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*Shrugs*

I. Ogunbase

A friend of mine noted something about me which sort of shook me for a few hours before my mind finally shelved it away in the ‘Deep-Thoughts’ section somewhere in my subconscious. And for that few hours (I did answer him kinda almost immediately but it stuck in my head, replaying like a bad cringing scene from a romcom), all I could do was think about the question being asked and whether or not I might have told him a lie.

“Why do most of your pieces seem bleak? like life is a drag…”

“I guess its cos’ I’m writing from inside out, about where I am or what I’m seeing around me”

Probably the most convenient reply I could muster at so short a notice but it got me thinking… Was that the reason why my poems sounded bleak? or Had I finally fallen to the nihilistic belief that nothing matters and as such life is a drag, etc? I kept replaying it, re-asking it, trying to find the true answer… the answer that, I don’t know, vibrated within my heart and my bones…

And I came up with nothing. So I questioned myself… went through my memories and had to draw up a mental score sheet… Was I being laid-back when that occurred or was I just going with it cos life’s such a drag? Is that why I had managed to get this far? Stay relatively sane? Was it the defence mechanism against all the insults and let-downs and snide comments and all of those things which would have affected me years back?

Now the thought that bugged me the most was…

“How do I or rather, Why do I still smile like everything is okay? How do I manage to keep getting up when sometimes it tends to look like there is no point in getting back up? How do I manage to keep moving on?”

My mind, on that thought-stream, gave me a one-worded answer that calmed me.

“Hope”

Hope… the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life…

In other words, somehow, I seem to be hopeful…

Somehow.

On a slightly positive side, I could boast to be an initiate of the Blue Lantern Corps. That would be swell, wouldn’t it? *shrugs*

Blue_Lantern_Symbol

“In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars– For hope burns bright!”

#CheesyLifestyleRightHere

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I. Ogunbase

Turns out I have this thing about breathing that calms me down…

Not sure when I began it, not sure where I even learnt it from, but somehow, whenever I’m angry and my mind is raging and cursing nine ways to insanity, I force myself to stop and breathe… And I take 5 deep breaths, think about why I am angry, try to see the positive side of it all (however minute) and then I calm down…

The anger might still be there, but the breathing technique at least, gives me a clearer head to take my next action… which might have been stupid and unnecessarily extreme, had I remained in my rage mode.

Just saying.

Breathe.

Random

Fracture In Humanity: Voices

I. Ogunbase

The watch screams out loud; it being preset to speak out when the hour hand greets the “xx o’clock”…

Bed time.

Procession continues as daily wear gets exchanged for PJ’s and flip flops,
Body & mattress meeting together in an almost everlasting embrace,
With duvet sealing the union,
Sleep was practically guaranteed…

Guaranteed but not assured.

Sleep gets lost in transport,
And the mental release in form of the dreams gets denied.

And then, amidst the annoyance of rejection from the awaited release,
The questions begin,
Resounding with the mind’s empty space…

And it only gets louder

“…sigh… Is this how life was meant to turn out?”

“I mean, is this the goal?”
“What’s the aim?”
“What am I doing wrong?”
“Oh crap, have I texted her back?”
“Do I have to tell her the truth?”
“How about that other chick?”
“Should I show her my set of tricks?”

“Tricks? What tricks? The unemployment trick?”
“The dying dream reality?”
“What do you mean?”
“Life sucks!”
“Can’t deal, what the hell is this?”

Pillows used to cover ears,
Eyes tightly shut,
Mind attempts cleaning,
But the questions never stop,
Body curled up,
Teeth gritting against each other,
Angry body vibrations of annoyance,
The questions never stop

“…are you happy with your life as it is?”
“Was this including in the plan?”
“Should I probably, maybe, succumb to his game?”
“I mean, if I give him sex, would he give me his love?”
“Does love even exist?”
“Endless failed relationships, perhaps something’s wrong with me?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why me?”

The voices go on,
“Why me?”

Whispers go on,
“Why me?”

And in the moment it would take,
For the mind to register the statement,
The voices go quiet,
Reprieve granted,
Body relaxes as laxity takes over,
Position changed to counter restlessness,
Breathing slows,
Silences drags,
Body sleeps.

