in a false reading, its not what you’re saying, its the unsaid words…the ‘actions’ being shown, the little subtle things that make us decide what we think of a person.

Social example:- You find someone on a social networking site, or at a bar or at a gig and you connect with the person. You become friends but the person is aiming for more than that. Now for some odd reason, (or maybe based on what you’ve read off the person), you don’t want a relationship. Gut feeling or otherwise is telling you that a relationship with said person would be dangerous. But the person doesn’t relent. Your friends & maybe family are all observing and egging you on to go out with the person, because they have decided in their minds, based on what they’ve seen, that he/she is a genuinely good person. And as such, you finally give in and enter a relationship.

And then everything changes. After a few days, or weeks, or months, or years, you begin to notice that “this is not what I thought this person would be capable of”…

You begin to notice that your relative ‘other’ is not actually who they appeared to be.

You get the idea now, right?

Misconceptions are mean.

Nonetheless, I’m not saying you can’t trust anybody. I am, however, saying that not everybody is what they seem.
My advice? Accept that fact, but even when issh hits the fan, and everyone is hurt, be willing to forgive them (if they are requesting a mercy, sincerely) because after all, we just might not be what we seem to other people too.

I learnt a few things yesterday (which I should have posted yesterday but kinda got distracted, so ended up not doing) and they have been causing some sort of resonance within my mental faculty all day today…

Granted, I was in a ‘mood’ (sort of), in the late hours of yesterday night/wee hours this morning… But that was just me being me, I reckon.

Nonetheless, here are what I learnt… (Or as much as I can recall)…

1) In life, there are those that complain and then they are those who don’t… And those who tend not to complain, tend to live their lives in a happier, more determined mindset…

Tend to, I can’t say 100%. However, I hold such a believe simply because those who don’t complain tend to not see the point in complaining. That’s not to say they don’t have issues worth complaining about, but they just know that complaining about the issue wouldn’t solve the issue.

Working towards a solution, instead, would be best.

2) Sometimes, you will have to force your dreams into reality, even when they try so hard not to be real.

Sounds nice to say, but the truth in it is solid. We all have dreams, life goals, ultimate aim, la-di-da-di-da… But by now, most will agree that it sometimes seems unreal when it comes to putting it into motion…

Like some existential force is against you making that dream come to life. At such a time, one’s motivation, determination and drive has to be at its highest point.

DISCLAIMER: If God says no, then I’m sorry, but its definitely not happening. Take heart though, it tends to mean, he’s got something else planned for ya 😉

3) Talk without action is useless. Just as well as, Action without talk is unhelpful. One must talk to sell oneself, one’s ideas, one’s dreams… And at the same time, Action must be shown alongside.

4) If life is easy, then you are not fully living it… And if life is hard? Be patient, good times are coming

Self explanatory.

—–

That’s all I got at the moment. I guess I will write some more as inspiration, epiphany and enlightenment take turns visiting me.

Ciao.

…You’ve been staying in a happy place and you’ve been holding onto positivity for so long that life seems gravy? And then someone intentionally comes and crashes into your positivity… Yeah. That.

Every once a while, I plaster a smile on my face and hide everything else behind it, because it tends to be a dark place. Pain, hurt, sorrow, you get the idea. When you make plans in life and they all just seem to be falling to pieces, and where you would have been depressed in the past, but instead you just keep picking it up and hoping and holding on. But it just seems to get harder.

Down to the issue at hand, I’m currently sitting in the same sitting room as my dad and listening to him complain to my eldest sister about me. About how lazy I am, and how irresponsible I am, and how unreliable, or unsure about my future or how I don’t want to do a masters or how I don’t want to learn how to drive or how this, or how that and I’m stuck here listening to it all. And last year, I’d probably be torn at the level of trust I’m ‘getting’ from him but I planned to always keep positive this year, which was going all well and good till this. Until this. At what point in life, do parents understand their children? Cos I feel like I need that milestone in my life. I have this dream in my head…and it is one of my ‘dreams’ (I’ll explain in a later post, maybe)…in whichmy dad and I will never be close enough to talk… And I mean, talk talk. Mostly, it’s just him talking/berating/ordering me and I’m just listening because ‘my opinion’ actually doesn’t matter.

