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…You’ve been staying in a happy place and you’ve been holding onto positivity for so long that life seems gravy? And then someone intentionally comes and crashes into your positivity… Yeah. That.

Every once a while, I plaster a smile on my face and hide everything else behind it, because it tends to be a dark place. Pain, hurt, sorrow, you get the idea. When you make plans in life and they all just seem to be falling to pieces, and where you would have been depressed in the past, but instead you just keep picking it up and hoping and holding on. But it just seems to get harder.

Down to the issue at hand, I’m currently sitting in the same sitting room as my dad and listening to him complain to my eldest sister about me. About how lazy I am, and how irresponsible I am, and how unreliable, or unsure about my future or how I don’t want to do a masters or how I don’t want to learn how to drive or how this, or how that and I’m stuck here listening to it all. And last year, I’d probably be torn at the level of trust I’m ‘getting’ from him but I planned to always keep positive this year, which was going all well and good till this. Until this. At what point in life, do parents understand their children? Cos I feel like I need that milestone in my life. I have this dream in my head…and it is one of my ‘dreams’ (I’ll explain in a later post, maybe)…in whichmy dad and I will never be close enough to talk… And I mean, talk talk. Mostly, it’s just him talking/berating/ordering me and I’m just listening because ‘my opinion’ actually doesn’t matter.

He & my sister (the eldest) keep asking me what I want to do with my life, and no matter what I say, its either “I’m not listening” to them or something else.

I want a job. I’ve told them this, over and over again. I need the experience. I need the knowledge. But they want me to do a Masters Degree…

I mean, after being in school from primary all the way down to university graduation, you’d think they’d understand when I say I’m not in a rush to get a MSc. I understand though… Best to get it out of the way, while I’m young, right?
I’m going to list what I’ve been doing so far (most especially, this year)

I have;
Begun learning Java… Haven’t gone far, but learning nonetheless.
Started making an app with a few friends of mine.
Begun a game making project which is going on quite nicely
Begun (After much forcing) preparing for my theory test (driving lessons)
Been writing and putting together a series of poems of mine
Helping out in my church. I’m part of the sound department. And I literally tend to run the mixer & all… It is COOL! Like COOOOOOOOL

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ

But it’s like none of these things are happening to him… It’s like he couldn’t care less that I’m actually utilising my time. As far as he’s concerned, if he doesn’t see me doing it, then I’m probably not doing it…

But I don’t know anymore.

PS: I do love my family. Always have. Always will.

During the course of a conversation with myself, I had to concede in the argument involving my mood…

it pained me but yeah, my conscience was right…
“Complaining about a situation doesn’t solve the situation”

And he was right, I had to admit that. Nevertheless, I’m not one to go down easily so I countered with the next possible question to flit across my mind…

“If complaining is useless, then why do we complain (of course, in a general sense)”

Reply;

“We complain because we believe we’re incapable of solving whatever situation that drives us to complain in the first place. We complain because somewhere, somehow, we are/have been led to believe that complaining is the only way to vent out our ‘feelings’ which in reality, does nothing to actually make us feel better. Lastly, we complain in an attempt to shirk responsibility…because we believe in someone else taking charge of our situation and solving it for us. For a species that believes that there is no such thing as a fixed fate…that we have the power to shape our future and situations however we want, complaining should be the evil we fight against… But still, we complain”

I had no comeback to that.

Agree? Disagree? Comment if you dare…

PS:- Would it be seen as ‘crazy’ if I start talking in 3rd person?

a post that spoke of a game so genuinely played (sub-consciously or consciously) by the majority of the people around on this earth but then got cold feet when I got to the point where one usually posts it.

Obviously (and curiously), you’re probably thinking “why?” Or “what was in it?” Or the normal, usual “ooohhhh, please post it, I wanna read(!)” And its all understandable. I hate being teased too…

But the post challenged quite a lot of things (without meaning to), one of which is ‘Trust’… And I am not cold-hearted enough to post something which might affect one’s relationships with their friends and family…

That is bordering on cruelty (which I am not)… The post was not cruel either, was just an observational look on personality and attitudes.

(._. )
……..

That aside, Hi, how are you? How have you been doing? (^_^)

Chances of this being posted is quite little. But I feel like I have to write it out at the very least, seemingly because I feel like I have to get rid of the feeling from within.

Happy but sad.

Happy because my friends seem to be getting what they want and not having to strive for more than they would usually have to, while I’m sad because it doesn’t usually work that way for me. If anything, I tend to get more bad-luck than good luck. Not particularly complaining, but it kinda sucks when the stuffs you work towards does not reward you with results. Example, University degree. I worked too damn hard and ended up with a 2.2. The exams I thought I did really good in, I got really bad in. I usually would just shrug and say its part of life, cos it is part of life, but it hurts like hell.

6 months on and unemployed.

I am still trying.

It begins as a thought.

At a point, just like every journey begins with a step or art with a paint drop on paper, or music with the first hit of the piano’s keys… The thoughts begin… Suddenly, then, splashing round and extending itself like a painting of numerous thought branches, the first musical tone suddenly stretching into a musical masterpiece or a cacophonous tirade of loud music…

Headache inducing, it spirals out of control and becomes a hurricane of questions, answers, feelings, emotions and there’s nothing to stop it. It drowns and absorbs the other thoughts like a following of multitudes, gate-crashing the mind’s sanctuary of quiet and peace. Helplessness at the fact that your thoughts are suddenly beyond your control, beyond your reasoning so you succumb to them…

Give in to the madness of confusion it brings and let it consume you. So it complies… Burns through your mind boiling water on skin and there’s nothing else to do but accept the pain that it comes with. Amidst the cries and scream of anguish at the thoughts in your head, your teeth come together and grind upon one another… there’s nothing to be done… and as crazy as it all happens,  it suddenly stops and regresses back to the beginning…

It goes back to just being ‘a’ thought.