Emotion, Poem, Response, Thoughts

Lost Pages: Grey

I. Ogunbase

Blots of black on white,
Or white on black,
Mixed by the twirl of the brush
Blurred by the smudges of my finger across paper…
Grey…
Conceptually painted by the murky in-between of reality & imaginary,
Unsure as to whether real’s unreal,
Or whether unreal’s real…
Not good, not bad,
Just moving towards ugly
Not even being funny,
But neutrality seems to be my calling,
—
Pacifistic mentality,
Willingly, Un-becoming,
Paid the lukewarm band-camp membership fee
Cos I was too hot to be cold,
Too cold to be hot,
So as to get spat out,
When one goes to drink…
—
Grey
Like
Light mixing with darkness,
In a dance of abstract colours,
So we twirl, twist & turn,
Like the yin-yang symbolism
Unwilling to let go,
Fear of choosing a side, perhaps?
Fooled to think both sides are ‘equally’ good, perhaps?
Unaware of the possible outcome,
Like closing one’s eyes to the implication of grey clouds up in the sky…

In the end,
There lies just rain, chills, thunder & lightning.

thoughts

Thoughts

I. Ogunbase

I rarely ever know what I write about, except for the emotion behind the post or poem…which changes and ranges across the whole spectrum.

Sometimes, it works.
Sometimes, it doesn’t.

On some days, my emotions are as clear as day (not england weather day, but on the kind of days we dream off). On some other days, much like today, I get too many within me to be able to make a distinction as to what is going on.

Probably the closest to the most accurate thing that could describe this, was a slight joke made on by a close pal of mine, who stated I was likely to be in a (his words) ‘pre-mid-life crisis’ which was kind of funny, you know, thinking that one is having a prelude or rather a trial session of what some mid-life crisis might seem like.

I countered, He lol-ed…

Looking back now, perhaps he was right and I am experiencing a warped version of fate’s idea of a pre-mid-life crisis.

*shrugs and sighs*

With each word I put down, I suddenly notice there are a lot more things that I could say that would actually support his theory but I have this mental block that comes up, barring me from sharing deep personal thoughts with most people. It’s what’s stopping me now to be honest with you.

I’m not particularly happy with my situation. I’m not saying that being unemployed (for a period of time) is not normal, but being unemployed while everyone else seems to be ‘leaving’ the stage in which you’re in… That kind of situation is frustrating, and sometimes hurtful.

And then pressure a la family to compound on top of that, because somehow, they expect (especially african parents) you to be able to instantly get a job cos I got a degree. Don’t get me wrong, its not that they don’t know its hard out there…but they’d figure it should be ‘easier’ but it isn’t.

And that’s just one part.

Part 2 consists of dreams and plans laid into place, with step 1 existing without a failsafe. Suddenly, all those years of dreaming are beginning to fall away like dead skin cells.

Friends are achieving dreams, and I’m here without a clue as to what’s going on in mine.

I’m scared…that in the end, when all’s said and done, and I’m out of this nonsensical rut I’m currently in… That I’ll end up in a random job that I might not even like. With my dreams just being that; dreams.

Mind You :- it doesn’t mean one gives up.

Coping System, Emotion, Response, Thoughts

Just Another Frustrated Somebody

I. Ogunbase

Not exactly sure what I’m writing on but I figure as I go on, it will eventually be clear to me…hopefully. You see, these past few days I’ve brought a certain familiar emotion/thought to my attention, one that I had been avoiding for a long time now and dare I say, I am not in the least pleased to re-visit it again…

Frustration sucks. <—- This I have always known…

…except for the fact that now, I can see it apparent in almost everyone I look at. I figure because I’m so attuned to it, that it has become quite easy for me to notice it in others and yes people, we all seem to have it. Some have learnt to ignore it and get on with life, others have unwillingly succumbed to its poisonous whispers. Trust me, I understand this. Frustration and I go a long way back… Heck, it was even present at graduation. Match-made in heaven? I doubt, but hey, love is blind, right (?)

#SarcasmIntended

So yeah, Frustration (yes, hyper-linked to a poem I wrote a few months back and posted on my Tumblr blog) seems to show a lot among adults, or rather, the adults I tend to see here and there. It seems to be so heavy among the adult-folk that it affects actions, emotions, thoughts, etc.  And its understandable when you view it from the perspective of one in the same shoes… You see, everyone has a dream, might be small, might be big but a dream is a dream nonetheless, and as you grow, you will inevitably meet a resistance to the dream. And the resistance will always come in different forms. Some will appear through finances, some through job availability, some through chances and some through the non-belief that you can make it (this one sounds small but come on, think about it, do you have any idea how hard it is to try and be somebody when no one else believes you can make it? Not saying you can’t but I’m saying its crazily difficult)

In my case, my frustration is both aimed at self (for not doing as well as I could have in university) and just in general due to the fact that I don’t have a job yet, which means I can’t put my plans into motion yet, which means my dream just gets a bit harder to reach or visualise.

What am I getting at here? Frustration is invariably an emotional response we have to deal with at some point in life but I guess the real and true question is “How do we deal with frustration?”

In my case, being on the path of Christianity and all, the ‘obvious’ choice would be to “Let Go & Let God” which sounds like an easy concept. Sounds like, does not mean it is. So I keep trying to do that and I know one day I’ll get good at it. But at the moment, its hard and I’m trying but I can’t seem to do it yet.