He & my sister (the eldest) keep asking me what I want to do with my life, and no matter what I say, its either “I’m not listening” to them or something else.

I want a job. I’ve told them this, over and over again. I need the experience. I need the knowledge. But they want me to do a Masters Degree…

I mean, after being in school from primary all the way down to university graduation, you’d think they’d understand when I say I’m not in a rush to get a MSc. I understand though… Best to get it out of the way, while I’m young, right?
I’m going to list what I’ve been doing so far (most especially, this year)

I have;
Begun learning Java… Haven’t gone far, but learning nonetheless.
Started making an app with a few friends of mine.
Begun a game making project which is going on quite nicely
Begun (After much forcing) preparing for my theory test (driving lessons)
Been writing and putting together a series of poems of mine
Helping out in my church. I’m part of the sound department. And I literally tend to run the mixer & all… It is COOL! Like COOOOOOOOL

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ

But it’s like none of these things are happening to him… It’s like he couldn’t care less that I’m actually utilising my time. As far as he’s concerned, if he doesn’t see me doing it, then I’m probably not doing it…

But I don’t know anymore.

PS: I do love my family. Always have. Always will.

During the course of a conversation with myself, I had to concede in the argument involving my mood…

it pained me but yeah, my conscience was right…
“Complaining about a situation doesn’t solve the situation”

And he was right, I had to admit that. Nevertheless, I’m not one to go down easily so I countered with the next possible question to flit across my mind…

“If complaining is useless, then why do we complain (of course, in a general sense)”

Reply;

“We complain because we believe we’re incapable of solving whatever situation that drives us to complain in the first place. We complain because somewhere, somehow, we are/have been led to believe that complaining is the only way to vent out our ‘feelings’ which in reality, does nothing to actually make us feel better. Lastly, we complain in an attempt to shirk responsibility…because we believe in someone else taking charge of our situation and solving it for us. For a species that believes that there is no such thing as a fixed fate…that we have the power to shape our future and situations however we want, complaining should be the evil we fight against… But still, we complain”

I had no comeback to that.

Agree? Disagree? Comment if you dare…

PS:- Would it be seen as ‘crazy’ if I start talking in 3rd person?

a post that spoke of a game so genuinely played (sub-consciously or consciously) by the majority of the people around on this earth but then got cold feet when I got to the point where one usually posts it.

Obviously (and curiously), you’re probably thinking “why?” Or “what was in it?” Or the normal, usual “ooohhhh, please post it, I wanna read(!)” And its all understandable. I hate being teased too…

But the post challenged quite a lot of things (without meaning to), one of which is ‘Trust’… And I am not cold-hearted enough to post something which might affect one’s relationships with their friends and family…

That is bordering on cruelty (which I am not)… The post was not cruel either, was just an observational look on personality and attitudes.

(._. )
……..

That aside, Hi, how are you? How have you been doing? (^_^)

Chances of this being posted is quite little. But I feel like I have to write it out at the very least, seemingly because I feel like I have to get rid of the feeling from within.

Happy but sad.

Happy because my friends seem to be getting what they want and not having to strive for more than they would usually have to, while I’m sad because it doesn’t usually work that way for me. If anything, I tend to get more bad-luck than good luck. Not particularly complaining, but it kinda sucks when the stuffs you work towards does not reward you with results. Example, University degree. I worked too damn hard and ended up with a 2.2. The exams I thought I did really good in, I got really bad in. I usually would just shrug and say its part of life, cos it is part of life, but it hurts like hell.

6 months on and unemployed.

I am still trying.