Another advice would be to keep pushing on regardless of whatever stands in your way… *shrugs* Manning Up as some would say.

“Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success” – Bo Bennett

“Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment.” – Dale Carnegie

“It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail.” – Lech Walesa

That’s all I got really. (PS: I think I know what I’m going to name the post now)

That being said,
How do YOU deal with your frustration? (comment if you want to share and don’t mind)

later.

Shadowyugi

Random, Thoughts

Sight

I. Ogunbase

Cleared eyes delivering blurred vision, so my future is seeming to appear misty. Dimmed by the fog of despair, my eyes can only make out so much, but not enough to be able to claim that I see…

Cos I don’t see…

Crawling on all fours to the corners of my mind, sitting away from the apparent light, I hugged my legs and tittered back and forth. I was tired, I was stressed & I was sincerely losing hope…or so it seemed. I cast my mind back to when things were so much cleared, naivety being a strong reliable guardian as of then, irresponsible and useless as of now. Ignorance was bliss before knowledge convicted ignorance of being a murderer. Dreams being presented as a father-figure to aspire too, only to grow and get torn as to whether it was an illusion born from temporal paranoia or a reality that could be achieved. I digress.

Life had handed its card, and there’s a limit to how many times I can fold.

It could be argued…that maybe it’s time I start bluffing my way through it all, except for the important mental hiccup, that very clear tattoo of “yous a good child & yous won’t do bad now, son” plastered over my psyche like a billboard.

Gotta hold on, right?

 

Random

One Thing & then another

I. Ogunbase

Its usually starts with one thing…one issue, one problem, one phrase, one statement, one implication, one instance, one whatever…

You know I’m telling the truth… Of how you can be in the best mood ever and then that one ‘thing’ comes crashing like a meteor that you can’t dodge. Not even going to lie, life’s “one thing” has gotten crafty. Those kind of situations that you can’t even avoid simply because avoiding it is just a branch-off to another issue entirely.

I call those the morality traps.

Purpose of this? Nothing really. If I had a semblance of purpose, it would be instructing methods of solving, dodging and eliminating ‘One Things’

BUT

That’s not possible, sadly. Because then whatever solution that comes up will just lead to ‘another’ and ‘another’ and ‘another’. The truth I will admit though, is that there actually IS a solution to surviving one thing issues… It involves endurance (Endurance is actually a commodity these days… People can’t take it anymore)

Why endurance? Because endurance begets tolerance, tolerance sows patience and with patience comes wisdom.

You might not agree but wait & see.
You’ll see

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I don’t have a title for this

I. Ogunbase

Not sure on how I’m going to begin this, but I figured with the first letter on this page, it has already begun. I miss my mum…

I mean, well, I haven’t really spoken about my birth mum to people before so its kinda hard to talk about it like this. I have mentioned her, referenced her, but never really spoken about her before. And the truth is, you never truly get over the loss of the one you love… But you do learn to deal with the loss…

Nonetheless.

I’m going to write a short piece next based on my heart’s current condition…

“Mum…
I know that you are gone,
and I currently can’t follow, 
But I miss you.

I know its been a couple years
since that incident in which you were taken away,
Your love for God probably giving a preset destination,
But you don’t know how much I miss you…

I don’t even know how much I miss you.

It took a reminder from a friend of yours,
At a family friend’s wedding
Who recounted your good will
and good spirit,
Your kindness, love and nature,
That my eyes couldn’t help but moisture
at the fact that you’re gone…

You wouldn’t be there for Ebun’s marriage,
You wouldn’t be there for Titi’s wedding,
You wouldn’t be there for your only son’s wedding…

Never have I been unashamed to cry.

Your substitute, my current mum,
can’t replace you
But she has done so much for us,
That I owe her a thank you.

Maybe she’s the angel you sent
to take care of us in your stead,
So yeah,
I’ma tell her thanks and end that with a hug…

Not sure when next I’m going to write to you,
But,
I really do miss you.

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Transition

I. Ogunbase

It’s the transition from old to new that defines the changes we go through, and the growth we go through, maturing from what we were to what we are…or what we are going to be. And I dare say, its sickening when transition becomes partial, as we refuse to go from old to new on a few instances.

Let me explain properly, some things will forever be tradition, as tradition is sometimes inherently the build-up as to what we grow up to be, but when tradition becomes to hinder change or better yet, when tradition becomes a danger to the individual, then wouldn’t it be best to forsake such a tradition and embrace some new-ness (for lack of a better word) that would make things better?

It’s like bringing a bow & arrow to a gun fight, or choosing to live in a hut as opposed to a house because, one doesn’t want to forget their connection with nature… proper medical assistance forsaken for greenery and traditional herbs?

As in seriously, What. The. Heck?

Why forsake transition when transition could be the solution?